Ten Things You Can Only Learn By Having Your Heart Broken

BreakupsToday is one of my most significant ex’s birthday (whose name I won’t mention because I’m frankly tired of seeing it in print) and I find myself not thinking fondly back on our time together, but instead thinking gratefully of all the many lessons I have learned in our time apart. Or, to be more clear: In the time and space and distance I’ve had since he broke my heart for the final time almost exactly one year ago. And even though I still have the brief daydream here and there of going all Carrie Underwood, “Before He Cheats” on him in some distant day in the future, I know that my present – and future – is infinitely brighter and calmer and more healthy without him in it (and so am I).

So, from the clarity I’ve gained over the past year after banning him from my social media, my phone, and my life…I thought I would share the top ten lessons you can only learn by getting your heart broken…for those of you still struggling to ban that pesky ghost of relationships past from your social media and phone and life. Perhaps this will give you the courage and the gumption to do so, one and for all.

1) First impressions are everything. Those little red flags (or giant red flags) you see waving ever so subtly in the breeze on day one  will be massive stop signs by day 100. I promise you. My ex stood me up for our very first date. Of course he had a perfectly brilliant explanation for WHY he stood me up…but had I took the red flag of being stood up physically at face value on day one, I would have saved myself eight long years of being stood up emotionally.

2) How they are in life = How they are in love. My ex was irresponsible, immature, completely emotionally stunted, and unable to stick with ANYTHING. He changed jobs and zip codes at least as frequently as he changed his underwear (maybe even more so. Okay, KIDDING. I hope.) If he couldn’t even commit to a city or a career path…why on earth did I ever think he could commit to ME?

3) Chemistry does not and should not outweigh character. What do I mean by this? My ex and I were never lacking in the chemistry department. So much so that the lightning bolts and rainbows and shooting stars I saw when we kissed often acted as smoke and mirrors to the reality of who I was dating. Chemistry can only take you so far…but it’s much like someone handing you a beautifully wrapped box that’s empty. It doesn’t matter how good and attractive and appealing the exterior looks if there’s absolutely nothing going on beneath the surface.

4) Sometimes, ladies…we simply need to experience crappy guys. (And for the guys, sometimes you need to experience crappy girls.) Why? Because it’s often only after being treated really poorly that we learn how to stop allowing ourselves to be treated poorly. That we learn how to set standards. That we learn how to love ourselves too much to stay with someone who doesn’t love us enough. Sometimes we need that swift kick in the proverbial pants to boot us into the next and greater and better chapter of our lives…a chapter in which we will never again settle for someone who makes us feel, well…crappy.

5) When you ask God to remove anyone from your life who doesn’t belong there with complete and total sincerity, be prepared for Him to do it. But I discovered over the course of eight years that you can’t say this prayer halfheartedly or while still clinging stubbornly to the person or even the IDEA of the person. You have to really, really mean it. It is only when we are REALLY ready to surrender the thing that God steps in and takes it from us. Why? Because sometimes we have to truly feel the weight of the burden (like a dead relationship) to gain a full understanding of what the freedom of surrendering to Jesus feels like when we finally let the burden go.

6) You can do everything right and still end up in the wrong place, with the wrong person. That’s just life. During the final saga of me and my ex last summer, I have never been so proud of how I handled a relationship. I wasn’t clingy. I wasn’t needy. I didn’t make demands or whine or pout or manipulate or fall into any of those negative patterns that are so easy to fall into when in a relationship with a toxic person. I was open and vulnerable and invited God into the relationship with us and prayed for my ex constantly and consulted God at every turn. Not because I’m perfect, by any means. But because I truly wanted with all my heart for the relationship to work. But just one person fighting for the relationship will never be enough. Eventually you will buckle under the emotional weight of fighting all alone. And it was never going to work, no matter how hard I fought for the relationship, because he was the wrong person. You can be the right person all day long but if you’re with the wrong person…nothing you can do will save the relationship. I’m grateful for the experience, though, regardless of how it turned out. It taught me about the kind of person I want to be in relationships…and it taught me that I am capable of being that person.

7) Love isn’t blind. Love sees your flaws and inadequacies and imperfections and loves you anyway. And love never, ever uses those things against you or cites them as reasons not to be with you. Love is too busy loving the stuffing out of you to even pause to dwell on the flaws. Love recognizes that we are all a little banged up and broken and bruised by the rolls and punches of life and that does not make us unlovable. In fact, I daresay the fact that we are all those things yet still believe in love makes us all the more lovable.

8) A person who really, truly loves you will always show up for you. They will meet you halfway. Sometimes even more than halfway. Love, as the Bible says, covers a multitude of sins. It doesn’t hesitate or doubt or pause on the shore…it jumps in to meet you right where you’re at. And then it hangs on through the wind and waves and turbulence and refuses to let go just because things get a little uncertain or stormy or shaky. You will never have to exhaust yourself to chase love, manipulate love, force love, beg for love, or even ask for love. Love will be the first one in the door and the last one out. LOVE SHOWS UP.

9) When it’s over, it’s over. Let it be over. Stop trying to resurrect it. Stop arguing with God about why you should still have it. Stop worrying about what went wrong or torturing yourself about what you could have done differently or better. There is nothing you could have done differently or better. You can’t turn the wrong one into the right one, no matter how hard you try. Take a deep breath, and let go. Cry. Grieve. Give yourself time and space to feel the loss. Acceptance and grace are key here. Allowing yourself to mourn the end is key here. The relationship mattered. Your feelings for the other person were real, and they mattered. Your heartbreak is real, and it matters. But it’s still over. Let it go. And when you’re ready…really ready…try again, with someone new. Don’t allow the loss of one relationship or one broken heart stop you from trying again. Always be willing to try again. Love is worth the risk.

10) You are stronger than you think you are. You can, and will, survive the end of this relationship. And you won’t just survive…you’ll be better and stronger and more fabulous for it. (Even if you can’t see it now.)

And that’s it. Ten things you can only learn by getting your heart broken. I’m sure I’ll think of more, and perhaps I’ll share more another day. Feel free to add your own lessons learned to the comments below.

(If you want to read more of the story of me and the ex I reference in this post, check out my book (& New York Times Bestseller)  I’ve Never Been to Vegas But My Luggage Has.)

54 Responses to “ Ten Things You Can Only Learn By Having Your Heart Broken ”

  1. Elizabeth
    August 28, 2015

    Hey Mandy!

    I’m so glad I read this post today. I love reading any posts or quotes that you write. I’ve read 2 of your books and I CANNOT wait till’ your next book comes out. I really resonated with #6 in your post today. It’s one of the hardest things to learn to accept. That even if you do everything “right”, sometimes it still won’t work out. You can try and do everything to protect the relationship, you can be friends for a while first, choose not to be sexually involved, etc. Yet things still might not work out how you wanted them to and it’s hard not to blame ourselves when that happens. Thanks for all of your honest and encouraging posts!

    • jesse
      August 30, 2015

      Don’t believe that at all if we reframe from having sex before marriage and wait until our true mate comes then experiencing heartbreak doesn’t have to be. until we learn to do it the rite way there’s no cure.
      .

    • Erica
      September 11, 2015

      Sometimes I feel I am alone. Thank you for this Mandy. Although we were never been together, the guy that I am in love with. I would always feel that there’s something wrong me. Reading all these made me realize that Love will indeed find me. It will come to me. I won’t feel the need that I need to beg for someone and put things under my control because Love is given freely and in God’s time I believe I will receive the love that I deserve. The love that God wants me to experience with the right man that He will send for me.

    • December 20, 2016

      Just because things are not going the way you want,somewere down the road you’ll say,that’s how my life played out,there was and is reasons why we go what we go through,how and when you settle down and then some,you will say thAts why I had to go through,this and that,to end up here.

  2. Lissie
    August 29, 2015

    Hanging on to a friendship in the hopes that it will become more in the future. Does this ever work? I prayed for God to send me a real guy friend who was interested in being my friend and not interested in a physical relationship. Well, God answered that prayer. However, I find myself spiraling into heart broken moments when my guy friend says he doesn’t feel anything for me. I like him because of his love for God and others and because he hasn’t one time made any advances. Every guy I’ve dated including my ex were all about the physical. I have been adviced to pull away and keep my guy friend as an acquaintance only because it’s not heading in the right direction because of how I feel. I’m heart broken to pull away and my friend tells him that it hurts him to think of not being able to talk to me anymore.

    • DaDi
      August 29, 2015

      Exactly my story. I decided to let go. Just dropped him out of my life. I miss him so much, and I am broken hearted, but it’s for the best. I was falling deeply in love and our friendship was awkward. It hurt to hear him talk about other women and to realize that his plans would never include me. I began to feel “used”. I pray for the LORD to heal my brokenness and to guide me. I will pray for you.

    • Faye
      August 29, 2015

      Take your time to heal. I think that it is better for you to pull away and re assess things. Just like #10, you are stronger than you think.

    • Tapi
      August 29, 2015

      Dear Lissie,
      I’m responding because this is a song that I sang for many years… It’s as though God Has answered your prayers but God doesn’t half answer prayers. He goes all the way through. Although right now this guy seems like the answer to your prayer… is he really? God is a loving Father and I don’t think any daddy would like His daughter to be in a position whereby their constantly being hurt and that’s what having him as your friend is doing. It sounds harsh but him saying things like he can’t bear not talking to you anymore sounds like emotional blackmail. He knows how you feel yet he still wants to keep you in a place that will hurt you? Sis, that’s not love and that’s not what Jesus died for. I’m sure I’m not saying anything new or anything your girlfriends haven’t already said but from experience all I know is when you’re ready… When you’re emotionally spent and when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will one day walk away and not look back, realising full well that you deserve so much better.

    • spencer
      August 31, 2015

      Am looking for a real good woman that will understand my feelings in life and always understand what the life is talking about how I wish and prayed to met the great dream woman soon.

  3. Jen
    August 29, 2015

    This is so good. Amazing to hear your exact story from a stranger.

  4. Portia
    August 29, 2015

    Thank you for sharing this…it made me think of where I was two years ago. I totally agree with the above lessons. I would like to add some of the lessons I have learnt :
    When a person shows you who they really are…believe them (I think it was Maya Angelou who said this). I am a lover of words and the different ways they allow us to express ourselves, but words are nothing without the actions to back them up. Actions on the other hand are bold and straight to the point. Actions do not really need words…words are like the garnish to actions.

    Not all investments will guarantee good returns. To avoid generalising I will speak for myself. Sometimes when you’ve loved that one person for many years, it becomes impossible to see life without that one person or with anyone else for that matter. However if you are the only one investing in that relationship and your partner only shows up for the Interest payouts, then that my dear sister is not a good investment. A relationship needs that collaboratory capital investment.

    Thank you once again for sharing this post. It has encouraged me to look back and I thank Abba for removing me from that relationship because I would not be where I am today.

    • August 31, 2015

      lovely 🙂

    • Jikay
      October 13, 2015

      very true Portia 🙂

  5. August 29, 2015

    Hi Mandy,
    Great blog! My ex was also a toxic person and stood me up emotionally.
    You are right that Love is worth a risk. I have found someone who really loves me and I love him.
    I will share your blog entry on my business FB page next week. I run matchmaking agency and this will perfectly fit with my audience.
    I hope you will soon meet someone who will be right for you.
    Best wishes,
    Marzena

  6. Court
    August 29, 2015

    Well Mandy,

    I was trying to think of something new, but you’ve covered it all, I think.

    For me, heartbreak has taught me the importance of learning how to guard my heart. As you said, when we reflect back on all the warning signs and how a man just wasn’t worth the risk of getting involved with, we continue to move forward in making wiser decisions. I only realized in my 30s that every relationship is not supposed to end in marriage. I had to remember about seasons and the reasons for them and how every guy comes along to teach me something. And to be honest with myself about what I see in them. Love is a gamble. Heartbreak is always a possibility. There are some guys that are worth the risk, because the lessons and memories will be just that good. So I’m learning to access my risk better and not let loneliness get in the way of that.

  7. Melissa
    August 29, 2015

    Another thing you learn after heartbreak is that you’re not alone. Whether it’s a reminder from a friend, family or sometimes a blog, there are others that have gone through or are going through the same heartbreak as you. Thank you for the reminder today that I’m not alone. I had to break up, I couldn’t keep allowing him to treat me badly, but it’s still a break up and sometimes the pain of heartbreak is devastating. Thanks for letting me know today that it’ll be ok. I needed it.

  8. August 29, 2015

    You ain’t neva lied Mandy! Preach!!

  9. August 29, 2015

    I want to commit this to memory. I’ve been struggling for two years now with how to deal with my ex. Our circle of friends is rather small, so I wanted everything to be “normal” as quickly as possible afterwards. He left me because he *never* wanted a serious relationship, but then moved in with the girl he started seeing after me & now they are expecting a child. I don’t know if he can be physically removed from my life, but I’m very much ready for his presence in mine to be gone.

  10. August 29, 2015

    thank you for sharing this!!! Ahhhh I feel like I just read a chapter from the book of my life! I’ve gone through this and honestly it changed my life & changed me. But makes for great material for writing a book that I’m currently writing lol.
    It’s nice to hear someone else be real & honest & share their story. I’ll definitely be checking out your book as well!

    Rae

  11. Pat
    August 29, 2015

    Great post, Mandy. Very enlightening when you take time to really analyze a relationship. #7 really struck a cord with me. My ex didn’t think I was independent enough. Years later, after we were no longer a couple, I bought my first home, alone. How’s that for independent?

  12. Jo Vanna Whiteeagle
    August 29, 2015

    Soo true!! August 15th was 1 year of being single, after 10 years in a realationship, and sadly even after everything we’ve been through all the fighting was just not enough to bare alone. So I let him go. I can happily sigh, and exhale and know it was for the better of myself, and now my four kids. One year of singleness since I was 15!!!!! 😀

  13. Faye
    August 29, 2015

    Thanks for this Mandy! It’s true that when you got your heart broken, take time to heal. It’s also true when you really prayed to God for something, get ready for a response. That happened to me and I thank God for that! May it be a long term relationship or a a short one, it felt real. The relationship happened and I got my heart broken and still grieving. I blamed myself most of the time thinking I could have done something better but if its not really meant for you then it’s not for you. I believe that God won’t give us something that we can’t handle and that love will surely knock on my door again.

  14. Nyalego
    August 29, 2015

    Dear Mandy,

    Thanks for this. When you have been in a relationship too long, you start to imagine there is nobody out there for you. You start to think “this is it”. There is a great big world out there full of awesome people.

  15. Patty
    August 29, 2015

    Always spot on to my feelings. Great read and helping me I’m not alone.

  16. Lisa
    August 29, 2015

    Wonderfully written!

  17. ana
    August 30, 2015

    You were right. He showed me all the signs of a guy with a red flag and I was too ignorant before to open my eyes and heart to accept the fact that he was the wrong one. Nothing I can do to change him. Im still struggling with the breakup now but I try hard to move on.

  18. angela
    August 30, 2015

    thanks you, Mandy ~ its so inspired me, i’ve been broken for a long time
    love from Indonesia

  19. Carrie
    August 30, 2015

    What timing! God is amazing! A guy I had been seeing for 3 months (I really liked) ended the dating yesterday after I had been asking tough questions about who we would be together. I received this blog in my inbox at very same time as I heard from. Thank you for writing this. I have been thinking about it all day. God Bless!

  20. Jessica
    August 30, 2015

    I love this post Mandy so beautiful and brave, What I have learnt in life at my age now of 27 is this, My first love was the father of my first and only daughter, I was 19 years old and naive not see he was not a nice guy (Red Flag). When we broke up I was heartbroken despite the way he treated me. I somehow blamed myself for the breakup. Looking back now and it is 5 years since we broke up, I realise that breaking up and removing him from my life and my daughter’s life was a blessing. 1 year later I moved on after the breakup and in the year 2011 I dated someone new, at this point in my life I hadn’t completely healed from my first love (the father of my child) but I thought I would give the guy a chance after much time spending with him and talking I agreed to date. I didn’t feel right in the new relationship and it felt rushed and I didn’t listen to my gut instinct saying it felt too good to be true. The problem was no.1 I didn’t know the guy enough and it felt rushed, no.2 I hadn’t got over the previous relationship (the father of my child), no.3 I hadn’t focused on my own life and being a single mother on my own with my daughter. Another factor was the guys different religion and rules I had no idea about.. I am a Christian and the guy I was dating was a Muslim I didn’t know that rules of religion in Muslim communities and going with someone outside their religion, and apparently it is forbidden or so I was told by a few people. I also researched it, I then realised I was not allowed to meet his parents or speak to them after nearly a year of our relationship. I was allowed on his Facebook but he refused to put my name in his relationship status as to who he was dating, and I was not allowed to put pictures of us and tag him in them because of his family. There was Red flags again in every direction at this point warning me there was a lot wrong with this new relationship. In the end this new relationship ended suddenly when the guy disappeared from my Facebook one morning after we had spent time together. I was heartbroken for 1 year with this relationship because I never had closure and un-answered questions that spun around my head of why he disappeared without a trace . Looking back now 3 years later since this relationship ended back (2012) I realised that I truly needed ME time to allow myself to be an independent single mother and single women without the need for a man to be present in my life. I needed time to heal, and to focus only continuing on being a mother to my daughter. in order to have this much needed time I had to make a choice and that was to keep away from men for a long while. I realise in the space of that 1 year I broke up with the father of my child I had too quickly allowed someone else into my life. I just wasn’t ready to be with anyone and I swayed off the right path I was supposed to be on, I never allowed myself so ME time to pick up the pieces and rebuild my strength and my confidence and life back up again with my daughter. It is now 2015 and I have remained single now for 3 years, my daughter and I have a strong bond. I started picking my life back up again and in 2012 I plucked up the courage to go to University to do a Part Time Degree in Theatre and Drama Studies which is where my passion is having previously done Drama GCSE back in school and in College years ago I had done a B-Tec in Performing Arts and Film Studies AS Level. I am now on my final year of studying in my University as it was a 4 year course, I hopefully will graduate next year June 2016! What drives me to succeed is my daughter who is 6 years old and turns 7 near the end of this year, she goes to the Uni Creche while I am in my classes which are twice a week this year coming was originally three times but the days change each year. I love going to class knowing my little girl is on the same row of houses (Same buildings) from where I am studying at. It hasn’t been easy being a single mother especially when single mothers are usually put down because we don’t have a partner or the father of our child with us, but despite the fact I rarely go out socializing since I became a mother (apart from attending theatre productions on my own for my coursework) , despite the fact that people in my class (who by the way are adults) look at me like I am not intelligent because I am a “young mother” and a single mother. At the moment I have barely a tiny circle of friends but what I do know is I will never stop fighting for a better life for me and my little girl, and despite the heartbreaks I have had through my life and despite the fact that I have a way to go to get where I want to be, there has to be positives in life, things that make you smile, things that give you hope, and even though I know there will always be ups and downs in life, I have my beautiful daughter and I am slowly starting to re-build our life’s, one day at at time as a single mother. And reading Mandy’s books and posts on twitter, and her amazing blogs has helped me a lot! Thank you Mandy 🙂

  21. Amy
    August 30, 2015

    After 16 years, I am 4 months into a separation and 1 month into a divorce. On several occasions in the 2 years we’ve both contemplated throwing in the towel. So many factors, pros/ cons and variables for decisions made at the time on why we would or why we wouldn’t. Now I realize the grass isn’t always greener no matter the options. I tried to hold us together for the kids sake. I tried because I had hope. I tried because I love him. It wears a person down. And my fight became weak.
    The final say was “Amy, it’s time to move on. You need to move on.”
    It was easy for him, he had a girlfriend. I had 4 kids, our kids.
    This article is just another help me step to the top of my staircase of moving on. I’ve bookmarked it for future reference. I will need it again I’m sure during one of the 7 stages of divorce that I keep re-living…re-feeling…and re-doing. Thank you.

  22. Sarah
    August 30, 2015

    What happened when you realised that all that you said is truth, but you are still feelling love for someone left you . You know that him will never going good gor you, but you love him and for his option he decided not talk to you any more.

  23. Tiffrbug
    August 30, 2015

    Great post!!! Your story is very similar to mine, although we lived together and we’re engaged. Even so, he was never really “in” and it was a painful existence for me. Even after we broke up, he attempted to string me along. I am SO PROUD of us both for blocking communication. It’s sad, but the No Contact is the only way to go with these guys! I know I personally fell off the wagon several times, but each time I got back on and gained more respect for myself. Praying for the continued healing of your heart and for God to send a great guy your way (and one for me too)! ♡

  24. John
    August 30, 2015

    Hey Mandy. Love the lessons and glad you shared them. I’m learning that even though you date a Christian girl, sometimes her past pain runs too deep to love you back. They can love you but it’s like stretching your hand out but the two of you can’t seem grasp each other and the pain of the past over takes them like waves in the ocean. And the the only thing you can do is watch them helplessly being pulled away from you.
    Thanks again for sharing.

  25. Nina
    August 30, 2015

    Mandy, you’re so awesome! This is my second breakup and I feel like I’m going through the same thing again. I’m so hurt. On some day’s I feel fine and some day’s I just want to go away. I will keep pushing forward though and I know God has my back but sometimes things like this becomes too much

  26. JEAN RODRIGUEZ
    August 31, 2015

    this came at the perfect time for me!!! Thank you and i pray this time i can stay away and heal from my toxic relationship with a man i know i should never have been with since day one that i meet him!!!! please pray for me that i have the strenght to stay away and the faith that i will get through this and come out better in the end!

  27. September 2, 2015

    I feel that everything I feel has been said in this post. It almost brought me to tears.
    I recently met a guy I would love nothing more than to be the girl of his life but unfortunately he doesn’t feel the same way about me. We haven’t really talked as good as we used in almost a month and it saddens me. I miss him a lot but I realize I cannot make the decision on who to love for him. I left him to his own devices and deleted all his numbers and the texts of his I had kept in my iCloud account.

  28. monica kelly
    September 3, 2015

    hello mandy great testimony. Reading The Single has given me alot of wisdom. It opened doors I thought were closed in my life.. It’s helped me manager my life and also have strength enough to LET GO.. I too was in a vbad realtionship. I sought the kingdom. I ask God to remove this person completely out my life. I often found myself going back due to loniness. God voice clearly came to me and said these words. Daughter I take him away and you go right back. At that point I knew he had a better plan for my life.. We as women get at a point in or lives where we feel no one is going to love us again.. I had 4 children at the time none by him.. He made he feel like know one who want me becaue of this.. I’m still single dating w at times but with discerment.. I have yoiu to thank for that.. Thank you so much keep writting sharing your life with your followers. Thank you and God bless

  29. Alyse
    September 3, 2015

    This post was really a blessing, I was with my husband for 17 years and married 5, after numerous affairs I couldn’t take it anymore and God gave me the strength to divorce him, I struggled with the decision cause I was always waiting for him to “grow up” Since we had been together since the age of 17 and 18 years old, I thought it was possible. Mid divorce I found out he had a whole seperate life that involved 2 kids with a female that we both went to high school with, guess I never really knew him, the worst part is that he hurts the kids by forcing this whole mess on them and takes them out like they are this wonderfully blended family on the weekends he has them, I eventually found out this affair had been going on years prior to me filing for divorce, actually a year after he and I had married, needless to say, I no longer doubt my decision to divorce and just continue to trust in God for guidance the rest of the way.

  30. September 6, 2015

    Thank you Mandy for allowing God to use you and your story to encourage so many of us. What the devil meant for evil God always turns around for good, if we allow Him.

  31. September 6, 2015

    Even though I am 23 and not 30 I enjoy reading your blog. I have always been single though, and it used to eat at my self-esteem. When I decided I was done doubting myself I started a blog about my experiences with love: abedfortwo.com. Recently I had a heartbreak of myself, though nothing like yours since we were never actually together. But your advice is very useful nonetheless, especially number 8 and 9.

  32. Shauni
    September 7, 2015

    Wow. I will probably read this post for the next few weeks. Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom.

  33. kitkat
    September 24, 2015

    thanks for enlightenment Ms. Mandy… though im on my grieving stage…im eager to move on and let go…soon! more power 🙂

  34. September 25, 2015

    There’s a lot of truth here. A lot of good, hard truth… Thank you, bless you darling 🙂

  35. Rianna / Hermione
    September 27, 2015

    4, 5, 6, & 9 were really hitting for me. Most of these things I went through w/o being in relationship.. I mean.. it was more mental. The guy didn’t actually commit to anything, but definitely liked me for a year. I only just got over it last month. Took me a year.
    Anyway, thank you so much for sharing. There is hope, I know.

  36. Janet Lee
    September 28, 2015

    I agree with DaDi and am in the same boat! After a good year and half my Wonderful! Boyfriend of the Year! Broke up with me… We had a great beginning story and perhaps we had some small stuff to work on, but what I thought was small guess he thought was huge! Different perspectives only, I feel he gave up to fast on love as I work on things for the better and the positive. After a Summer of being apart we tried doing the friend thing and thought I could, he really meant well and tried not giving mixed signals but seeing each other while trying to be friends was very hard, there was still much love and THAT EYE CONTACT and fondness of each other still, …but yet he wanted to still explore and date others, I was too but only because I felt I had too. And after a moment of hugs and missing each other, Well that’s all that is until he is truly ready to commit again. Im moving forward now and wont settle for friendship that didn’t work in our case for us, and I want a committed great boyfriend again or I want nothing at all. Point is! No sometimes the friendship thing does not work, … I did feel as if was no longer included in his life and I was being used in a sense because his need to still communicate with me cuz he “Cared Deeple” for me… Well, its not fair, to fulfill his need of communication and I get nothing in return in a sense! So yes cutting communication is a must at one point no matter how hard. It gets a lil fuzzy at times during the break up process but everything happens for a reason and I have to trust no mater how much I feel hope, there may not be.. .and I am starting to pray about it AND I go to women events and an continuing to date! Dating is not so fun, then again fun at times but it teaches you about yourself and what out there! I am trying to find the positive in every angle of a broken heart and with that being said ..it truly just takes time and meanwhile we must learn to love ourselves first and fuel our souls and needs and wants in other areas, Refocusing energy and time on what is currently good in our lives! — Wishing every women with a broken heart much respect prosperity and love! 😉

  37. October 8, 2015

    Hi mandy,
    I Just read your post and I want to say thankyou. I have been through a breakup a few months ago and all of the things you wrote above, they were somewhere in my mind but I still needed someone to actually pen it down crisp and clear.
    After reading your blog I have realised that I am moving forward, slowly but surely and that feels great! Thanks a lot

  38. Tina
    November 1, 2015

    Hi Mandy! I’m 27 and honestly, I haven’t been in love up until early this year. I think I guarded my heart pretty well that when love hit me, it left a wreckage that up until this very moment I’m trying to come to terms. I’m the type who doesn’t jump and act impulsively. I waited for the right man to come into my life and that has been part of my prayers. When this guy came, he was different. We we’re never officially together. No label. We enjoyed each others company and I felt like it can go on forever. I could say it was a casual relationship but as time went by, my feelings were no longer casual. When I realized that, I was scared and happy at the same time and thought this could be it. He told me he was very happy when we were together but said he is afraid to commit because of past experiences. Things went down after 5 months of seeing each other until the communication just ceased. I do see him everyday since we work in the same company and same department. We often bump each other but I can’t bear to look at him. Things have been said and done. I’ve learned lessons and I now know my worth. I wasn’t just prepared how this would affect me. I was getting by. I’ve had my one last cry. I did all I can to distract myself. To forget about him. To not let myself succumb to those beautiful memories I had with him. I always show that I am strong. And I thought Im doing better. I would admit there are moments that my tears just start to fall even before I could stop them but I know that’s part of the healing process. Seeing him in the constant company with a lady friend still pinches my heart but I manage to get up everyday and face the world. My close friends in the office tells me that he is not worth my time and that I’m too good for him. I’m trying my best to get my old self back. Every day I pray that all this would end. I know it will. Until then, I’ll continue praying and hang in to the belief that one day I will find my own piece if happiness. And of course, read your blog as well which really helps me a lot. Thank you.

  39. Esther
    November 5, 2015

    Hmmmm! What can I say? Mandy, you are blessed and are a blessing to this generation, sharing your past experiences have been so helpful and for this blog about things one can learn from Break up, you just nailed it for me, because I have been struggling with moving on from the relationship that ended about 3 years ago, a relationship that lasted 3years and 5months, he was my first love, I learnt how to love when I entered a relationship with him, it was a godly relationship. But when we broke up, I was shattered and broken myself, it took only God for me to be partially healed, though when I came in contact with your tweets and blogs, they helped me a great deal, I’m yet to find my Boaz, but I know with all these materials I’m been exposed to, I won’t make mistakes. I believe in you Mandy Hale. Welldone Mandy!

  40. February 11, 2016

    Hey, I’m experience heartbreak now…my second unfortunately. And reading this post made me feel understood. I had never worked soars in a relationship that was filled with disagreements and arguments from the beginning which I told myself was part of our charm. We loved hard and fought hard. But really, I was crying and hurting and felt alone more than I felt comforted. I felt like at any moment he would leave so I walked on verbal eggshells because for some reason I convinced myself I needed him to stay. I couldn’t risk another heartbreak so I forced myself to make him the last one. I tried to do everything g he wanted me to do. I tried to change into someone he could see his life with without completely abandoning my true self. I don’t know. But reading that my love mattered makes me feel like it wasn’t completely time wasted. I realized that I had to value myself and it was certain things that I needed if I wanted to even have him in my life. I grew so much.

  41. max
    July 25, 2016

    To much God talk…. life is what you make it.

    • Mandy Hale
      August 3, 2016

      And my life is my life because of God. Everything I have and everything I am is because of God. And since this is my blog, it’s my right & privilege to talk about Him. If that offends you, this isn’t the place for you.

  42. crystal
    August 9, 2016

    browsing the web and came across this article. so needed this. in the process of healing from a relationship that tore my heart up. kind of feeling like I am not worth it, like there was nothing left to give. I felt hopeless and dumb. I will take my burdens to Him and leave it there. I don’t want to become bitter. I still hold out that there is true love out there. take care and thanks again for this read.

  43. Emily Greene
    November 2, 2016

    I have to disagree because sometimes love can grow and come back. There are people who break up and one initially believes that it is all over and that they “must move on”, but sometimes that person will come back into your life and some couples have gotten married. Also, I disagree that people are strong. It is like we are afraid to admit when we are weak and hurting and broken. I think its healthy to admit when we are weak and in pain or heartbroken. We don’t have to be strong and that IS okay.
    Lastly, the harsh reality is that for some people – they’re true love never comes and while some people are prepared to be single for the rest of their days, not everyone wants nor ends up that way. That is ALSO ok. .

  44. Melissa
    November 8, 2016

    robinson. buckler@ yahoo.com…… restored my relationship, my boyfriend came back to me, i took him back and I am now settled with my him ..

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