Five Reasons Why You Should Never Chase a Guy

ChaseDreamsModern-day dating can be extremely tricky. And by “tricky” I mean often infuriating, frustrating, and unclear. It’s ironic that with all the texting and Facebooking and Snapchatting and oodles of other ways to send messages back and forth nowadays, never has communication felt more…non-communicative. No one’s dating anymore, they’re “hanging out.” And in the midst of all this super casual “hanging out,” signals and wires and intentions seem to have gotten crossed. Instead of the men pursuing the women, a lot of men seem to be sitting back waiting on the women to pursue THEM. Now, please don’t make me launch into some diatribe about how men are natural hunters and gatherers and were born to be the initiators of relationships (because it’s true, but I don’t feel like doing the research to prove it). And please don’t misunderstand me, either. I’m not suggesting we, as women, sit around sniffing our smelling salts like Scarlett O’Hara and play the helpless female in need of a big, strong man to come and rescue us. That’s not my point here at all. My point is this: Men seem to have forgotten how to pursue women. And women seem to have picked up that slack by becoming the pursuers. And in my humble opinion, a relationship that begins as a result of a woman chasing a man doesn’t tend to have a happy ending. I know this because I’m 36 years old and I can say in full confidence with years of dating experience under my belt that anytime I have chased a man, the relationship has gone nowhere fast. But when I sit back and relax and stay open and receptive to the relationship without openly pursuing it, it has always, always, always worked out better. (And b-t-dubs: I consider myself a feminist. But part of being an empowered woman is knowing your heart, your time, and your company is worth being wooed and pursued.) Perhaps you have a different opinion or have had a different experience, and that’s okay. That’s why this is my blog and not yours – LOL! If you do connect with this concept, however, and if you’ve lost months or years of your life to endlessly chasing a man who always seems to stay one step ahead…here are five reasons why chasing a man is the actual worst:

  1. It’s humiliating, exhausting, and downright bad for your self-esteem. It’s impossible to feel good about yourself if you’re willing to trade in your dignity for a pair of running shoes in order to chase after any man. And your dignity and self-esteem are never worth surrendering, for anyone or anything.
  2. If you have to chase him, ladies, here’s the cold, hard truth: He doesn’t want to be caught. A man who wants to be with a woman will always be running TOWARD her, not away from her.
  3. He’s clearly not that great of a guy. Why? Because a man of character would stop dodging and evading and being shady and would sit down with you face-to-face to tell you honestly that he doesn’t want to be with you. He wouldn’t keep playing games with your heart or keep you hanging around as his backup plan.
  4. You are missing out on the things and people and relationships that are meant for you by wasting all your time and energy and emotions on the things that are not. When you stop chasing the things that aren’t for you, you give the things that ARE a chance to catch up to you. But as long as you’re caught up in the drama of an on-again, off-again endless pursuit, you literally have blinders to all the amazing things already staring you right in the face.
  5. Even if you catch him, you won’t really ever HAVE him. I’ve learned this firsthand, the hard way. You can catch someone’s body and still not capture their heart. (And no, I’m not talking about sex here.) You can have someone’s physical presence there with you and their heart can still be light years away. On the bright side, the really amazing thing that sometimes happens by catching someone you’ve been chasing after for so long is it finally opens your eyes to why God never intended for you to catch him at all. Because sometimes it takes getting everything you ever thought you wanted to fully understand it’s nothing you need, and far from what you deserve.

I hope wherever you are in your journey today, you’ll realize that you are worth being pursued. You deserve a man who is willing to do whatever it takes to capture your heart. Take off those running shoes and give your legs and your heart a break.

What would you add to this list? Sound off in the comments below!

If you want to read the story of the relationship I chased after for eight long years (I am living proof that chasing is a bad idea), grab my book (& New York Times Bestseller) I’ve Never Been to Vegas But My Luggage Has at any bookstore or order it here!

209 Responses to “ Five Reasons Why You Should Never Chase a Guy ”

  1. Anita Milner
    October 8, 2015

    So true, just need to remind myself of this daily.

    • Patti
      October 9, 2015

      Yes, this is so very true! And I do know it but I have to be reminded of it from time to time. We as women are so worthy to be pursued and wooed! Believe that!

    • October 12, 2015

      This is so true. I totally needed to read this. I have had an on again off again boyfriend for ten years. Everything that was said in this article was everything I needed to hear. Now I just have to apply this to my life! Thanks for sharing.

    • Benta Sila
      November 4, 2015

      Exactly what I needed. This article is so true.

    • Tara
      January 3, 2016

      So true! I definitely needed to read this today.

    • SF
      January 20, 2016

      I love this. I feel that EVERY woman needs to read this, and internalize it’s message. There are so many things that a woman is already doing, she does not need to take care of the pursuing a man as well! I am such a Mandy White fan.

    • Maria
      January 24, 2016

      THIS WAS EXACTLY MY EXPERIENCE ! I can happily say Ive retired from chasing Men! No more wasting time:)

    • February 21, 2016

      BRILLIANT – I have to stop chasing useless men!! They sap my energy and make me depressed – it has to stop!

    • gib
      February 26, 2016

      Flip the script, reverse the roles. Can the truth still be told?

    • February 29, 2016

      Dear Mandy ,
      I’m a guy that happened in to your site by chance and I think your article is spot on. The only thing that I would like to add is this . Since males do
      Almost all of the chasing and pursuing they are very aware from experience of all of the pitfalls of chasing . The conclusion you reach in
      #3 about the man not being a great guy because he will not make the time or spend the energy to honestly reject you is frustration that far more men go through as they chase the objects of their desires . In my opinion On average a woman is far less likely to honestly explain that she is just not that into you . So when texts go unreturned and she’s helping a friend do her hair on date night guys immediately call into question the woman’s character and honesty .

    • Zylla abigail
      March 5, 2016

      this really hit me straight to my heart. Obviously I know that he doesn’t like me but I still would want to believe that he does. I keep blinding myself with the truth that I’m chasing over someone who doesn’t want to caught. This is a hard core truth. As bad as it strike me, I need these words to wake me up in my nightmare I would want to be called dream.

    • DAMIEN
      March 10, 2016

      This is a joke and the reason why men gave up persueing women. All the thinks you wrote about us men applied to women too. I stipe’s chasing woman as I was so sick & tired of never getting a reply or any equal interest.

      Today I say screw that women arnt even worth the hassle. They piss me off more than they make me happy… This applies to a lot of men. We are sick as tired of entitle ass women…

    • Laura
      March 14, 2016

      Point number 5 was so well written, by your experience it shows that you know what to say…and I can relate, thanks a lot for the read. The last sentence in point #5 is bang on… Sometimes all you thought you wanted was never for you to begin once you have it, you realize it. Cheers ladies:)

    • April 6, 2016

      Please ladies you must understand that times have not changed that much, if a man is interested in you, he will chase you if a man is not interested in you. You don’t want to make the effort by chasing him. Proof is in the pudding, a women must remember she must look for a man that would be a good friend a good husband a companion. Look for a man that looks out for you! That cares about you and loves you. A man that tries to provide for you, and is willing to be there for the long haul. Remember it takes two people to make a relationship work if you do not have honesty and trust between each other then you are doomed for failure. Good relationships take a lot of time and they take effort from both parties. No relationship will survive if there is only one person making all the effort and not getting anything back in return. Remember don’t put all your cards out on the table take care of your emotional health, physical health and Financial Health. Always try to keep friends and family around you know you can trust and that will help you if you should need them. Do not stay in an abusive relationship leave early get away from that situation so you have a chance to think clearly and make the right decisions. Save your money and keep some set aside so that you will have means for a rainy day. Please remember to pray because the good Lord wants us to have hope, love and a very happy and blessed life. A life where many of our dreams come true and are fulfilled. A life where we don’t have to look back into our past and have many regrets of things we should have done but we’re able to accomplish. I have a sincere wish that whoever reads this will find peace wisdom and true love. Best wishes and take care. May God bless you and keep you safe.

    • Carla
      April 25, 2016

      I do believe these can be some harsh words but so very true. What women have to realize is everyone you may like may not have the same feelings as you. When that happens we need to put our big panties on and move around. It may hurt for the moment but will not last forever.

    • Mike
      May 3, 2016

      Chasing andflirting is meant to be a fun game for both. Do not leave all the chasing and flirting to guy. It is not fair and and it is frustrating. Reciprocate and reward.Bias on the side of doing it if unsure. It give you more time and more interaction to find out if you like him. If he does a first step always appreciate.
      He smiles , smile back. If he cracks a joke laugh. Be feminine, show no silly masculine attitudes. It means do not try to dominate him. Dominance is inherently masculine trait. If you display it you display less femininity and make him less attracted to you. And other way around if he gives up in fight you humiliate him and him weaker and he will never forgive you that you did not allow him to be masculine. You also will be less attracted to him (your pussy will be less wet) and you will despise him because he becomes weaker by giving up fighting you.. Do not behave as if you had a dick.You have pussy. Appreciate and ecourage his masculinity rather than punishing it. Do not listen to modern extreme feminists. They do real damage to the fabric of society. They accomplished all worthy goals decades ago.. Nowdays they have no lomger reason for existence in the western world , even worse they are detrimental.. Feminism is only needed in Saudi Arabia or all other arabic counties. Do not manipulate him. You are showing lack of respect for him. Do not cheat on him. Again lack of respect. Do not think of getting a backup guy first if you are not happy with hi. before breaking up with him. Again lack of respect. Think why you are not happy. Is it bacause you humilited him and turned him into a lesser man?Man is attracted to you if you radiate femininity , respecting him, supporting him , stroking his ego, caring for him on occasion. Be his best fan on his way to become a better man. Do not give him reason to be jealous. If you do all of this he will reciprocate by showing his masculinity so you are more attracted, by providing for you, protecting you so you can relax in his presence.

    • Ruby
      May 17, 2016

      Don’t you hate it when you’re interested in a man and you actually give him attention but then acts iffy. Soon after you move on they come running back and bug you when you’ve already lost feelings.

    • Salena
      May 22, 2016

      Lord have mercy .. nothing truer then these words . Six yrs later and I am here now, feeling lower then low can go. All Alone praying that he will get better but everytime it gets worse . Thank you for these words I am 36 will be 37 in two Months . I started this at 30 .. enough years wasted it time I get better.

    • Jane
      June 1, 2016

      The only guys who chase after me are short, fat, unattractive, and unaccomplished.

    • Tahasha Freeman
      August 7, 2016

      Thank you Thank you Thank you! Now I can really let go of him. I am going to stop following him on instagram. I tried everything to let him go but this article has done it.

    • David
      August 21, 2016

      this is such bullshit. why do women strive for equality in society and then act in this hypocritical manner? do you think men enjoy chasing women? and getting turned down constantly? it’s bullshit and it’s attitudes like that that’ll never get you a significant other

    • Chad
      August 29, 2016

      Being a male, your first reason for women to not chase a guy is a good reason why guys don’t like to chase women. It is exhausting, and dead blow to the self esteem.! Ladies you’ll have to admit it’s much easier for a woman to pick up a man than vise versa. Is our time not worth anything to women.? Why should men be the ones to initiate everything.? If a man feels his efforts are going nowhere, he drops it and tries something else. I would agree most men are genetically wired to provide, hunt and gather. Not chase the female species. Women wanted equal everything, I have nothing against that, whats wrong with a woman putting forth an effort.?

    • Mandy Hale
      September 6, 2016

      Chad…there is a great big giant difference between a woman “putting forth effort” and a woman ardently pursuing a man. A VAST difference. Absolutely a woman should put forth effort. A relationship takes two invested people. HOWEVER…I can categorically say that never in my history or in any history of literally ANY woman I know has chasing a man turned out well for anyone. And I would be willing to bet if a woman chased you incessantly instead of letting you take the lead and responding favorably, it would not turn out well either. What men want and what they SAY they want is often two very different things. I suppose that’s the same with women…however, I can speak from many years of dating experience and from seven and a half years of being the instigator and the pursuer with a man who never once took the initiative…chasing a man NEVER TURNS OUT WELL. It just doesn’t. When I see a successful instance otherwise, I will be happy to share it here and reevaluate my perspective. But until then, I stick by what I wrote here. ~Mandy

    • September 4, 2016

      There’s a large amount of critical information missing from this article – you don’t give the details of the characteristics of the males you attempted to pursure. Were they confident? Were they shy? Were they average in terms of personality? Were there any specific aspects to their appearance – for example were they tall, short, all sorts of eizes? Generally, what did you say to them when you approached them? This whole concept seems to date back to that Victorian era book ‘The Rules’. Look – it’s 2016 now – not 1956 anymore, or even 1916. Many females have come a long way since then. Remember feminism? Remember how important equality was to feminists? Well, part of equality means approaching malee rather than waiting for them to approach you – and – not only making sure they are a decent male, but taking the time to really PURSUE them the way a lot of males pursue females. Just remember how many males you’ve rejected yourself. And when it comes to really decent, considerate shy males, just realise that they are not going to pursue you because they can’t do that. Also remember that a lot of males can’t read subtle female hints, so a lot of the time even though YOU think you’ve communicated your interest to them, often they haven’t got a clue as to what’s going on because they communicate using specific information.

    • Tanya Kaur
      September 12, 2016

      This article just nailed it. Its so true but we women keep forgetting. Thanks for the lovely article.

    • Angelina Dominic
      October 3, 2016

      Hi thanks for the sensible advice…. I needed to hear it!! I joined a dating site recently and really seemed to hit it off with this guy a fellow arien …. Which is one of the excuses i gave myself when he didn’t message me back…. After a few days of waiting online at the same time he was on so he was aware I was online too…. But nothing….. So I finally deleted all our messages and looked to you for some moral support…. I’ve been alone for around 9 years now and to be honest its hard but I guess alone with some dignity is better than chasing a heartless loser!!

    • Elle
      October 16, 2016

      I’m not sure how I stumbled across this… it’s like it was written for me today and exactly the advice I needed to hear.
      Having spent the last 9months of my life chasing someone who I know loves me but will never really be there for me and let’s me down at the drop of a hat to the point where I’m left feeling lost, worthless and hopeless. I know I’m not really but thats how I’m left feeling after being let down time and time again.
      I know in my heart I’m a good, kind person… I’m also a 5″9 self employed, creative, fun and a pretty 30 something girl with a big, giving heart, but it’s hard to remember that when the person who says they love you doesn’t call you all day and ends up in the pub without even so much as a thought for you. Or ignores your loving messages and rarely ever meets you halfway with anything (unless it’s the bill when he really should be getting the lot).
      As of today, I’m removing the chasing trainers and putting on my gym sneakers and getting back to doing what I love and taking time back for me rather than doing all the leg work and instead of wasting my time trying to make him be there when he clearly doesn’t know how to be or even have the will.

    • Alexandra
      October 16, 2016

      This is so true . It will save you from wasting your time.

    • Di
      October 17, 2016

      Mandy, this is a nice article, very well written, however… what you write works for men exactly the same way, I believe.
      A woman should chase a guy if she likes him. You said it yourself here don’t miss the opportunity – well, how do you think we know if there is any opportunity? We don’t. We start chasing our desired human being and, yes, sometimes, if we are not careful, we get grilled… but I think, that’s the only way. I chase, my friends chase, but we also get chased by women and, I think, then main problem here is that sometimes we are chased by those who we don’t want to be chased by. And those people find us cold, distant and unforgiving. What you are against is the unhealthy chase – it’s when all the factors are there and it’s obvious that a guy is using you, but you keep going, trying to melt his heart… well, guess what, it happened to me and lots of my friends, when they were chasing an unreachable woman. Same thing. I don’t see any difference. We are all humans… in the end, if you like someone, don’t be afraid to express it.

    • Toni
      October 29, 2016

      I am so glad I read this, so true! I am going through this right now with a guy who plays games. It really does bring your self esteem down, he sends me so many mixed signals, it’s like he’s here with me then he disappears for weeks. He never calls or texts, I am the one who makes all the moves but no more. He says he doesn’t want to commit but treats me like we are together. He wants his cake and eat it to, it’s like he is always looking for the next best thing, it is very hard not to contact him, but I think he doesn’t bc he always figures that know matter what I will be here waiting for him, and he is right. I need to move on.

    • Dano Moore
      November 5, 2016

      As a man I’m calling bullshit on this. We as men will chase what we want. But at the same time if we are constantly being pushed away rejected and felt downright unwanted we will stop pursuing her. It hurts us just as bad for us to be rejected in that way that makes us feel unwanted as well.

    • elightened one
      November 12, 2016

      This is so so so true. When I feel like I am constantly trying to chase a guy for our relationship to work,that so one sided. The guy should call or text me. I feel like I ‘m not doing all the rowing in the boat called our relationship.

  2. Christine
    October 8, 2015

    Love this! Exactly what I needed to read!

  3. Trish
    October 8, 2015

    I feel when you chase a man that clearly has made it a point to that the only time he has for you is for sex, you do have blinders on and you have somehow lost self respect as well.

    • Karina
      October 9, 2015

      That’s exactly what happened to me.

    • Tam
      March 14, 2016

      Been there! Done that. I am totally different now. No man will ever use me and not respectfully realize I am not a plastic doll to use. You’re going to court and date this woman or you are going to take your ass on.

    • August 30, 2016

      It’s amazing after all the equality rants, you still want men to pursue. For What?? The message is clear, we’re not chasing because somewhere in the past women stopped being worth the risk. I used to be an engaged in the dating scene after my divorce. Point blank, no man knows what response he’ll get from a woman he wants to approach. I’ve lived and watched horror stories unfold starting just that way.

  4. Tess
    October 8, 2015

    It’s SO tiring still trying to capture a man’s heart when he’s supposedly already yours!!

    • tammy
      October 18, 2015

      Hi Tess, a man of character will want to capture your heart, there will be no supposedly, he will make it clear.

  5. K
    October 8, 2015

    I so needed this today, thank you for posting. This is the flat out truth that we all need to hear, especially in today’s culture.

  6. Faith Ordona
    October 8, 2015

    Thank you for sharing this thought. I’m currently on this exact situation. I’ve invested too much emotion I’m having difficulties dettaching myself. It’s something I needed to read. Maybe it was meant for me to see and read this random thought you’ve shared..

    • Faith
      October 8, 2015

      !

    • October 8, 2015

      Exactly.but l have moved on.how can a man who doesn’t communicate you at all tell you that you nag and complain just bcos you asked him why he isn’t communicating.then he said you don’t understand him.

    • Debra
      March 11, 2016

      My heart feels like it’s breaking and at my age, 53, I thought only the young would go through such agonies. I’ve recently finished with a man I’ve been dating for almost 3 years. I loved him so much and still do but I felt I was always kept at arms length and never truly allowed in. When I tried to have a conversation about how I was feeling, it was met with little interest. He told me once he felt rushed and he “needed to get to grips with all the angles of the relationship first”. I think deep down I always knew it wasn’t going anywhere.
      Our relationship started with a bang, romance and passion. He pursued me and wanted to spend all his time with me but within several months that changed. I was left wandering why and to this day I don’t know the answer.
      We had a blazing row the day before my birthday and I left. I’ve been down ever since. We have had contact and he has said he loves me but needs time to chill. He’s been casually dating others and yet says he still hasn’t given up on me and up until now, I’ve been stupid enough to allow my heart to rule my head. Thank you for this blog it really was what I needed to read at this time in my life. I’ve invested too much of myself to someone who does not respect me.

  7. Kenyatta
    October 8, 2015

    Thank you so much for this message Mandy. I will admit that I’m chasing a guy that I really want to be with, but he’s giving me all of the oblivious signs that he doesn’t want to be with me and I need to accept that it’s a relationship that’s not meant to be. And stop looking like an idiot. Thanks again…

    • Krystal
      October 10, 2015

      Thanks for sharing your story. You are right. If a man is chasing you, be a treasure not trash when he catches you. My father told me to be an asset to a man not a liability. I need to bring something to the table too.

    • Frida
      December 4, 2016

      I hve the same problm . I always gave the relationship a chance .. Bt it took me no where

  8. Victoria
    October 8, 2015

    So perfect. Especially #5.

  9. Felicia
    October 8, 2015

    If he’s giving you attention, pursuing, and taking you out on dates, introduces you to friends and family, spends the holidays with you, but tells you initially that he’s not ready for a relationship and his heart is still with his ex….don’t waste your time (like I did for a year 2014). Don’t give him anymore of your time . He is only with you for sex and for his selfish reasons. He will replace you and move on to the next girl. It’s purely sexual for him only. Friends with Benefits. I’m still not over this.

    • Melynda
      October 8, 2015

      I fully agree with you there Felicia, I just dealt with that myself. Heart breaking. What’s sad is that I thought we had at least a great friendship. But now that it’s over he was just to wishy washy. One month kissing me and acting like he wants something more, the next getting the “just friends” speech. It’s gone on for almost 10 months. This past weekend I simply asked him who he was texting (girls name was up on the screen) He bit my head off and said that he told me that he and I were just friends and we will never be girlfriend/boyfriend. I explained to him that he is the one kissing me that I haven’t initiated anything. I’m sorry, I don’t kiss my “just friends” so clearly he has something to hide and I FINALLY realized that I deserve so much better. I got that reaction after the entire time of bending over backwards for him and helping him and supporting him. I can say with confidence, yes, I know I’m insecure, but I don’t hide things I don’t care who you are you ask me a question such as “who are you texting” (which i may add he has often asked the same question of me) and I will tell you. But it took all of this to really learn how to VALUE myself. So maybe that was the whole reason God introduced us. Because I KNOW I deserved better treatment and I VALUE myself and my time a bit more.

    • Teresa
      October 8, 2015

      Excellent addition to the blog! I went through that for 5 years!! Ugh! Once I got away from it a year later my total dream come true man pursued me. I am so blessed to have this real true man in my life.

  10. Pearl
    October 8, 2015

    Thank you!!! The cold hard fact! Love your blog

  11. Miriam K
    October 8, 2015

    Exactly Mandy.

    Life is too precious to be wasted on unrequited love. Way too precious!!

    #teamnocompromising

  12. Abigayle Roycroft
    October 8, 2015

    This really helped me with what I did. I’ve chased a guy at my school for a year and a one point he did like and asked me out, but his parents didn’t like our age difference, so we couldn’t be together. We stayed friends. I still had a huge crush on him, and I never got over him until something bad happened that never should’ve happened. Now were no longer friends and it upsets me mentally that I see him everyday and can’t say hey. But now its been three weeks since the incident happened and I’ve moved on to someone who came to me, and who likes me for me. I’m happy now and reading this I know now I’m not the only one who’s felt like this or has chased after a guy that was my friend but I need up losing him because something that can never change

  13. rachel
    October 8, 2015

    Brilliant just what I needed to read at the right time

  14. Lebo
    October 8, 2015

    This I also learned first hand. Thank you Mandy.

  15. Dr. SUSHMA SARKAR
    October 8, 2015

    Simply amazing..” I only chase dreams not People..”
    Best Statement A Single confident & Self Dependent Woman can say.. 🙂

  16. Daphene
    October 8, 2015

    Read this through tears. I’ve been doing this and I’m stopping right now.

  17. October 8, 2015

    Exactly what I needed thank you.

  18. Leslie
    October 8, 2015

    I just did this with a guy. We’ve been “dating” for a few months. It started out ok. Actual dates. He would call. Started getting to where it was always going to his house and I was always initiating contact. He was always “busy”. Haven’t talked to him in a few weeks. I decided that I am worth more than he was making me feel. So, no contact on my side. If he wants to talk he has my number. I’m actually not obsessed about it either, which is a first for me and I’ve learned that he isn’t worth my time if I’m not worth his.

    • Krystal
      October 10, 2015

      Thanks for sharing your story. In this world of instant everything, we forget that good things take time. Be desirable not desperate. And if a man is pursuing you, make sure he finds treasure not trash when he catches you.

    • sarah
      April 14, 2016

      Hi I wish I could be that strong. Been with my partner 4 years always told be patient about plans plans nothing excuses all the time.I am old enough to be strong and let go but I can’t hoping he will realise what we had once

  19. Katie
    October 8, 2015

    I had this happen for 9 months. One of the most painful things to realize was that he wasn’t ever going to let me have his heart, even when he said I had it. Actions always speak and prove how someone truly feels. Everything ended but in the end I realized how much I was worth. And it is true; the guy who wants you, will always pursue you.

    • Bi
      October 8, 2015

      Almost the same thing happened to me. And it’s funny that when you’ve moved on they come around chasing after you, pursuing you again thinking you’d fall for those same words. How little do they think of us? I’m nice but I am not stupid to be giving second chances with someone who was never certain of having me in the first place. I certainly agree, no one has to be chasing anyone just so you can have them. There’s a difference between chasing and persevering.

  20. Michellon
    October 8, 2015

    Thanks, this was very helpful. It hurt but the truth usually does. I’m learning to love me the way I am and remember I am not my past.

  21. Tracy
    October 8, 2015

    This is exactly what I needed right now. It is so true. We are worthy of being pursued.

  22. Amy
    October 8, 2015

    Perfect timing. Perfect. I AM worth pursuing. He shouldn’t make me feel that I have to coordinate my complex life to accommodate his. That’s NOT the way it works. I was about to apologise for telling him I missed him and couldn’t wait to see him, which made him feel “pressurised”. I think perhaps I will stop making the massive amount of effort to show how I feel about him, and let him spoil me and run around after me for a change. I felt absolutely humiliated hearing him tell me I am rushing him, he made me feel like an immature fool. God has impeccable timing!

  23. Denise
    October 8, 2015

    Sometimes the stars just align. I’m sitting here in utter disbelief that my engagement and relationship of five years is just gone. I needed to be smacked into reality and this article was the thing to do it. Thank you for the insight!!

  24. Kristy
    October 8, 2015

    This is totally me right now! . What kind of response is because I’m conditioned that way? I don’t trust anyone because of the trifling women around here. I can’t fall and don’t let my emotions get out of control…but then I see he has a heart and it’s hard for me to just let go!

  25. Margaret
    October 8, 2015

    Very true. I just got out of a similar “relationship” with someone who played me massively. He used me for sex, vanished, then came back for more – a pattern that stretched out over the course of a few months. Needless to say it shattered my self-esteem and made me feel absolutely disgusting. I’m a smart girl but he made a fool out of me. I kept hoping that maybe there was more to him than that, but there wasn’t. Realizing the guy you like is actually an asshole and accepting it is one of the hardest things. Fortunately, I’m outta there and healing. Funny how vulnerable your own demons and unresolved issues make you. Thanks for the read! Amazingly true.

    • Pari
      April 4, 2016

      Same thing happened to me. I fell in love with this guy I worked with on campus. He dated me, we were in bed quickly. I had been infatuated for months prior to the first date. Looking back I see how weak I was going in, but my God did it hurt. He left town without a goodbye a few months in, came back a couple of months later. I slowly allowed him back in and we continued for over a year, nearly two. We used to spend weekends together, travel together. I met some of his family. He met some of mine. At some point he saw something else he liked and began to pursue it. It really hurt me when I found out. I distanced myself, but it took a while, and he moved away for work, but we still kept in touch and visited each other. Finally one day he disappeared from social media and I never heard from him again. Turns out that he married that girl he pursued while he was with me. She’s actually a relative of his, a cousin or second cousin. I felt gutted when I found out, and now they are producing children. I still resent him and I probably always will. I went through so much agony with him. He really should have left me alone the first time he ditched me without saying goodbye. And I should have been strong enough not to allow anything to be reestablished with him. He hurt me tremendously, and I hated myself and felt completely unworthy of love. But hey, he got to have sex and some company, while he waited for his underage cousin to become legal then moved geographically close and commenced harassing her until she finally relented and married him. And now, thanks to the wonders of social media I can see she looks fat and miserable, he looks old and gray, and their children look quite droopy in the face with weak chins. So, the universe will take care of itself I suppose.

    • Kel
      August 19, 2016

      Margaret-I just went through the same thing pretty much, but only for 5 months. He pursued ME for a couple of months beginning December 2015. I was very hesitant at first, but the more we communicated (even though it was through texting and Facebook messaging first) I really began to like him very much and he was growing on me. However, he just ended up using me-for company, sex (when he wanted it; turns out he was seeing others casually) and rides home from work occasionally (he hadn’t had a car in a few months). I was there for him for support and didn’t mind doing so. I wanted to be needed and wanted. My insecurities crept in some (because I’ve been hurt so many other times-like we all have). I ended up walking on eggshells because I didn’t want to scare him off. He ended up ghosting me for almost 6 weeks. He came back on May 6th with a FB messenger apology, which I forgave him. I had been sick at the time and couldn’t see him until a week later. Things started out really well (or so I thought) and we were communicating again a good bit, though not as much as before. I felt more at ease with him and he even had me over to have dinner with him and his roommates,, which to me, was a huge deal-like meeting his family. (His folks live out of town and things weren’t to a point where my meeting them was in the picture.) Then after that day, he started becoming distant. A week later we were together and he received a FB message from who he told me was an ex gf. I became quiet and tried to act like it didn’t upset me even though it did. Especially given the fact we had been intimate a half hour earlier. Three days later he gave me the non-verbal break-up. (Long story) We had never fought, argued, had an unkind word to each other in the whole 5 months. He never totally let me in. Only shared what he wanted me to know. The next night after the break-up, he was at another girl’s house and after that they were checking each other (Facebook) into a restaurant in town. He unfriended me a week later. He changed his relationship status on June 29th to in a relationship with the girl. It turns out he had been seeing her at least a couple of weeks AFTER he came from having ghosted me for 6 weeks. I’ve been a wreck ever since. Beating myself up, thinking this was all my fault. Wondering what it was/is about me that he didn’t like; comparing myself to the new gal. All the usual things we do to ourselves. Wondering why he is treating her better, actually courting/dating her and spending much more time with her in 3 months than he did with me. Going to family functions with her. It’s disgusting and disheartening. (I’ve heard this through others.) I am slowly trying to wean myself off of social media because I can’t take it anymore. The more I know, the worse I feel about myself and the situation. He and I were friends as well, and now we aren’t. Trying to come to terms with the possible fact that they may stay together forever and i can’t do anything about it. Working on trying to get my life back in order. It’s been tough.

  26. Liz
    October 8, 2015

    Ain’t that the truth! Hard to swallow but very true. Been there multiple times, done that multiple times and it has NEVER ended well! I just pray for Grace to not repeat the pattern or get ahead of myself and start pursuing them now that I have realized that is what I was doing. It really is just not worth it.

  27. Elle
    October 8, 2015

    You know what, I read this; and I realised how much I really needed to hear this. I’m a young girl (18) and for the past week have been frantically stalking this boy I have spoken to just twice. I know this may be typical teenage behaviour but I really do feel like I’m losing my mind waiting for him to text me. I know I shouldn’t be acting so obsessively but I can’t help myself. It’s quite embarrassing

    • Lena
      March 9, 2016

      Hi sweetie,

      Late response but I was there too at 18 and he turned out to be the best thing I never had – sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck. Focus on the wonderful person you are becoming instead and put her first

  28. Cha
    October 8, 2015

    love this blog! Specially number 5 is a fact! I done everything i could to save the relationship, and still left me without a word said….so i didn’t chase him after that coz i know i’ve done my best…but my best will never ever be good enough for him…

  29. Pat
    October 8, 2015

    It’s a well known fact – playing a little hard to get works in your favor because it adds mystery to the pursuit.

  30. October 8, 2015

    I agree with you 110%. I chased a guy that i thought was perfect, my dream man, on and off for 20 years. Needless to say when i finally caught the relationship was an epic fail that didn’t even last a year. Not that i regret it though. After i recovered from the very messy breakup i finally felt free from him and a couple of years later life could not be better. I certainly won’t be lacing up my running shoes any time soon.

    • Antoinette
      October 11, 2015

      Julie. I relate. I was involved with a man for 18 years. I thought if I was the goodvgirlfriend, give him sex, and be devoted, he would marry me. Instead I waited and wait….nothing. Then I started feeling conviction. I’m a Christian and I knew I wasn’t honoring God, so I took sex off the table. That’s when the relationship got complicated. On again, off again, until he finally decides he wants to get married. But, things were so different. Unequally yoked for one. We’re both originally from Cleveland, OH. He moved to Columbus for a job. I found a a job about 9 months later. It was a disaster. We hardly saw each other. I had no idea who his friends were. We were living 2 separate lives. I was not happy. So I made the decision to let him go. Now having to take the time and let my heart heal.

  31. Lorena
    October 8, 2015

    Back in the day when there were no Facebook, texting, social media or internet; my stepdad had no choice, but to initiate conversation with a woman he was interested in. I agree with him when he says men nowadays are cowards.

    • November 19, 2016

      Cowards. So true

  32. chrissie
    October 8, 2015

    Wow, this came on a right time.

    • sara
      October 8, 2015

      I’ve been such a fool for the past 2.5 years. This is incredibly true. Without question separating reason from emotions and not letting your emotions drive your decisions can be a challenge. If he doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated or with respect and honesty then he’s definitely not worth pursuing. Move on as fast as you can…like I finally am. Realize your self worth, set boundaries and the pieces will fall into place with the right person.

  33. Su
    October 8, 2015

    Such a good blog. Thank you for writing this and giving me a reminder that the guy I’ve been chasing is stupid and that I am worth being pursued.

  34. Laura
    October 8, 2015

    So glad to see I’m not alone. I relate to so many of these comments, it’s sad. Excruciating.

  35. Kaia
    October 8, 2015

    After reading your post, I am feeling a little more free. I love to consciously think about what my heart already knows and understands. However, although I feel like I logically understand all of your points, there is a part of me that will probably always say, “but…” to excuse some guy’s behavior or justify my own. What I want to do more is follow my heart, trust my gut, and have faith. I truly believe happiness is a choice (or a result of choices you make), and when you choose to “chase” you are choosing to be unhappy. So maybe from now on, I need to ask myself, what will make me happy? Not just in the moment, but in a more general sense. Yes, it might feel nice to spend some time with a guy you’ve been trying to “reel in,” but do those few slivers of happiness make up for the hours of anguish and sadness in not feeling “good enough?” Nope.

  36. October 9, 2015

    “If you have to chase him, ladies, here’s the cold, hard truth: He doesn’t want to be caught. A man who wants to be with a woman will always be running TOWARD her, not away from her.”

    I wish we could syringe each and every alive woman on this planet with this dosage…damn girl!

  37. Merisha
    October 9, 2015

    I love this article!! I have the exact same mindset, as this is what’s been preached to me from various sources (especially Dr James Dobson!!). I believe that men have become lazy, selfish and self-centred, and the older they gate (i.e. from the late 20’s into their 30’s and 40’s), the more they focus on themselves and expect a woman to jump into their lap without putting in the hard work. I’ve opened an account on Tinder (maybe you can write an article about online dating, especially from a Christian perspective – if you haven’t already) and most of the men their wanna chat for a day or two, and then ask you what colour panties you’re wearing. They live close enough to pursue a proper relationship with you, but are so lazy to put in the hard work that comes with it and assume that because you’re dating online you’re wanting the same thing they want, which because we’re from Venus and they are from Mars is never the same thing. Also, the fact that you have to pursue the man means that he’s just not into you. Tomorrow he’ll meet a woman that sweeps him off his feet, and you’ll be heartbroken to see how much effort he puts into that relationship while you had to struggle with him. Good luck to all the women out their looking for good partners, and to you too, Mandy. Waiting to be pursued (as this IS the way God designed us) is definitely a sure-fire way to weed out the men we are not meant to be with.

    • Tiffany Zinna
      October 9, 2015

      If you truly have hopes of finding a decent, Christian man to date, try Match.com, Christian Mingle or E-harmony. Tinder was created as a “hook-up” site. So dont’ be surprised if they ask you a lot more inappropriate things than what color your panties are.

  38. E
    October 9, 2015

    I agree with this post when it comes to dating and courting. However I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman approaching a man – so perhaps intiating the very first small move (introducing herself for example) – and then letting him pursue you. Some men are shy or for whatever reason don’t intiallly talk to you (for the first move) but once they know you’re interested they should chase you of course – if they don’t then absolutely they don’t want to be caught.
    What do others think about this?

    • Jana
      November 7, 2015

      I think you have a point.

  39. B
    October 9, 2015

    Great article! I agree with everything. What does it look and feel like when I’m not chasing a guy? Practically speaking what does it look like when the running shoes are off?

    • Pearl
      October 29, 2015

      B – if your question was not in jest, in a nutshell: you should not initiate texts, calls or dates. You shouldn’t “lead”, or “pull” the man along, BUT, when he makes advances (gentlemanly ones), you should be open, friendly and warm. Let your light shine. The easiest way I have found to try to do this (and it isn’t easy) is to stay in the mindset of not caring either way about the outcome. Just do you, and have the idea in your head that if he chases you, it’s great because you’re awesome and you want to get to know him and if he doesn’t chase you then that’s great too because you’re fine and happy on your own and enjoying this amazing life you’ve created for yourself. (And if you haven’t created your amazing life yet, that’s your first step and adventure. Best wishes and good luck!-Pearl

  40. Jasmine
    October 9, 2015

    This was right on time! I’ve been trying to find balance in this area waiting to be pursued without feeling like the helpless lady. Thank you for your transparency and honesty!

  41. Kim
    October 9, 2015

    Amen!

  42. sadhli
    October 9, 2015

    Loved this article…its just awesome beyond words.
    I just wanted to say one line..
    Be a lady that he want to live with and can’t live without.

    And if either of the things are not fitting the situation he is not the man who would move mountains to be with you.

  43. Courtney
    October 9, 2015

    Its weird because I know that I am not supposed to chase men because it just ends up in a heartbreak, but what if the guys that I usually date are really shy and are just way to intimated and shy to say anything to me? I always date men who are very introverted for some reason. I understand that im not supposed to chase men, and this is such a good blog post because I chased my ex and he literally broke my heart. So trust me I learned my lesson! I just think not all men are outgoing enough to approach girls if that makes sense. So its kind of hard for me differentiate the difference between chasing and just doing what I have to for the circumstance. If that makes any sense at all!

    • Laura
      October 26, 2015

      Dear Courtney – if he really likes you, he will ask you out. Patience is key, don’t rush, don’t jump the gun, let him strategize how he will ask you out.

    • S
      August 22, 2016

      Courtney if you introduce yourself to a shy man and he does not pursue you he either does not like you enough or he may be weird/crazy either way what type of life would you have with him if he did eventually marry you? A bad one. Normally weird guys can’t hold a job etc…

  44. Temika
    October 11, 2015

    Dealing with this right now. Put up my running shoes today. I’m done!!!

    • GiGi
      October 14, 2015

      You go girl, I’m happy for you!

  45. Suzanne
    October 11, 2015

    Thank you for the reminder and the much needed reality check!!!

  46. Tshenolo
    October 11, 2015

    So very true.men nowadays are cowards!instead of being honest and open with you,they just string you along and make a fool out of you.

    • October 15, 2015

      YES!! I feel like I have been made a fool of so much lately. They all say one thing but actually want/mean another. When they come back (out of the blue) they always know the right thing to say to keep me on their hook. Well no more!!! I love reading Mandy’s posts. They are always so timely for me – right words at the right time.

  47. AC
    October 12, 2015

    This is PERFECT and very apropos of my life right now! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for this reminder. Needed it! Xoxo

  48. Kimberley
    October 12, 2015

    Every time you come up with these amazing words at the right time!! Thank you Sooo much!!

  49. karen
    October 12, 2015

    Thanx dear im in the same situation and the worse part of it is that he is married

  50. Janina
    October 13, 2015

    Yes YES YES ….I CANT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW TRUE THIS BLOG IS, I AM GUILTY OF BEING THE PURSUERS AND CHASING SEVERAL MEN IN MY PAST RELATIONSHIP AND I CANT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW OLD THAT CAN GET, I AM A 33 YEAR SINGLE WOMAN WITH NO KIDS AND CURRENTLY DATING SOMEONE, I DONT CHASE ANYMORE, EVEN WITH THE GUY I AM CURRENTLY SEEING, I AM KEEPING MY OPTIONS OPEN UNTIL THIS MAN CAN SHOW ME HES REALLY THAT INTO ME AND SERIOUS ABOUT ME. I CANT BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH DATING HAS CHANGED AND HOW BAD IT HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT THAT WOMAN FEEL THAT THEY HAVE TO DOWN GRADE THEMSELVES AND SELF WORTH I KNOW BECAUSE I WAS THAT GIRL. LADIES RISE UP AS WELL AS MEN. WE AS WOMEN ARE THE PRIZE AND TREASURE, MEN ARE THE HUNTERS. I NOW DONT CHASE, I DONT BEG AND IF THEY WANT TO GO I THROW UP MY DEUCES AND SAY BYE FELICIA AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT…..AT ALL.

    LADIES YOU ARE THE TREASURE, THE PRIZE AND RARE RUBY….LOVE YOU ALL

  51. Jay
    October 13, 2015

    You are amazing. I actually teared up reading this because it is so true! All of it!! I solely believe everything you said. I’ve had girlfriends tell me that “he’s just afraid because he knows how amazing you are” and I always say no! I don’t believe that! He’s running away from me because he simply does not care! Though it may hurt to realize that it much better than living in a delusional world. Thanks for this post it reminds me to stick to my guns and not to romanticize my rejection.

  52. GiGi
    October 14, 2015

    This is what I’ve been going through. Your website and ig page has really helped me to start the process of moving on. I felt as if I wasn’t myself with him. He was never really interested in me I believe. He told me he loved me and that he wished he would’ve met me before I had children. He doesn’t have children but I have three and became a widow two years ago. He was the first guy I dated following my husband’s death. I’m 31yrs young and educated with a lot going for myself…far more than him I just felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. I have never been a woman with low self-esteem but for the first time he really made me feel this way. We would have conversations about out ex’s and he would always smile when talking about his and all the things he did for her and the time they spent together. I started to become jealous and envious in a way. That’s not me. I also start obsessing over him and what he was doing all the time. I will never do this again. He started talking to me reckless using profane language…It was clear that I wasn’t for him but when he wanted sex I was the best for him. Smh I finally became able to say no and now it’s been two weeks. I still have a long road ahead of me. I’m getting back to me and remembering who I am and I will never pursue a man again!!!

  53. October 15, 2015

    What a great post! And so timely for me. I feel like technology has ruined the dating world (for me at least). I always feel like I’m chasing! These guys are so lazy these days. All they ever want to do is text. They never want to talk on the phone or set up a “meet” or “date”. I feel so frustrated. Time to take off my running shoes and give myself a break!! Love to you all!!

  54. zee
    October 15, 2015

    thanks!! I needed to see this. I am REALLY bad about this and literally just did it the past day or so- I hate feeling like its over after a fight. I literally expect things to be over after a fight then i’ll dump the dude then realize oops i didnt mean it- its a vicious cycle that i want to break cos i feel like an ass every time i do it, cos then i feel lie what if i have opened up the idea to the person. Thats when the chasing begins. This probably has to do with the repeated dysfunctional relationships I have allowed myself to exist in. I do not know what a normal love situation looks like and so i tend to want to clench onto whatever i feel resembles it in my head… anyway I do so badly wanna change this. I want love. Real love, stable love and none i have to chase for. I have never been an online person and i feel its not for me and i am not that interested in social media anymore thank God.

  55. Emily
    October 16, 2015

    Cried as I read this post and the comments. This was me. I chased a man for 5 years! I know, shameful. I kept thinking, if I constantly text, talk to him, he will see I like him and persue me. Wrong! All he ever wants to talk about are his sports, music , interests and when I try to talk to him about my interests too, he quickly changes the subject. I was always going to his house but he never came to mine even when I invite him, he finds some excuse. Sometimes he ignores me when I reply late to a text or for some unknown reason and gives me silent treatments and acts as if I’m not there then he text later like nothing ever happened. He asked me on a date once but stood me up and never gave any reason. It went like this on and off for so long, one day I told God I want to stop hurting and amazingly he gave me the strength to just let go. I think this hurt me esp because I’m not confident, I’m fearful and insincure but step by step I believe God will heal and restore me. Dear ladies, trust in God as I’m learning again to do and He’ll help you and bring a man into your life to persue you. A man that truly loves God and will love you too. This is my hope and I believe. Hope you do too:)

  56. Merna
    October 18, 2015

    Completely right. Thanks for sharing.

  57. Vanessa
    October 22, 2015

    OMG! This is such an eye opener. It’s so me that it’s kinda sad 🙁 … The hard part is actually putting it in practice

  58. Brian
    October 24, 2015

    I noticed there were no male comments on this page, so it looks kind of like a any women who has a negative outlook on men please post your comments here. I hope mens comments get posted as well. I am a christian man approaching 30, and I’d like to share my perspective on men and women (christian and secular) in America in regards to relationships. I noticed in a lot of these individual comments the women seemed to have pursued men that I as a man would consider losers. What I’ve noticed in my personal life is that a lot of women (not all) that chase losers, have passed up opportunities they’ve had with great guys for the current loser their with or just broke up with, and after wasting their time/energy/money/emotions/heart on they now carry this all men are bad jerks perspective around with them, and say I’m done with men I don’t need/want a man, and I will only except a really high caliber man next. I’m going to describe myself, so you have an idea of where/who this is comming from. I must stress that I hope nothing I say here in this discription of myself is conveyed in a proud or arrogant way; but I type this with a physical demeanor of lowliness, humility, and humbleness. Men always assume without knowing who I am that I mess around and sleep with tons of women because of the way I look due to working out a lot, and the way I dress due to being a business owner; and never assume who I really am. A single christian man who the only women I would ever be phisycally intimate with would be my wife who I’m first emotionally intimate with, and after giving each other our hearts at our marriage ceremony, and who has been working his whole life to make sure he can structure a beatiful christian home, and be the best husband/father he can be for a wife I haven’t met yet and for precious children I haven’t had yet. If you chase losers chanecs are you will catch a loser; but if you chase winners (good, decent, moral, ethical men with integrity) chances are you will catch a winner, and you’ll feel like this is worth investing my time/energy/thoughts/emotions on. GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU LADIES!

    • Dr. D
      February 8, 2016

      Unfortunately, sexual attraction and physical attraction can’t be bought or every woman (and man) would simply go down to the “feelings store” and buy some feelings for the “nice” man or woman who has all of the qualities everyone knows are important for a lasting relationship. What seems to be either discounted or ignored by men who chide women for falling for men who aren’t interested in any meaningful way is that mutual sexual and physical attraction–or what is known as chemistry–are often elusive. Popular music is filled with songs about unrequited love and frustrated desires because loving/liking someone who does not feel exactly the same way is common. Also, the men many women want for intimate relationships are not losers. Often, they are men who can choose from a variety of women. They are usually men who magnetize women because of a combination of personality, looks, style, and an easy, charming way with women. No woman wants to have feelings for a man who does not care or who only sees her as an option rather than as a priority. The only thing women can do is understand that chasing a man usually means the man isn’t really interested. At some point, the wise woman will realize that such imbalances never work out, and she will distance herself. However, learning not to chase men we find desirable who show little or no interest is something intelligent, self-aware women learn over time. We are attracted to whom we are attracted, and there is little we can do about that. The only thing we can control is ourselves and our actions, which takes many women time and experience.

    • RT
      March 14, 2016

      Brian, Thanks and you sound like a great man. But as a single Christian man as the way you describe yourself, wouldn’t you be the pursuer -he who finds a wife… -don’t you think? Men are natural pursuers and a woman can give a man a strong hint, but if he’s not responding and she is doing it with a quality man, then she should move on, because he’s not interested in her -wouldn’t you agree? A good man should recognize a woman’s value if he is the right one for her and a woman should not waste her time trying to make him do so, if her Adam is not waking up then maybe he’s not her Adam or maybe he’s not quite husband material yet. RT

    • Katie
      April 1, 2016

      Hello Brian,

      Thank you for your post. I’m a “good” girl whose impression of most young christian men is that of being a dork, who doesn’t know how to handle himself. You sound like someone I’d like to meet someday. Someone who would appreciate intensity, warmth and vivaciousness that comes in a Christian package without assuming I’m “cold” or “needy”… figuring me out instead of assuming. I like what you said about emotional intimacy before physical intimacy. That connection is what is the core of every relationship and if God’s involved, I believe nothing can shake it.
      God bless you and the strength you have. I hate the weakness I feel and I need that reminder of faith.

    • Cherie
      April 25, 2016

      Very well stated. I sincerely hope no one thought negative of you for speaking your mind.

  59. Laura
    October 26, 2015

    Thank you for sharing. I am 35 and so inexperienced with dating boys. This year, I met my soulmate, I thought. We met at work, he would come over to talk to me and then I opened up to him, thinking he could be the one. He would literally stop at my desk to talk after his shift was over so one day without even thinking I asked him out for drinks. I thought I would faint (I AM NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN). He gave me his number, I called him, but he said he couldn’t make it that night, but he would want to make plans for the future and that now that I had his number to not be a stranger. So the future came and we went out (only once), we kissed and he pulled the I’m not interested in something serious as you are pick up line (if that is a pickup line), he invited me to his place and I said no. He offered to walk me to my car, but I had valet parked. He wanted to show me his sports car, but I refused. He asked me why I was still single, I said I was taking my time and his response was a sexually attractive woman like you should. Idiot. I left home and the following day, he texted me to say that he was sorry he didn’t share the same feelings I did and that he wanted to be friends. Anyway, I was laid off from the job and on that day, he was acting very weird and jealous of another guy. He cut me off when I tried talking to him and I don’t even know why. I sent him a text later that night to pour out my heart and all I got back was…I’m beyond mad right now, I’ll talk to you later. My head was spinning, didn’t know exactly what I did wrong or if anyone said something bad about me. So I emailed him like 4 times to ask him what was wrong, I never got a response. I sent him a text on his father’s anniversary, just to acknowledge it and be thoughtful. Well, I finally heard from him and in his text he called me a crazy “c”, a fat ass and that I had to disappear (a threat). All I wanted to know is why the heck he cut me off the way he did, without an explanation. We are adults, we should be able to communicate. Well, my mistake was pursuing him in the first place. I shouldn’t have asked him out to drinks, I should have just cut him off from the get go and I should have never told him about my feelings or sent him emails. Lesson learned a coworker is strictly a coworker like I had always done in the past and yes ladies, DO NOT pursue a man. As innocent as you might think it is, it is not, it is wrong. Men should be pursuing us :). Good Luck <3

  60. Suzi
    November 3, 2015

    Totally just screencapped #5 I’ve always told myself that if the cat an mouse game finally ended and he decided to settle with me I probably wouldn’t want him. So next time I decide I’m bored an want to text him I’m just gonna open #5 an read that instead

  61. Amanda
    November 4, 2015

    Needed to read this desperately. Going through a rough period after a recent breakup. Been feeling depressed & upset. After 6 months and seeing each other every day he just disappeared with no explanation. I feel like a complete idiot that I was played. I actually kept asking him to tell me why or what happened to get closure. He won’t respond….praying for healing to get through this. After reading all the posts I can’t believe how many women are going through similar situations. It’s sad…

    • DeAnna
      November 8, 2015

      I’m sorry Amanda and completely relate, I hope time will heal both our pain.

  62. DeAnna
    November 8, 2015

    Beautiful! My boyfriend broke up with me today and my heart is breaking, I need to remind myself daily that I deserve the best, not what I thought was the best!

  63. […] Somewhere down the line, women have completely missed the memo of letting a man ‘court’ you before marriage or long-term comittment. Yes, I said ‘court'; it’s old, traditional and totally detached from the vocabulary of women today. Women have simply signed an air agreement to being a man’s wife, before he ever acknowledges you publicly as his girlfriend (Steve Harvey calls it PROFESS). The roles have changed, and now women are doing more of the pursuing, making it more difficult for traditional single woman to get a man. Mandy Hale of thesinglewoman.net writes in her blog, Five Reasons Why You Should Never Chase a Guy, the cold hard truth behind chasing a guy. He doesn’t want… read more here! […]

  64. Abby
    November 10, 2015

    This was really helpful! It was a great reminder of something I’ve been pushing to back of my mind. Lately I’ve been trying to catch myself and slowly change my pursuing into simply getting to know this guy (in hopes of a genuine and close friendship), rather than make him like me. He has wonderful qualities and I really do like him, but I’m learning that if He is who God intended for me, God will make that very clear. I shouldn’t be questioning whether he likes me too! I’ve shifted my perspective on just getting to know not only him but everyone else in my life a little better and strengthening my relationships with people. Besides, I don’t need to worry about marriage yet so this isn’t even necessary! But thanks again for a great reminder to keep myself on track to becoming a better me!

  65. November 12, 2015

    Well said! Bravo!

  66. Alma
    November 19, 2015

    Couldn’t be any truer.
    An addition to the list – If you keep chasing a man it makes you appear desperate and unwanted by other men, which is totally unattractive.

  67. Loreal
    December 1, 2015

    I loved this post. I have to agree with that was being said.

  68. killian de leon
    December 2, 2015

    Oh boy…#3 and #5 hit it right on the head!!! that was me a year ago in a relationship that lasted 8 months and all of the sudden without any kind of communication pooof he was gone and all I got was…I need time alone. I was like an idiot calling, texting but never did I get a response except for the first one saying “if you come to my house or I think you are coming to my house I will call the police on you”

  69. Michael M .
    December 15, 2015

    Hello, Mandy ! On page 76 0f “The Single Woman”, you offered a chapter in favor of being “hard to get” , I’ve had way too much of “hard to get” in my life, and not enough of “giving me a chance” or “being available” . You’re stereotyping men . There ARE ways a woman can give me a challenge, but that comes AFTER we get into a relationship . Looking through the photo section of your Facebook page, I saw where you wrote “Something I just recently learned is that chased love is not love .”, “The person you’re meant to be with will never have to be chased, begged, or given an ultimatum .”, and “A happy life isn’t about chasing a man or having a man …” . Why does that go for a woman, but not for a man ?

    • Mandy Hale
      December 15, 2015

      Hi Michael. It is my opinion that a man SHOULD be the pursuer, thus the reason for my stance in my book/Facebook/my blog/etc. I’ve done it both ways and I know firsthand (and from literally all of my girlfriends and all the ladies who reach out to me for advice) that as much as a man might say he doesn’t want to be the pursuer…the minute a woman starts chasing him is the very minute he gets bored and bails. So that is my stance and it won’t be changing anytime soon, and unless I see evidence to point me to the contrary. You don’t have to agree with me. In fact, I would urge you to start your own blog and change the conversation and even prove me wrong 🙂 However, based on my faith and other values, my viewpoints on the roles of men and women in a relationship are not going to change.

  70. December 24, 2015

    But what do you do if the only men who pursue you are losers you don’t want to date? Settle for one of them or pursue someone you like? It just seems if it’s the right guy it wouldn’t matter who pursued who. So I have to disagree with this article. I think it shows alot of self confidence to pick who you want and go for it. There’s a difference between being desperate and pursuing. Besides, you can tell if a man likes you when your with him. If you still pursue him after being around him and he seems not interested thats the problem

  71. Alice
    December 29, 2015

    I just stumbled across this blog tonight and I’m literally crying reading this post. It’s the advice I didn’t know I needed. I thought I was empowering myself because I pursued men, I thought I had an advantage over other girls because men weren’t ‘use to it’ and they must like the ego boost. But how could I be so wrong?! All my actual, nice, serious relationships started when they pursued me. Every single time I have done the chasing it crashed and burned dramatically. I had no idea why until now. Thank you so much, you have given me a new direction and perspective on relationships and love to follow in 2016.

    • Mandy Hale
      December 29, 2015

      So happy you found your way here, Alice! Sending love and prayers and well wishes to you in the new year. I hope you’ll check out my new book Beautiful Uncertainty…I think it will bless you! 🙂 xo, Mandy

  72. December 29, 2015

    lol i’m a guy who’s done throwing my time to the wind, chasing u girls who think u’r gods gift to the world.
    truth is my time is just as valuable as urs. relationships r only real when they’re created with mutual efforts. it’s not my fault most guys r shit. it’s also not my fault that most girls r equally shit. with this said, i’m not in any way interested in a girl who isn’t batshit crazy about me. this is why i talk to foreign girls, cause american girls r conceited and spoiled.

  73. TW
    December 30, 2015

    TRUTH Mandy!! I thought I was being a “21st Century Woman” by chasing and pursuing a guy. Nope. Turns out the natural order of things is for a Man to pursue a woman. (Yep, some things never get old). Once I finally “got it”, I stopped chasing after him. I even stopped calling and texting him. On Christmas day, he stopped by my house and brought me a gift. He was not on MY Christmas list this year because after the way he treated me this past Spring and Summer, there was no way I was going to reward bad behavior. So I accepted the gift (most people said I shouldn’t have, but let me tell you, this gift was a loooong time coming. LOL), and told him thank you and sent him on his way. Now let’s see what happens next.

  74. January 8, 2016

    This is so true..
    I’ve been a fool for a year and half.
    I’m widow and my late husband left me a good money.
    I meet this guy and he stayed in my house for straight 6 months with our sharing a single penny for rent.
    I cook for him, washed and his clothes, prepared things for him. But ge never share for grocery and never shared for my laundry card.
    Everytime we eat out I always. ..he paid sometimes. . I spent more than 3 for his 2 birthdays and most of money buying him gifts, from clothes to jeans to shower gel, toothpaste, toothbrush, mouth wash, deodorant and a lot more.
    And in a year and half…he was in and out of my apartment and he has own key..but when we went to Kelowna we stayed in a hotel and never brought me to his house..never introduced me to any of his family and friends…he blocked me on fb and every time were together his always on his phone..I was so stupid of falling in love with a guy like him…finally I broke up with him before new year…it’s hard because I’ve been honest and sencre to him..but he never love me. .he just took me for granted…all my friend was telling to get rid of him but I didn’t listen to them coz I was hoping he will learn to love me and I tried everything. ..chasing every now and then..all skin sorry even though it’s not my fault…doing everything to pls him…until one day…I got tired and I just need to stop and rest..

  75. Pat
    January 8, 2016

    I’ve done my homework with men, and one thing I know is to never chase. The problem is notice why women chase is they think less of themselves and have low self esteem. You allow yourselves to then get treated not the way you want. Men always admire a strong, confident intelligent woman who has a mind of their own and who wants some one, not Need someone. When you need a man, they feel all you want them for is their money. The minute you consider yourself, you and you only important, you have taken the weight off of them. Men want to feel wanted, not needed. Throwing yourself and chasing a man or anyone for that matter, is a bad reflection on you and makes you not only needy but vulnerable. Chasing, buying love giving all your attention to him, will never get you what you want. Only heartache. A woman should never chase. A woman should have a life of her own, girlfriends to hang out with on occasion and the man should be an extra, not the be all end all. mom always said and I stand by this, a man should be happy you chose him to be in your company. That means, he may have picked us, but it’s our choice whether he stays or goes. He wants to feel wanted, not needed. Chasing is too much work and men were born to be hunters. Let them do the hunting and we be the challenge. It works far better than chasing.

  76. Lacarma
    January 10, 2016

    This is not right. Men should NOT have to chase women. Those men who didn’t want to be with the girls who’s chasing after them. Are not worth the time. Its good to do a little chasing. But don’t make the man do all the work. Because men will have the same problems if they have to chase all the time.

    • Mandy Hale
      January 11, 2016

      I never said a man should chase a woman. I said a woman should NOT chase a man. Regardless of what anyone says…men were built to be pursuers, hunters, gatherers. It’s NATURE. So when you take that natural instinct away from a man by pursuing him, the relationship has nowhere to go but down. I’ve experienced this myself, every friend I have has experienced this, every reader who writes to me asking for advice has experienced this. Not chasing a man has nothing to do with “making him do all the work.” A woman should certainly be engaged and reciprocate when she’s interested…but to blatantly chase and pursue a man is a recipe for disaster. If you prove me wrong, I will happily print a retraction. But I’ve never in my 37 years of life seen a situation end well when a woman was the constant instigator and pursuer of a relationship.

  77. Judy Walker
    January 10, 2016

    EXCELLENT…..WELL SAID!!!!!!

  78. Zara k
    January 16, 2016

    Great article! This is so true. No matter how modern day dating might be and many men saying they like it when a woman also chases, takes initiatives. It’s clearly not reality.

    As a younger woman/girl I never chased anyone. And guys would stand in line pursuing me. Then came the time when I turned that around, chasing whoever my heart would fall for. And since then I have had no luck at all with men. I had convinced myself that by doing the chase, it would mean that I knew what I wanted, and it would show as a strong quality, unfortunately men don’t see that. It’s natures course of how mating should be. My mother always used to tell me, go for the guy that falls for you and not the other way around. How right those words were. As I sit here 33 years old, after 1 failed marriage and a even more failed dating life. I have come to the same term, let the men chase. But it’s so damn hard, when you’re used to do it. It’s kind of like a bad habit, maybe a change is gonna come, now that the problem is recognized.

  79. Alesta
    February 5, 2016

    i totally agree. but why though? guys can fail to get girls too, they don’t always succeed. what’s the difference between guys pursuing girls and girls pursuing guys? both can fail on getting their love. (trying to win a debate with my friends)

    • Mandy Hale
      February 7, 2016

      Look at the evidence of relationships that have started because the woman chased and endlessly pursued the man. It speaks for itself.

    • Kristie
      April 19, 2016

      So the man takes a risk at rejection when he pursues. A woman risks rejection after you meet. It has to do with a natural order of things. Just because he pursues doesn’t mean she will be interested. And vice versa just because she likes him doesnt mean he is interested. Its risky on both sides just at different times.

  80. February 8, 2016

    i agree – and it even matches the attachment theory. But there is one part that seems to be missing. What if no one chases you… i mean no one. I live in Dubai and unlike what most people think, its probably a combination of LA and vegas in the Middle East. It doesn’t matter if they look like prince charming or the ugly beast, they , like girls they stand in groups of 2 and 3 – sipping drinks and avoiding eye contact. I don’t wish to brag – but i’m fairly attractive and down to earth. Yet its not just me – Adrian Lima could be standing there alone, but not a single man will approach her. So now what? Let me give you a scenario. Ladies night – at a popular bar and restaurant – over many 100 ladies and probably a ration of 1 is 10 for men. Intimidating – maybe. But i happen to meet a guy at the valet – whilst leaving with friends. I make a funny comment about a car and soon my car is up. I like the guy – he is cute , charming and funny. I have seconds before i leave and nothing to lose – so i decide to ask for his number. he gives it to me !- i don’t give him mine. The next morning i whats app – saying thats for the number, it was a bet blah bla. he says i look familiar and we figure out we work in buildings very close to one another. a little more chit chat and i say “maybe il see you around”. he responds – sorry for the late reply. lets meet next week, i have business trip – il give you a call. ok -wow, not expected or asked… but ball is in your court. So i don’t think much about it – come Monday afternoon i just say – “how was your trip”. he responds was good and that was the end. I mean i hate to nag – or initiate but what does a girl do? why nt just say – sorry im not interested. its whatsapp – not like im infront of you – how cowardly can you be? I mean Tinder and bumble re even worse. lots of flirting and conversation but when it comes to meeting… nope. it doesnt matter where they are from and how old – always the same. so i agree – no chasing. but Please do a follow up piece maybe on how not sit on the wall and wait either… surely there is an inbetween? did i go too far to ask for the number. as you said if he really wasnt “that into me” why bother giving me the right number or even replying to whatsapp – he could easily block me right? i dunno – its becoming so difficult just to meet people and have a conversation or some fun. im too foward – too direct. or im sitting forever spinster.. lol. i mean honestly and openly – what is a girl to do?

  81. Reina
    February 13, 2016

    I am glad to know it is not easy for a woman to stop chasing someone. I guess it is our nature to desire for connection. Also my behaviour was initiated as the result of wanting to clarify any misunderstanding. It is good to note that when man see the woman as needy, get the misinterpretation that the woman is after money. I think I have to come to terms with the fact a man who did love me once has been driven away from me due to my inability to stand on my own. Was loosing my self confidence, but now know that I am not the only one with the challenge to stop chasing.

  82. Kay
    February 13, 2016

    This was wonderful. I’ve been interested in a man for over six months. He is busy- we all are- yet he has time, always, for his friends or other people. I’ve told him that I really enjoy talking with him, spending time with him. He said he did with me as well. However, he never makes plans to spend with me. I won’t case him. I like spending time with him, but I enjoy the company of many of my friends: I just don’t want to kiss them, as I do him. He’s going to be “friend zoned”, as this is what happens to the guys in my life who- at one time I had believed had the potential of being more than a friend- but they didn’t see me as important enough. Odd, aftetwards how they always kick themselves- I’m not vain, I just know my worth and value.
    I’m grateful for your blog: it reiterated what I know, but at times temporarily forget 🙂

    • Z
      February 29, 2016

      Both men and women project their own high interest level and intense feelings onto their luv interest.
      Its very difficult to be objective when wishful
      thinking tskes over. Chasing never works for either
      Person in a relationship or a potential relationship.When one person in the relationship
      Is not motivated enough by the intensity of their feelings to drop their defensiveness , and the other person is then the chasing begins .

  83. antonella
    February 26, 2016

    Just an awesome blog. I have been doing the chasing for 8 months and everything you posted here is so true. Sadly I know that and cant understand why I cant let go. I have already been intimate with him, so it makes it all that much harder.

    • Strong mum
      March 31, 2016

      I’ve written a list of all of his faults. Absolutely anything you can think of!! Read it whenever you want to contact him, then don’t! Let him do the chasing and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t deserve you anyway! xo good luck!!

  84. Cil
    March 6, 2016

    I would not chase a man because…
    1. I’d be rejected
    2. I’d be rejected
    3. I’d be rejected
    4. I’d be rejected
    5. I’d be rejected
    Already tried it. Being rejected is the word to define my life and I do not need more of it anymore.

    • Can't rain all the time
      March 21, 2016

      Men get rejected too

    • Kim
      March 24, 2016

      Rejection isn’t the reason really! Honestly, better be rejected and Move on. The problems is knowing that men don’t appreciate ANYTHING unless worked for. He gets you easily, then you just don’t mean much to him, and in his eyes, you just don’t have any value whatsoever. Simple. So, you may not be rejected and be in a relationship with a man and know deep down in your heart that he doesn’t give you his heart. That’s WORST than rejection!

    • kelly
      April 6, 2016

      Well hello ladies I know that you’ve been out there done that got the a T-shirt but there are some things you should know about women chasing men so remember please don’t do it some advice from my grandmother. Who lived to be over a hundred years old. They say things have changed but actually they haven’t, don’t chase a guy let him do the chasing don’t put your cards out on the table and let him know too much about you or your life so there’s a big opportunity for you to really get hurt if he’s not the right guy. When you’re going swimming wade in carefully and always take your time, get to know that person or you could really get hurt and that’s what’s happening to a lot of women and sorry to say guys too. We jump in too soon. We’re not looking for all the red flags and we get our feelings hurt. Remember there are a lot and I mean real sharks out there. So watch out and take your time. Always remember to protect yourself whether it be your finances your emotional health or spiritual health and your body. Have a nest egg or researve of means and money when things don’t go right. Keep friends and family you know you can trust near you just in case you have to leave the situation or leave a relationship early. As they say a good soldier always believes in the best but prepares for the worst case scenario. Look for qualities in a man or a woman that would make them a good friend a good boyfriend or girlfriend a lasting long term companion and mate. Remember proof is in the pudding getting to know that person and time will tell you if they’re the right one for you or not. Remember time waits for no one we are all getting older don’t waste your time on a relationship you know that has no future try to be friends with that person do the best you can. But if you feel that the relationship is not right for you then do your best to keep your options open and move on. Try your best to be happy and have a blessed and fulfilling life so that you won’t look back over the years and have regrets of things you didn’t do or felt you did’nt accomplish. Remember to pray and that the good Lord loves us, and always keep in your heart hope knowing that he loves us and all things are possible in his love. truly love makes the world go round and love is the true power that can help us accomplish anything we believe we can do. I hope this will help who ever reads this. Stay blessed and best wishes to you. Take care.

    • April 10, 2016

      right ,if you chase a man you gonna end up being rejected…I chased a man and he ran opposite of me:(

  85. Sarita
    March 17, 2016

    Amazing blog…I believe in this thinking …So true it is.

  86. Can't rain all the time
    March 21, 2016

    Wow this really isn’t true. I’m reading this and feeling sad at the amount of potential happy relationships that this may have stopped from happening. We are not all the same, we all go through different phases in life, sometimes we want to be chased and other times we want to chase. If there’s a man out there that you want then you should try and get him, maybe he’s not feeling good about himself it has given up all hope of finding a great girl by looking because he has had no luck, or it could be a thousand other reasons. Please don’t let this stop you from making a man happy. We are not all the same.

  87. Kim
    March 24, 2016

    Great Reasons! A friend of mine and I concluded that while guys are super SLOW to figure out what it is they want in their lives, you’ve got to let them figure it out on their own. No matter how hard you chase them, or how hard you try to make them see the light, they just won’t get it until they learn on their own. Once they do, they can make differentiation and appreciate the good women out there and spot the marriage material women. Until then girls, reach new personal goals, and live the single life to the fullest. Personally, I’ve taken up traveling. Not to say that lonely nights won’t pop in, but doing exciting things are always great distractions. Let God decides the right time and and let Him fully prepared your man.

  88. Strong mum
    March 31, 2016

    I wasted 7 years with a guy and I honestly couldn’t tell you why I even ‘loved’ him. He was emotionally and sexually abusive in that time and all I did was try harder to be better so he would love me back. I never believed all the signs that told me he was cheating continuously throughout our relationship (including not connecting the dots that he’d had a girlfriend when we’d gotten together).
    This last week I realised I had started to do the same thing with a different guy. I had him on this pedestal and was thinking about him all the time and texting him (surprisingly he’d be ultra keen before we slept together – only to slowly drop off the planet in the week after that). Well you know what, F$&@ him!! I’ve learnt from my mistakes and recognised what I was almost about to do again and I WILL NOT put myself in that position again! No one deserves to be treated how I was or dragged along as some guys back up plan. Those 7 years were hell and now that I have 2 daughters I WILL be making better decisions for them and me!
    Please anyone reading this who is back and forth about a guy like this, leave now. You deserve better and I know there are better men out there for us. Don’t let anyone make you feel the way I did, it’s a long way back out. The pain of rejection now is nothing like the pain of all of those years of being held down.
    And write a list of all of his negatives to read anytime you feel like texting/calling the a$&@hole 😉

  89. wilma
    April 6, 2016

    This has changed my life today. Deep down we know when we are truly valued but our need to be loved blinds us to the truth. Not easy to be strong but so worth it in the end and have your feelings of self-esteem restored.

  90. cindy white
    April 12, 2016

    That’s what is happening right now,I can’t even stop,I keep texting him every min,sometimes he just read and not reply,but I see my self texting again,I feel like am going insane,I just want to let him go,but I can’t ,I just have to delete his contacts but didn’t block him,just in case he want me around,and he want to be with me,but I can’t wait any longer,I just want my love for him to end

  91. cindy white
    April 12, 2016

    That’s what is happening right now,I can’t even stop,I keep texting him every min,sometimes he just read and not reply,but I see my self texting again,I feel like am going insane,I just want to let him go,but I can’t ,I just have to delete his contacts but didn’t block him,just in case he want me around,and he want to be with me,but I can’t wait any longer,I just want my love for him to end

  92. Lena
    April 12, 2016

    I have to say I feel funny with the logic of Point 1. In my other areas of life, I don’t consider potential negative affects on my self-esteem as a justifiable reason not to do something – I go to the gym even though people might be looking at me, I sing when I don’t have the greatest voice, I take jobs and ministry opportunities I feel imposterish in, and mostly, I follow Christ’s example of faith and courage to do things that make me uncomfortable or in which I am afraid because these strengthen my faith, courage, and help me grow in trust of Him. Why should relationships be different? I don’t lose my dignity or self-esteem if he doesn’t reciprocate or I get rejected. In fact, I strengthen it, non?

  93. Vickie
    April 14, 2016

    This was perfect for me to read tonight. All things are meant to be.
    I almost stopped tonight where a new man I recently started dating goes for a drink once in a while. Makeup and hair perfect, and I decided to drive by and head for home. Felt better with my decision after reading this. It’s the advice I would and have given a close friend.
    If this man wants to date me, he will call and pursue me. Simple as that.
    Thanks again

  94. Lisa
    April 18, 2016

    I cannot believe I found this just in time, before I made more of a fool of myself. I have been seeing this man for 1.5 months. He’s been attentive, constantly messaging me, checking on my day, calling me sexy, complimenting me…I thought there was a connection. I was desperate for that connection, I guess. So this past week has made me open my eyes and realize deep down this isn’t going to work.

    He had to go out of town unexpectedly, things were quiet for 4 days, it drove me nuts, since he had been so communicative with me up to that point that I knew, deep down, something was wrong. Sure enough I found out he had a problem out of state that kept him there and unable to contact me or anyone, for that matter. and I DO believe it, there is proof.

    However, since being back, he was fine at first. Said how glad he was that I came to see him, asking me how was my day, back to the same old compliments and interest. Then I asked him “that I know he is busy, with just getting back into town, but that I missed him and wondered if it would be OK to try and see him this weekend, if he felt it could happen”. He said “yes ma’am, I’ll work on it and if nothing else we could meet for drinks”. So that kept my hopes up. Fridays communication was fine, but Saturday his communication was close to zero, then Sunday absolutely nothing. I figured since we didn’t see each other Friday or Saturday, that his day off, Sunday, would be the day. But not a word…I was hurt, but I kept trying to remain positive and think there is a logical reason for the silence. He is a good, southern boy with manners, so the silence confuses me. I have messaged him this morning, with no response yet. It’s been 2 hours. I just don’t understand the miscommunication all of a sudden, and after work I was still going to remain positive and go see him, but now I am seriously re-thinking it. I don’t do well with the silent treatment, but I guess his silence speaks volumes. He knows that I like him, I thought he liked me too, and he knows I missed him and wanted to see him, and he agreed to it.

    This is what pisses me off about men, just be honest and tell me you changed your mind, you’re seeing someone else, you don’t think this is going to work…I’d, personally, rather have that little bit of hurt upfront so that I know and I can move on. Than become bewildered, feeling bad about myself and confused as to why you started to ignore me. Who the F knew at 49 I’d be dealing with this sh*t!!! I am so over it…dating sucks and it’s exhausting!! I am longing for my soulmate and that deep connection with someone, but it hurts too damn much trying to find it…glad I found this blog! Thanks…

    • ikema
      April 24, 2016

      Hey Lisa im Ikema…I have been likeing this guy for mmmm 3 months now and its been a looooong long time since a gentleman like him has came my way and i feel like this is the type of man for me…he’s affectionate he’s romantic he opens doors for me but at times he’s stood me up and shit im like you tell me that something came up or u decided to hang with someone else and not me…i hate to be ignored…they say shit gets worst before it gets good or things are great in the beginning and then here comes silence of the lambs..i hate that shit

  95. Kristie
    April 19, 2016

    Mandy, i woukd like your input on a man that pursues and then does a 180. I feel like i am on the same page and then they back way up and im just standing there confused and wanting to fix things.

  96. TW
    April 20, 2016

    @Lisa (April 18, 2016) Girl, I know how you feel. The guy I was seeing was acting the same way. I’d send him text messages, he would answer some and ignore others (??) We would have conversations via text and in the middle of them, he would just drop off (I always compared that to walking out of the room in the middle of a face to face conversation). I would call him, get his voicemail, leave a message to call me back, and he wouldn’t. I sent him a b’day card and he didn’t even acknowledge it. Finally, I just had enough. So I went total no contact on him. I no longer initiate texts for phone calls with him. He’s texted me and I “mirror” his behavior–meaning, I ignore it or take a week before answering and then my answers are short and to the point. Back in January, I needed him to do some work for me. He did it and then when I told him what time to get his payment, he totally disregarded and that’s when I realized that he just wanted me to chase him and keep calling and texting him about picking up his money. Well, he was in for a surprise. No way was I doing that again. So I actually mailed the money to him. It was actually a week and a half before he acknowledged because, again, I know he wanted me to call and text asking if he got the money. I just shake my head at this guy.

  97. Zuzu
    April 24, 2016

    I think I m chasing him coz I always ask him to visit me I feel like I’m the only 1 who want future with him even if he must cum and see me I have to ask sometimes he just give stupid reasons and endup not coming I can’t stay away from him mybe I’m chasing him indeed Y can’t he just cum bfo I ask

  98. Rania
    April 30, 2016

    Excellent article and very true.

  99. May 9, 2016

    Hi Mandy,
    I’ve been divorced for last 3 years almost after a 8 years of marriage, i was so lost in my marriage trying to please him and raising my kids I forgot what it feels like to be loved. Even after the marriage ended, I’d given up. Oh boy was I in shock. The whole dating scenario has changed since the days where there was no Facebook, no whatapp, tinder and no way of intruding in other people life’s. I’ve come across so many guys who are very similar. Just want to get laid with no dates, not even a compliment. Most of these man are skidding towards their 40s and 50s. So I’m beggining to wonder if men change? and I think women like these games too it’s like they will always chase. I e been chasing one guy for 2 years now. I had a few flings after my divorce even in the midst of chasing him. For some reason the ones that chased me I didn’t find them attractive, some of them were even married so I knew they were losers. I think we are going to do the opposite of any advice or do what we please because you’re never going to stop looking. When you are chasing a guy you’ve obviously seen something in him, that you’re lacking in yourself that’s what pulls you text him. He may not be the person you thought he was, which most of us learn the hard way. But your so drawn in and emotionally invested (all in your head) by this time that it becomes a habit. Chasing some what has become a habit, women don’t see how dull the man is really cause their so caught up in the game. If only we threw ourselves at us rather than throw ourselves at him and realize that we have been chasing for far too long and it’s not a feeling good so we stop for a while. The problem with that is sooner or later these guys come back to roll us back in and the cycle behinds again. It only takes a simple shitty hi from him for us to put our rose tinted glasses on and put him back on the padestal. My advice to this is everytime he does just ignore his text, get in the habit of telling your self he’s a cheapster or loser and write this out a 100 times if you have., just like we did in school eventually you can mind trick yourself again and beli e in what you saying Good luck

  100. Nikki
    May 12, 2016

    As I sat here and read this I got my 8am “good morning” text from him. We text all day, everyday. He says he just wants to be friends but is so jealous if I speak of another male. I’m very honest about my feelings for him but he’s only receptive at times. Very kind to me, we hang out, have sex but not always. Sometimes we just hold each other. Very confusing. However, reading this has kept me from responding to his Good Morning text. Gonna wait and see if he misses me. Might take all day before he gets a response. Great read. Thank you!

  101. Jennifer K.
    May 13, 2016

    Really wish I had read this sooner. Smh, screwed myself over this time. I’ve got no one to blame but myself.

  102. keke
    May 16, 2016

    Exactly,eventhough i sometimes feel lonely,i will never chase a man,plus we ladies chase thee wrong guys who dont even love us!!

  103. Courtney
    June 4, 2016

    I’ve been “seeing” this guy for 2 months now. I’m completely infatuated and I can absolutely see a future with him… BUT I’ve been chasing him.. And he doesn’t seem as into me as I am into him.. When we are actually hanging out hes very sweet (holds my hands, cuddles, etc.) but he has done no chasing and after reading this it’s time for him to do the chasing!! It’s going to be tough but it needs to happen 🙁

  104. ROB
    June 21, 2016

    Ok ladies, i’m going to make things easier on you.

    First of all this word “chase” means different things to different people. So why not try this instead. How is it that you want a man to treat you? Figure it out please and then tell us…!!! We are not mind readers.

    If you like doors opened for you, tell us, say thank you…! Tell us you like it when we hold the door for you. Then guess what, we’ll do it if we care..! It only takes one time for a guy to get shunned on the door thing before he assumes that you don’t like it. Communicate with us..!

    What do you like?

    Do you like a morning text or a goodnight text. Do you like to be left alone during the day or do you enjoy constant messages?

    I read these comments and most of what i’m hearing is, i’m going to ignore him and see what he does. Well guess what, there is a girl out there paying attention to your guy who is winning his heart cause she has the balls to tell him what it is she wants in a man…

  105. Sassy
    June 30, 2016

    omg, I so relate to all of this just like it seems many other women do also. (power in numbers) I feel like I just went on a spiritual journey and realized that I need to snap back to reality and find a mind that wants to pursue ME.

    I am worthy, I am great, I am worth pursuing.

  106. Bea
    July 1, 2016

    Thanks SO much to all the men who have voiced their thoughts here. You are all appreciated! It is important to me to know what you guys are thinking and wanting too. It makes it so much easier for the few of us who really want a good relationship to know what to do.

  107. Daniel
    July 6, 2016

    ROB: Well said. In today’s dating game women are not approachable, you can’t even buy a girl a drink to break the ice. I will be honest I am not gonna chase a girl that wants to play games. Also if a person can’t work out if a person us stringing them along then more fool them and that goes both ways. Trouble is everyone thinks there is something better out there that’s not to say you are to settle but no one likes and what they have, instead they look at what they don’t have. What is today’s women after?

  108. noss
    July 7, 2016

    Wow. Im literaly in tears. Thank u sooo much. U are God sent

  109. Abbsy
    July 8, 2016

    Most of the time, the guy enjoys you chasing him. After the situation with you chasing a guy passes, you will look back upon it and wonder why you did that… the answer is because he showed some interest – to keep you interested.
    Maybe for a short period of time he was making your stomach do somersaults, but then become distant or busier than usual, then the second you begin getting fed up and attempt to forget about him – HE SHOWS INTEREST AGAIN. It is like an infinite loop and it really is difficult to escape because they are manipulating you. It’s a stupid mind game.
    They enjoy being chased, it is an ego boost and can potentially make them seem more desirable to others, which in turn just boosts their ego even more.
    It is very difficult to walk away, you don’t want to leave – maybe you love them – and you feel like they are THE ONE and you MUST capture them. Chasing them does not under any circumstances capture them.
    Ladies put yourself in a man’s position, a guy you don’t really have interest in and find pretty annoying (because he is constantly trying to gain your attention), is chasing you. You’re left feeling like you can do better and they can’t be “ALL” that if they are chasing someone like you.
    Humanity tends to be more interested in things they can’t obtain, rather than the things they can easily obtain, which in this situation is the male/female.
    However, though it is ineffective to “chase”, you can still act how the man usually acts if you wish to spawn some interest in you (some partially because they’re not going to be suddenly head over heels in love with you, YET).
    The term people usually go by is “playing hard to get”, you like the man but you act uninterested SOMETIMES.
    Females usually tend to dislike this idea and resort to “chasing” because they think that if they “play hard to get” the male will get tired or think they are not worth it or are not interested.

    Do not be put off by that idea, experimenting is key.

    Say you are to act vaguely uninterested, it could go both ways. It’s a success and you get the man, or you don’t. When all else fails, show more interest so they are aware you like them but are not going to chase them. Going back to what I said earlier, people desire things that are a struggle to gain. To make him feel more of a man he is going to want you to be more interested, and will thus do the chasing – in hope that you will reciprocate which will boost his ego because again, he feels desired.
    Don’t fall down the trap of not making it clear how you feel eventually, people get tired and they move on when they aren’t getting what they want.

  110. July 17, 2016

    Very descriptive blog, I enjoyed that bit. Will there
    be a part 2?

  111. July 17, 2016

    Yes this is so true in so many way I found out the hard way to, and beginning to start this new journey after much disappointment and regrets now taking my own time and sliding the to come after me Thank you so for reminding me of my worth in life God Bless you.

  112. July 17, 2016

    This has been a eye opening today for me take care.

  113. Ingrid Rodriguez
    July 18, 2016

    I was just needing to heard that in fact I am chasing this men. I comes and then disappear and then co.especially backs and knows I will listen and started to txt or call him but this last time I am done. He never call. Now all the sudden he call around 2 am. He called me a couples of to.experience we talked and now he doesn’t answer and I started to the same thing again. I am glad that your article put me back where I belong to.

  114. Sarah
    August 15, 2016

    Thank you so much for your onsights ! Actually I do like a man and I am wondering should I take the first step to make the relationship grow closer…hahaha…Yeap, you are right ! The man should take the lead in the relationship. That will be a long term relationship. I thank God for your advice.

  115. Eric
    August 16, 2016

    Hey mandi I totally agree with what you said about us men being hunters and gathers but your wrong this is the truth from history. hunter-gatherer is a human living in a society in which most or all food is obtained by foraging (collecting wild plants and pursuing wild animals), in contrast to agricultural societies, which rely mainly on domesticated species you said us men are hunters and gathers and persue women when in fact the truth is used men persue our dreams and hope to make a decent living and make our ancestors proud thank you for your time

  116. pia
    September 4, 2016

    Thnk u many. ..tht was really helpful

  117. September 5, 2016

    Great article!

    I do believe that initially a man should indeed pursue a woman. I personally would like to know that a man is interested in me before we develop a friendship/relationship. Once we begin spending time together getting to know one another, I think the “chase” should become equal in a sense. I think men also want to know that the woman he is pursuing is just as interested as he is. So that he is not wasting his time either. So yes once I am “in relationship” with a man I think that we should text each other, call one another, make time for one another, etc… No relationship should ever be one sided. That’s just my true opinion. When a man acts as if he does not have time for me, I’ve learned over the years to move on and let it go. At one point I worked 2 jobs and while attending College, I still had time for my man at the time. When you care about someone you make time for that person and you want to be a part of their world!

    • Yen
      November 1, 2016

      This is true.

    • Yen
      November 1, 2016

      True

  118. Tom
    September 18, 2016

    It would be very nice for a change to have a very nice woman approach us since many of us Good men do get rejected when we approach them.

  119. marth
    September 19, 2016

    Amazing! Love this post. Notice only men disagree because they want women to boost their egos. Lol

  120. Jo
    September 26, 2016

    I totally agree with the 5 points, and thanks a lot for that, but please allow me to say that Scarlett O’Hara never sat down sniffing smelling salts waiting for a guy to rescue her. I actually wish i wasw more like her, I really could use a bit of her I-don-t-give-a-shit-ness,

  121. Wolfgang
    September 28, 2016

    I’m a guy and I can say that anyone who wants someone bad enough will work for it but #3, well, when we do run towards women, they turn away. For instance, I shop at an ALDI supermarket and I noticed the manager of the store began dropping hints at me that was undoubtedly interest. She did the same thing the following week. I didn’t want to come off as desperate so the following week I decided to make a move. I passed her up while she was stocking items. I said , ” Hi. How are you?” All I got from her was a dirty look and she turned her back to me without saying a word and went back to what she was doing. So I just walked away and went straight to checkout. I shopped their again the following week and when she saw me she went into the office and didn’t come out the whole time. I likely won’t go back there again. I interpret her response when I spoke to her as good as saying, ” Now that I have you attention, f___ you. I have nothing to say to you.” It was too bad because she was exactly my type but her attitude sucks. And I didn’t chase her immediately and treat her as if she would be easy out of respect for her not to be viewed as slurry and she showed me no respect in return. Am I supposed to pursue her and look at her as having value to me? No one’s loss but hers.

  122. September 30, 2016

    Disagree. I chased my current husband for a while. He was interested in playing the field at the time, I felt there was a connection worth pursuing. One day he said he realized no other girl would ever love him as much, and we have been together for 15 years. It all depends… I have been chased in the past, and it turned me off as much as we say it would put a guy off to be chased. I think we should just go with our guy more, and not put so much thought into it. Chats meant to be will be.

    • September 30, 2016

      *go with our gut more
      *whats meant to be will be

    • Wolfgang
      October 3, 2016

      I wish all women would think the way you do

  123. Ouaiba
    October 2, 2016

    I really enjoyed reading your articles. We definitely don’t need to waste time and energy on chasing. I have been there and I won’t do it again. Never!!!

    • Crystal knight
      October 27, 2016

      Omg!!! This so true!!!! I’m doing this now,but after reading this article no more!!!

  124. […] Women, realize that this is your golden period, it will never come back so why waste it running after a man who’s not even going to be a permanent member of your life in the future? Besides, you’re so young and free, why cage yourself in relationships when you have time to focus on your careers? Try avoiding them for now and make the better of yourself. […]

  125. Teri
    November 8, 2016

    Men will do anything to avoid feeling vulnerable. And if we chase them, they can relax. So, even if they like you lots, chasing isn’t a good idea….They will take the upper hand and keep it so you never feel at ease and you give away more than is healthy.

  126. November 17, 2016

    I am 43 years old. My fiancé broke up with me two years ago. Now we have been dating for two years . Although , as time goes by. He gets distant and ignored my text messages and does not call. Now he’s stating that “he just needs to be alone”. We have been back and forth numerous times . When we first met he chased me . Then after 3 months I fell for him . He proposed to me . Then as I was falling in love , he ran the other direction. I don’t want to chase anymore. Him needing alone time ? Is that his cowardly way of breaking up or he is seeing someone else ? I know with him , when he moved out of my house when he broke off engaging , he asked how come I did not pursue him. ???? I don’t get it . If u pursue , they run away. If u dont and show them that u might have someone else. They come running

  127. Daniel
    December 9, 2016

    Generalizations . . . I really don’t like them. For men or for women.

    I will first start off by saying that interpretation is a difficult part of individually. The word “chase” may mean something to person A and another to person B. Does chase mean being the first to speak in a conversation? Telling the person how you feel first? Outright stalking this person? Just as many other words in this article will be interpreted differently by different people, this whole article could mean something to person A and something else to person B. I’m saying with the understanding that the following is only my response based on my interpretation of this article. Again, terminology I may use will be used based upon what I interpret them to mean, so I apologize in advance for this inhibition of communication.
    That being said: Mandy Hale, whether or not I agree with this article was not your purpose in writing it was it? I think your purpose was to reach the women who have fallen victim to some kind of hardship by a specific method of courtship. And with that in mind, I applaud you with the response that this article has received by many women experiencing this hardship. You have uplifted and empowered many women facing this dilemma.
    And here is my response to this article:
    Im glad I read this article and especially the comments that followed. It gave me a different perspective other than my own and made me remember just how different people can be from what is generalized. That being said, as I was reading this article, I was honestly upset by it at first. I have never pursued a woman before and have had both good and not so good relationships in the past. As some men have commented, I thought that this article gave women the excuse to “play hard to get” in a sense, which I do agree that some men prefer that type of flirtationship. However, I had felt that it did not leave room for people on the other end of the spectrum, like myself. I am a guy who really enjoys feeling wanted by a woman and really appreciate the efforts made by a woman who muster the courage to express interest in men. Just as there are women who do appreciate tose same efforts by men. But I’m guilty of something that other men are as well, and that’s just not understanding when hints are dropped or interest is expressed. Granted, each woman is different and will probably drop hints in her own way. But I know from experience, and the experience of other men similar myself, that we do not have the self esteem to pick up on hints. We experience a woman who talks to us and really seems to genuinely enjoy our company, but then our poor self esteem says to us that she is just being friendly and that she is probably just a friendly person and we are not special to her. It is then that we are afraid to make a move to save us from rejection, awkwardnes, or even losing a good friend. (And let me say this that some men do not handle rejection better than others. Some of my good friends are so afraid of being rejected or rejected again that they have given up entirely on a life with a significant other, which is heartbreaking. Rejection can be just as difficult and hurtful for us men please don’t forget that.). Because of this uncertainty, we either give up on the thought of being more than friends or we wait for more proof that this woman is actually interested in us as a partner. Thus, there is the mess of a guy just waiting for more and a woman who sees disintrest on his part.

    This is just one scenario that I have repeatedly seen play out between two people. Granted, in this scenario, the guy didnt do anything nor did he have any courage to advance the relationship like the woman did. Which is why I want to stress the point that the roles of this scenario could easily be switched between the two. Just as in the article, the roles can be just as easily switched.
    I do not have the experience nor the knowledge to either confirm or deny the “innate hunter” complex, but I think that it’s safe to assume that it could be very present in some men and hardly present at all in others.

    The core message of what I want to say is that I believe that each scenario should be treated uniquely. Just as every man and ever woman are unique, so will the dynamic between them be unique. I do agree that with Mandy Hale’s experience, she holds a valid view that some women do need to stop chasing men. I just want it stressed that every situation cannot be treated like that exactly, and I understand that Mandy was probably not trying to say that all situations should be. I just feel like it was missed in the article.
    Again, as far as the actual purpose of the article goes, Mandy has done an excellent job of explaining why some women need to stop excessively chasing men. As a man myself, I do see why some men and other people would disagree and be upset by it. But as the person I am as an individual, I know that whether or not I agree with the specifics of the article is truly not more important than the positive impact it has made to the women in need of its message. And to those women who have been positively impacted by this article, while I honestly hope that my words have reached you in some way, I hope that things will get better for you whether or not my words have made any impact at all.

    Thank you for taking the time to read my reflection on this article. I am open to comments and replies, as this is ultimately a conversation, not an argument.

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