When a Man (Doesn’t) Love a Woman

CrystalClearHow do I know if he really loves me and wants to be with me?

This is by far the question I get most from my readers. It makes me sad that so many wonderfully deserving and quality women out there are in situations or relationships where they even feel they have to ask this question. And still, I hear it all the time. From readers, from friends, across social media, and Lord knows I’ve heard the same cry from my own heart at least a dozen times: “How do I know if he really loves me and wants to be with me?”

The truth is…I can’t tell you some magical formula for how to figure out if he really loves you and wants to be with you. I can’t tell you this because I have yet to find my forever person who I hope will definitively answer this question for me once and for all…and then you guys will be the first people I tell. But through my own experiences and through helping many a friend navigate through many a heartache…I think I HAVE come up with a pretty clear formula about how to tell if he doesn’t really love you and want to be with you. Which might sound harsh until I remind you that a man who doesn’t really love you and doesn’t really want to be with you is also a man who doesn’t deserve you.

So here goes.

A man who doesn’t really love you and doesn’t really want to be with you will constantly leave you questioning everything about the relationship. There will be no certainty, no solid ground. Everything will be fraught with hesitation and doubt and anxiety. He will purposely leave you idling in the gray area as long as you are content to stay there so he feels safe in the knowledge that he always has a “standby” if and when the need arises. You will constantly be walking on quicksand or eggshells. You will constantly struggle to find your footing. He will give a little then take away a lot. You will never feel safe in the relationship. The moment you even start to feel safe, he’ll jerk the rug out from under you just to remind you that he, not you, is in control of the relationship.

A man who doesn’t love you and doesn’t really want to be with you will drift in and out of your life on his own accord and his own timetable. He’ll even leave you feeling as though him doing this is a huge favor to you. He will subtly let you know that spending time with you is not a privilege but an inconvenience to him…so you should savor every precious moment he allots to you because you weren’t worthy of it in the first place. (He’ll do this so subtly, in fact, that it will almost seem charming.) Here’s the thing, though: a man who doesn’t really love you and doesn’t really want to be with you will never, ever REALLY inconvenience himself for you. He will never meet you halfway. You will be left to do all the work, all the heavy lifting, all the effort. And you keep doing it because you know if you don’t, you’ll never get to see him.

A man who doesn’t really love you and doesn’t really want to be with you will never ask you how your day was. Nope…small gestures of thoughtfulness like that aren’t even on his radar. The truth is, he doesn’t ask you how your day was because he doesn’t really care to hear the answer.

A man who doesn’t really love you and doesn’t really want to be with you will dodge. He will never give a straight answer. He will act shady. He will disappear for long intervals of time. He’s always “crazy busy.” He won’t respond to texts in a timely fashion or at all. His battery constantly “dies” or he is perpetually “out of service.” He will be largely unavailable to you…always emotionally and often literally. He will lie. He will cancel plans at the last minute. He will leave you waiting for hours. You are more likely hear from him at 2:00am than 2:00pm. He won’t introduce you to his friends. You won’t see any sign of yourself on his social media pages. He will act single regardless of what his Facebook status says.

And after a certain amount of time of all of the above and of slowly having your dignity, confidence, and self-esteem chipped away a little at a time…a man who doesn’t really love you and doesn’t really want to be with you will leave you questioning everything about yourself. Why aren’t you enough for him? Why are his friends more important than you? His work more important than you? Why did you dare speak up and tell him that he hurt your feelings? That’s probably why you haven’t heard from him in weeks. What is he doing behind your back? What is he doing when he vanishes from your life? Why are you not worthy of his time, love, and attention? What can you do better, to make him love you more? Are you too fat? Too old? Too ugly? Too insecure? Too needy? Too independent? Too MUCH?

(The answer to that final question, by the way, is YES. You are too much. Too much woman for too little man.)

But finally…I should say that all these signs and all this evidence really means nothing, because you answered your question when you asked it.

“How do I know if he really loves me and really wants to be with me?”

You know because you will never have to ask that question of a man who does.

Have you experienced a relationship with a man like this? Were you able to break free? Would you add anything to this list? Comment below with your thoughts. And make sure you pre-order my new book Beautiful Uncertainty, out February 2, 2016!

119 Responses to “ When a Man (Doesn’t) Love a Woman ”

  1. Jo
    December 7, 2015

    Yep, I was in that situation before… It was the longest year for me. I was lucky enough to get out of it.

    • qalisha
      December 7, 2015

      Dearie Jo.. we r in the same shoe..n seriously..u make ur heart n ur soul feel so pain n pain n da cut is deeper..damn.. i am 9 years ths year for my relationship wif african man.OMG!!ALMIGHTY WILL PUNISH PPL LIKE THEM!OMG!!by the way..Jo..i am very serious to leave him frm now..n i dont gif pocket money to him lke bfre.when am serious n walk away he begged me..say sori..he evr promise not to leave me 4ever.x even 2 days he saying tht..omg!!he bck to normal.he feel so irritating when he look at u. How u can manage to get rid of tha relationship..pls help me.

    • Rena
      August 10, 2016

      The man that was trying to start a relationships with me told me he loved me instantly.. I knew it was a lie…so I never said it back. I always said OK or that nice or sweet. Well after a couple of months dating he say he lost his job , when in act he had lost his job before he met me.,he lied about it .well, he being complaining about his rent etc. Late..he starting back communicating with all his old girl friends. When asked why he said they dont mind giving a helping has to pay rent etc..then a month later he moves a woman in saying she has no place to go and she’s a woman who had a case pending against him and he’s trying to get close to her so she will drop the charges. After that he move another woman in shr paid his rent and light. Now he won’t stop texting me, I despise him now, when I tell him about himself or go off on him about calling me or text me all he can say is “” WOW IM SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY. I TRULY LOVE YOU …I KNEW THAT TGE FIRST TIME WE SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER.. O NEVER SLEPT ON TGE SAME BED FOR 3 Days WITH A WOMAN AND DIDnt have sex with her. “”I CANT STAND THIS MAN….WHY DO I FEEL LIKE HE PLAYING WUTH MY INTELLIGENCE BY STILL THINKING ITS OK TO CONTACT ME. I would rather be ALONE AND HAPPY, THAN HITCHED AND MISERABLE…. NOW I HAVE FEW WORRIES.,,…I NEVER HAVE TO WONDER, WHO HE WITH, WHERE HE IS, WHY IS HE NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.. WHY HE LATE OR WHY DIDN’T HE SHOW UP AT ALL., ETC.

    • Jolina
      September 26, 2016

      I would really like to get someone point of view on this so badly my boyfriend told me that he is only me a favour by not cheating on me like wtf does that mean that just sounds shady……………..

    • Dawn
      October 2, 2016

      My past two relationships were like that. Never hear from them unless they wanted something, usually my money. When I quit doing that they quit calling. At least this time I can see the red flags and walk away. It doesn’t change the fact that someone thinks so little of you, they treat you like dirt. I am better than that, but it took a lot of heartbreak and pain to finally figure it out.

    • October 2, 2016

      My last two relationships were like that. At least the second time I recognized the behaviors and was able to step away. It still doesn’t change the hurt it leaves on me emotionally.

    • D
      October 13, 2016

      my brother always told me a man that loves you who is in love with you can not go past two days without talking to you in some type of way up to 2 weeks if they care about you and if you do not hear from them within two weeks time and it’s later than that they do not love you and they don’t care about you either also I have to say I’ve had relationships like this on both sides of the fence with men one side when I leave them alone they call me non-stop text me when I blocked them they’re calling from other phones on the other side they make all the promises that they love me and we could get married and all that stuff but come on girls you guys are not stupid if you’re asking these questions you know the guy is no good and my mom always told me when you give Your Allegiance over to him and then they lose interest because the sophistication or whatever it is they liked you from the beginning is what you must keep keep your goals at the same place you were doing them all before you met and you keep them and whether it’s working out College work whatever when you lay back and get lazy on that they lose interest no matter what they tell you they will lose interest keep your own Allegiance and stay focused on the Lord Exodus 20 the Ten Commandments because the Bible talks about how God will take away from you anything that you think of more than him so focus on the Lord and He will give you either that’s a man or the right man for you in Jesus name God bless everyone for the holidays and never think about killing yourself or eating yourself to death to get fat behind a man get to the gym and get out of it get in shape and he’ll be kissing your butt Trust and you can dump him because it’s not worth it love you all God bless

    • Anne
      December 28, 2016

      My guy is a kdf officer, seems to love me but has no time to even say hi to me. If I text him, he crazily gets annoyed and warns me that he doesn’t like so many texts. If I won’t avoid all those texts he will walk away and leave me. He comes to my house whenever he gets an off at night and leaves the following day. Kindly does he love me? Please help me know

    • February 12, 2017

      I have been in a relationship for one yr and half. MY BOYFRIEND W CONSTANTLY Break up w me n 2 weeks after ask me to take him back no explanations asked i w jump and take him back. He played m dirty w his x. Had a friend on facebook n met her shes married. He met her in a spanish club n slowed danced w her. Every three mths he breaks up w me.he bought me flowers for valentines day yesterday tbem he started friend requesting the lady he met at the club after me n him been getting along for 3 mths .he broke up w me for the tenth time. Today i took the flowers and told him what i thought of him n broke the flowers n threw tbem in t trash. I told him im done!!

    • Jessica
      March 24, 2017

      I’m in that situation right now. I’ve tried breaking away and
      but I don’t. The sad part of it is he doesn’t contact me first,
      I’m always the one that texts and calls first. The sad part of
      It is he doesn’t even answer and I continue to text for days
      until he answers. When we do meet up its only for sex and after
      he rushes out the door. I keep hoping he’ll change and start to have
      feelings for me. It’s true you start to loose your self respect, dignity
      and start to feel that you’re not good enough. I need to let go and move
      on but it’s so hard to do. I can’t allow him to use me anymore. I don’t
      know If I’ll ever get over him. How do I move on from someone that
      I love so much and care about.

    • ERICA
      April 4, 2017

      Same relationship as mine. We have a 4 yr old together. I am Finally accepting n letting go. Now he wont leave me alone

  2. Erika
    December 7, 2015

    Yes..OMG…JUST GOT OUT OF IT ..TWO MONTHS AGO….HE LEFT ME THANK YOU JESUS…I DID EVERYTHING FOR HIM..BUT HE USED ME…..BUT HE IS REGRETTING IT

    • Deb
      December 22, 2015

      Yes. Yes. Yes. Best thing you can do is ride the wave of pain, hurt and rejection to the shore… release the need to show him how wrong he is. Respond with love and dignity and your head held high. . No regrets. No loss. The world is full of wonderful people who would cherish you and relish time spent with you. It hurts like nothing else but walk away xx

    • refilwe Jaffta
      June 16, 2016

      i gave him everything he wanted “money” i mean everything now he is no longer around no text no nothing when he meets with me he wants money!

    • Yaseen
      February 12, 2017

      How do you know that he was regretting it?

  3. Tam
    December 7, 2015

    +All of his promises will be in the future. A way to keep you hanging on and buy himself more of your time to waste.

    • angie
      January 8, 2016

      They always have a backup plan; If they were “standup guys”, they wouldn’t need to keep the “past/last female” on the hook, or constantly fishing for the next one. These are insecure “boys” and I hopefully not offend anyone, but also described “momma’s boys”. They may be very attractive in appearance, may even be well endowed; but somehow their mom screwed them up! Run the other direction!!!!! They are only going thru the motions and what is expected of their peers, and family pairing. And because these “boys” have zero backbone, they have NO BALLS to stand up for what THEY truly believe in and drag so many others down with them! I have experienced a few of these issues, in my lifetime… at this writing, I have never married, nor had children… so you can read as many books on this subject that makes you feel better, but the bottom line
      is… you NEVER know!!! Its all about timing and chemistry, and destiny!! Good luck and love and wish you the best! maybe I should start my own blog!!

    • Cyril Frannie
      January 21, 2016

      You got it..

    • Carmen
      October 4, 2016

      That’s so true….

  4. Trina
    December 7, 2015

    This isn’t just among single guys…the married ones can leave you wondering if he really loves you too. I finally figured out he didn’t after we started our divorce process.

    • Christina g
      January 2, 2017

      So true trina im currently married to one puts his mom on a pedelstal and justifies her abuse and im just his wife 4 yrs ago i was a strong free spirit now i live a life of lonliness even sitting next to him. I told him he could atleast act like he loves me and he said… and you love me? A usual response i get he is such a cold hearted jerk. I dont even know who iam anymore

  5. Mona
    December 7, 2015

    I am happily FREE!! While I was with him, he would find ways to blame me… for anything and everything, to make me feel inadequate.

  6. Richman
    December 7, 2015

    Sometimes women should try to understand the meaning of Love,Like and Lust before they fall for a guy.Its not about love all the time,guys use the four letter word to get what they want at that time.Some women choose the wrong guy because of his looks and status,I think is about time women wake up and smell the coffee rather than being victims of love

  7. Yvonda
    December 7, 2015

    You could have been speaking directly to me.. Why do they let you keep choosing them if they don’t really want you? I have a good man who does want me and I can’t let go of thre one who doesn’t seem to.

    • November 29, 2016

      I no right

  8. Sheila
    December 7, 2015

    You pretty much hit the nail square on the head!
    A man that doesn’t love you will not support you in your personal goals and desires for your life. Rather, he will tell you what a waste of time they are and put you down for wanting to achieve more, to be more…all with the hope of making you second guess yourself and your heart. He may even go as far as accusing you of trying to catch the eye of another man. He will say that by spending time on yourself takes time and attention away from him. (Never mind that he is rarely around anyway)

    A man who doesn’t truly love you will rarely honor you and make you feel special. The only time he will seem genuinely concerned about you is when he discovers that you have finally figured him out and are ready to sever the ties.

  9. Julia
    December 7, 2015

    This is an 100% accurate description of the person who shattered my mental health to pieces during 4 years. Not to mention that he also physically abused me, but still desperately manipulated me to stay for some strange reason I could never understand. As it became worse I eventually had enough and I found a strength in me I would never have imagined that I had. I left him, but he tried to pull me back into the relationship once. I respectfully, but strongly said no, standing firmly about my decision. He left me alone, because maybe he realised that I will not let him hurt me anymore, and a girl who can’t be manipulated isn’t interesting to him. I’ve been single for a little bit less than a year now and I would never regret that decision.

  10. M
    December 7, 2015

    Most sounds all too familiar. The difference here was that I never questioned love. I knew it didn’t exist. Its a tough pill to swallow in the end when you realize it all. You kinda new before, but you ignore because something, anything was always better than nothing. That is until you realize you spend more time dealing with hurt feelings than you experience joy in their company. It’s quite the mess and you want nothing more than to be able to snap those fingers to take you back to where you were pre-them. But you can’t. And it’s hard. Unbearable at times. You’re angry with yourself because you allowed yourself to get sucked in time and again, and now you’re this pathetic mess that you can’t even stand sometimes. And all for what? Scraps of time and attention that were thrown at you like a starved dog at the pound. Yes, if you’re gonna hurt in the end either way, might as well have fun getting there, is what they say and what I did…I just think, I should’ve made a u-turn when I had the chance. No, my heart never would’ve opened up the way it did allowing me to feel somewhat whole again, but it wouldn’t be in the condition that it’s in now either.

    • Kari
      December 7, 2015

      I hear you “M”. I’d rather be alone and open that space for someone else. Block the email, phone, Facebook, anything that keeps them away. It brings a peace of mind.

    • Antoinette
      December 7, 2015

      That’s real talk. I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have. I’d end it, only for him to come back and we’d try again. But it was always gray, never clear. Ultimately had to let him go cause I finally had to accept that somewhere along the line, I’d become an option, and sidechick. After wasting years, gonna step back and be alone to let my heart heal.

    • Miami Rome
      December 8, 2015

      Wow you have me in tears. I was so young when I fell in love with him and he never loved me and I knew it. Two kids later and he still wouldn’t marry me. I always made an excuse but I knew deep in my heart he never loved me. It’s been 23 years, we’ve been apart 15 and tried again. I walked into the same trap and the strong women i became during those 15 years came crumbling down. We are over for good now but I will never me the same.

    • DH
      January 5, 2016

      Wow M. That was ironically beautifully stated. Thank you for putting into words what I have been struggling to do for quite some time. The worst is when you have given that ass wipe fifteen years and have an 18mnth old with him. It’s one thing to treat me that way which for some daddy/self-confidence issues I put up with it for so long. But when it comes to my beautiful child it makes it a whole new ball game. I want her to grow up knowing a Mom that loves and stands up for herself. I didn’t have that and repeated the pattern. It’s like when you think you have beaten the statistic and not turned into your parents but then you realize that you have become exactly them. I’ve started the long journey of falling back in love with myself. I’m scared shitless and that is ok to feel that way. It’s very freeing when you’re honest with yourself.

    • S.N
      March 6, 2017

      M this is exactly what am dealing with,u know deep down he doesn’t love you,u see all the red flags and yet u ignore and keep hoping that maybe he will change,maybe he will finally see the woman you are and what u do for him,maybe he will stop throwing at u scraps of time and actually spend time with u,but sadly the signs are clear and u know deep down,but ur love him so much and so desperately that u hope the love u have for him will rub off on him. am still trying to leave but have sadly still too weak to do so,tried it twice but he sucked mi back and like the weak willed creature l have become and come to loath,l fell for it,l only hope l will get the strength to eventually leave once and for all.

  11. Kristin
    December 7, 2015

    Thank you for this!!! I needed to hear this today! On thanksgiving I ended what I thought was a good relationship and looking back…. You just described him! Thank you for answering all of the questions I had swimming around my head for the last few weeks! Time to rebuild ME and move on to what I deserve!!!

    • Kessian
      July 20, 2016

      I am in this relationship for almost a year. I trying to move out of it cause I realise he have his main chick for about 11 years,they are not married. When I do see them together it hurts and he telling me don’t be jealous cause I know what time it is.i try to move on but he continues calling me.how do I finally forget him?

  12. Angie
    December 7, 2015

    I read this and it was a reminder of what I experienced for two years before my heart was shattered BUT more importantly, it reminded me that I DON”T have to settle. You see he still checks in – my birthday, while I was on vacation overseas, and most recently at Thanksgiving. There was a part of me that thought hmmm maybe he does miss me and maybe there’s a chance but reading this today reiterated to me that I don’t want to go back down this road again of constantly wondering and worrying what is wrong with me that he can’t commit. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us and for being real – you always seem to know what to say right when it gets hard. I’ve pre-ordered the new book and am anxiously awaiting it’s arrival.

  13. Jeff Walker
    December 7, 2015

    Thsi is so biased! The same applies to women. I agree with it but it’s not a male only deal.

    • Mandy Hale
      December 7, 2015

      Jeff, the site is called “The Single Woman.” I am a woman. Of course it’s biased. Geez…lol! OBVIOUSLY it’s not a male only thing, but if you want to speak for the males, may I suggest you start a blog? 🙂

    • Sabrina
      December 12, 2015

      Attention!..Jeff Walker..what does the title of this conversation say..this conversation is pacificly for women not for you men!..we’re not bias it’s the truth!..and you know it!..why are you even on or in this conversation huh!..you just had too come see what us women are saying about you men..do yourself and us a favor, and shut the hell up!..this is grown folks business women’s business..bye little boy..now c your way out of the conversation! If you were smart you would read in silence and hopefully learn something!..

  14. Kari
    December 7, 2015

    I have never been so happy to finally say “I am done!” No one is worth the mental and emotional agony they can put you through. Keep it moving, you idiot…

  15. Rose
    December 7, 2015

    Thank you Mandy, for exactly writing everything I feel about the relation ship I had been through. Honestly it was such an emotionally tiring and torturing one for me. The toughest years ever happened in my life. Sometimes I still wonder how could someone who loved you left you shattered, broken, anxious and full of doubt like that all the time. I have read too much, questioned a lot and cried endlessly for so many days and nights but now I found the answers. Now I know it was because he never really loved me, cared for me or even wanted me. Nobody ever made me feel like I was so bad in my life but him. He let me questioning everything and anything. It’s just too much painful Mandy. But I’m learning to be strong now. I’ll be single as long as it takes for a real man who is heavenly deserve me to finally find me, I think it’s worth to do. I feel sorry for him for losing someone who truly loved him like me. God bless you Mandy.

  16. Renee'
    December 7, 2015

    I met him 17 years ago. We dated for four years. I thought we were madly and petrctly in love. I had never believed anything more than that truth. We got engaged after 3 1/2 years of dating and were engaged 6 months. During that 6 months, I suspected him cheating 3 times. Two of those times were affirmed when he was caught unable to lie his way out of it and years later, I would find out that the 3rd suspected incident was also true. I tried calling off the wedding but he knew I wouldn’t. I loved him too much. We got married, bought a perfect little house, and had a son within less than a year and a half. When my son was 4 weeks old, and I was still a ginormous whale from just having had our child, I found out the third suspected incident of him cheating during our engagement was devastatingly true. He had been sleeping with my cousin for 5 years. We decided to work it out…again because he knew I wouldn’t leave. I knew him better than his actions so I thought. I knew what was really in his heart regardless the stupid things he did. I always believed he was better than he really was. It was the worst narc/codependent relationship I’ve ever seen. He took everything and I gave everything I could give and it was never never never enough. After another child, and about 6 more years of marriage, I wasn’t enough to feed his narcissistic need. He made it clear he did want me and that being a father and husband and sacrificing his desires for anyone was not something he was willing to do. I left. But I didn’t want to. I wanted him to fight for me. He soon fell in love with his freedom and kept me in that grey area for about 3 years post-divorce. Then he came back. My dreams had finally come true. He was moving back in at the end of the month. Our kids were so excited. I was so excited. I thought he was too and the very next day he needed more time. And a week later he’s in love with some random girl 13 years younger than himself and it’s all my fault for only “seeing the worst” in him. They’ve been together for almost a year and a half now. I’ve had one relationship that lasted a couple months. Another narc. And now I’m scared to death of love. I’m scared to feel. I’m scared to look outside my little world of work and kids most of the time. At least it’s safe here. Prayers to any who have had to go through this hurt.

  17. Leslie
    December 7, 2015

    I actually am in this kind of relationship right now. I hear all these questions in my head all the time. And reading this article and the comments simehow gives me the courage to finally face this once and for all. Thank you so much and goodnluck to me. I can do this. I am going to do this.

  18. Chéri
    December 7, 2015

    Ugh this is exactly what I’m dealing with right now and I can’t seem to break free…

    • November 17, 2016

      I’m going thru Same thing also. My ex fiancé comes and goes periodically . Basically to be with other women . Than he gets bored with them after 3 months than comes back to me . I know I am the only one hurting and devastated. He does not love me. I can’t believe that a man that asked me to marry him in past , wants to resort to friends with benefits. When he knows I am still in love with him . He now says he “needs alone time”. I’m scared to lose him and I am disgusted with myself that I still have feelings for him when he never respects me

  19. Kimberly
    December 7, 2015

    I was with someone for 7 years total. 4 years dating and 3 years married. Throughout the whole duration of this time I would constantly ask myself this question. Does he really love me? Because if he did why would he be putting me second to everything. I used to question myself all the time. I thought something was wrong with me the whole time. I felt worthless. I didn’t feel good enough. He would leave me periodically and his excuse was “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” To help me feel better with him being gone for a bit because it would just make it THAT much better when he’d come back. I felt alone. I didn’t feel loved. I felt abandoned. By the 3rd time he did this, I finally made the decision to leave the marriage. He would say he loves me but needed time away from me as if something was wrong with me. I became so self conscience. I went in to depression and the whole relationship was just so damaging on me. I learned that what he was giving me wasn’t love. He took advantage because he knew that whatever he did, he could get away with it because I LOVED HIM and because he didn’t think I would ever leave because he knew how much I loved him. I forgave him for all his faults and I stuck by his side through everything. I did everything in my power to be the best possible wife but at the end of the day he didn’t deserve any of it.

    • M
      December 8, 2015

      I read this somewhere but can’t recall where..it read: when we don’t listen when God is telling us it’s time to let go, he’ll allow them to hurt us till we do.
      Now I can’t only say from my experience that that seemed true. There were a number of times it was clear I should’ve walked. But I refused to and ended up where I am.

  20. Erin
    December 7, 2015

    I have been though this. Another thing to add is that they say they don’t want a relationship yet they act like you are in a relationship. They will not want to define what you are as a couple. They will not want you to get attached to them they say so they will do you the favor of seeing you when it is convenient for them. It hurts but you have to realize they are stopping you from finding the person that DOES deserve you. I am finally finding out what a good relationship is now and I feel more comfortable and cared about with someone I have dated for a week than the other one I dated over a year. Kind of crazy!

  21. December 7, 2015

    This article was written for me. In September, after more than 8 years, I broke up with my ex boyfriend due to all of these things. This article resonates for me because so much of what is written mirrors what I allowed to happen for far too long. It’s a slow, painful healing process, but I know finally ending the relationship and getting off the merry-go-round was the best thing for us both. I believe one day the broken pieces of my heart will heal and I will be much healthier for it.

  22. December 7, 2015

    Yes I did everything for him the 5months we were together felt there was someone else denied it
    Made me feel like no one else wanted me
    Acted tho any little favor was hard labor
    Always took never gave
    Lyed about everything
    Always borrowed money with out paying back
    Jealous over my kids
    Any little favor he wanted something big in return

  23. Elisa
    December 7, 2015

    It floors me how men can take control of our well being and make it seem that we are the ones that need to seek professional help after a relationship goes south. Not that there’s anything wrong with getting counseling, but they tend to put the blame on us. I just got out of a 9 month relationship and you would have thought things were perfect between us. I even thought it was going great! Road trips, sporting events, amusement parks, cooking for each other, Netflix on the couch… The list goes on and on about how beautiful it was to finally meet someone who I felt loved me. Then all of a sudden I get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I started to question him if I was enough for him. I was on a mission to find out if I was. Call me crazy, but I did what I had to do. I looked on his laptop and phone for answers. Obviously I have trust issues because of men like him. He looked at me straight in the eyes and stated he loved me. That we belonged together and we were meant for each other. 8 hours later, he is giving his number to Erica on an online dating site. I texted him that night about how my intuition was right and to never contact me again. Oh, and to let him know that Erica would not be calling him! Lol … I’m not a fool

  24. Natalia
    December 7, 2015

    He still shamelessly contacts me only when he needs to use me, the sort of help that is greatly inconvenient. Even after we have separated for half a year. Yet he still blames me for everything in the past, not appreciating the sacrifices that were made. He is emotionally abusive if he gets no for an answer.

    I am now going out with this great new guy who helped me to find myself and my confidence again. So I finally can stand my ground and say no every time the ex disturbs.

  25. V
    December 7, 2015

    I was married to one of these men for a long time. I now see the pattern, but could not see it while I was in it

  26. "K"
    December 7, 2015

    Mandy, I am a HUGE fan of all of your books, and your blog. I think maybe it’s because I see so much of myself in what you write. I have been stuck in a “relationship” like this for 3 years..I met him at church of all places, he was my daughter’s Sunday school teacher..he is a single dad, and I thanked God for meeting someone who was a great single parent and involved in our church…our relationship was reported to the church by my family because we had an intimate relationship, so at first I was glad that he even still spoke to me after what we went through…and that’s when it had to become discreet…we were both single and available, but had to hide it,and least for a while…well that has turned into 2 1/2 years of him coming and going, spending time then disappearing, and me sitting around wondering what I have done wrong..and also finding out that he is in his late forties and constitutes a good time as drinking heavily and smoking pot…iI don’t do that stuff, but I don’t speak up and tell him how I feel about it being done around me…definitely not the church going, God fearing man I thought I was fortunate to meet…our visits are usually late at night, always just at each others house, and then he doesnt respind to me for at least a few days after every visit…and i am the stupud one sitting around wondering what i can do to fix things between us…i have been on anxiety keds since meeting him, and feel sad all the time, except when he “thriws me a bone” and goves me a few hours of his time..I only hope to one day be as strong as the others that have replied, and realize that,as hard as it will be, I need to give him up for good….

  27. Cristina
    December 7, 2015

    Wow the timing of reading this was impeccable! I JUST finished writing in my journal that my next relationship will not be like my previous one where I stressed “there will be no grey, no confusion, no guessing, no trying to figure it out” yup! My exact words lol. Which assures me, yet again, that God is always listening 🙂

    A REAL man will make his intentions known, until then steer clear of the little boys.

    Well done as usual Mandy, thank you!

  28. Michelle
    December 8, 2015

    Seriously. I was in a marriage for 17 years like this!! Thank God I’m out of that mess. You should never let a guy define you. I lost myself. It’s been a process, but I have learned to value myself so much more than I did. I’m a walking testimony! Sometimes I really think I should write a book.

    • donna
      December 9, 2015

      Yes Michelle! Now that’s what I’m talking about! Define yourself. Especially if your mother and father don’t give you that firm foundation to build from, a relationship with GOD, through JESUS CHRIST is the best place to start rebuilding. Amen.

  29. Jmd
    December 8, 2015

    OMG! You have just described my Life to a “T”. Every word! But I now know what I have to do and that its NOT all my fault. Thank You for posting today of all day’s..

  30. Jackie
    December 8, 2015

    Some people with an insecure or disorganized attachment style, behave this way, whether they love you or not. The issue is them.

  31. Sherie
    December 8, 2015

    The last part is so true, if you have to ask then you have already answered the question. Thank you sis.

  32. Itene
    December 8, 2015

    I have had these questions on my mind over the last couple of weeks, not to mention that the r/ship was only 3 months old. Those questions were my ‘red flags’ and decided to ask him the questions I needed an answer to. He went quiet after 2 days. I have decided that that’s my answer and have blocked him out of my life… calls, texts, WhatsApp… A dishonest person is always dishonest and no need wasting our God-given precious time for 2nd chances

  33. December 8, 2015

    The last part is so true, if you have to ask, then you have already answered the question. Thank you sis and compliments of the season.

  34. JB
    December 8, 2015

    I wish I had read this years ago! I have come out of a 17 year relationship this year which seemed good in parts, but I settled for too little from him and I now know that he never really loved me even though he told me regularly that he did. He now has a new girlfriend and is doing exactly the same to her, poor thing. My lesson is to concentrate on really building my self esteem now, before I even think about meeting someone else. Thank you Mandy!

  35. Uche
    December 8, 2015

    Ive had this experience twice this year, the day I realised the 2nd man had been playing me, I felt relieved to know. The one I just met now is always assuring me of his love for me and how he cherishes me but I find it difficult to trust him with my heart. The hurt of past experiences are yet to heal. I hope to find true love. Thank you for this post.

  36. Denise
    December 8, 2015

    Thank you Mandy! I will keep this post as a reminder of why I never need to be with or return to a “man” that doesn’t care about me.

  37. Kim
    December 8, 2015

    The behavior that you describe fits my last boyfriend perfectly. Just when I have created enough space to heal, he comes back into my life with all his charm and statements of “love”, but I know it is not love, it is just his way of keeping me strung along as an option when and if he moves back to Oklahoma.

  38. Valerie G. Boyd
    December 8, 2015

    Wow!! Definitely true of a relationship God saved me from. So very thankful for God’s wisdom to get out and stay out but to know God healed my hurting heart. Blessings to you Sister Mandy!!

  39. Liz
    December 8, 2015

    I JUST ended a year long relationship with the exact man you’re talking about Mandy!! We barely saw each other (once or twice a week at most, usually weekends). I just told him that it wasn’t the right time for us and maybe later when he finished school and everything else he had going on (but me). It’s not what I wanted so I broke it off over the phone Friday night. We live 40 minutes apart and I wasn’t going to drive up to his house to talk to him. He was mad that I didn’t drive up to his house to talk to him and his true colors have come out this past weekend through crazy emails, including a hateful post on my facebook page! He’s 45 years old! Ugh – At least he made it easier by his actions. Thank you Mandy! I love your words!

  40. Kaia
    December 8, 2015

    I did go through a relationship where I questioned all the time whether he loved me. It turned out that he may have (at some level–perhaps as a friend), but that he did not want what I wanted–which was commitment. And by commitment, I don’t necessarily mean marriage, but commitment to each other–that we would be significant parts of each others’ lives and make each other a priority. I believe he cared for me, but not enough to stay in my life. He moved out of state over a year ago, and I have gradually become happier and happier since he left. I no longer stress about his actions, his words, whether he texted me , why he doesn’t want to spend more time with me, etc. It felt like a burden was lifted when he left, although it was sad and stressful to watch him go. Looking back, I realize that he wasn’t at the same point I was with being ready and open to a relationship. I’m not sure when or if he ever will be in the future…that is something for him to figure out. I sometimes wonder if we will reunite, because we did have a very strong connection between us. But at the same time, I’m ok with us never seeing each other again, if that were to happen. What I have realized is that I don’t need to stress anymore, and come what may, I will always have myself to give me the love and acceptance I need.

  41. Monica
    December 9, 2015

    Thank you. I rarely follow a blog so closely but you seem to have been in the same relationship as me. I just broke up with a man who after 2 years still had me in a “very special” friend zone. This is somebody who even lived with my sons and I for a while. We were always together and we planned the future but always “someday”. He claimed to love me but never wanted to commit. He’d use my home for food, laundry and then all of a sudden he’d be completely unavailable. He would “disappear” for hours. I finally accepted that he was cheating. But because he had never asked me to be his girlfriend, his rule was we should be allowed to date others. Only he meant him. Not me. I finally gave him the ultimatum. He agreed to be exclusive. AFTER 2 YEARS only to treat me like he did me a favor. Lifted me up and dropped me without warning. He’d dump me for anything and then somehow lure me back. I prayed for strength and a sign. I finally found a healthy supply of condoms in his drawer along with tacky jewelery that was not mine! I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d left a 17 year marriage that was exactly the same only to repeat the pattern with him. Last night I asked him to leave my apartment and never contact me again. I pray for strength. I want to be healthy again. I want my sanity back. I want to be strong. And I still want to be loved. I will pray for you all, please pray for me.

  42. Brigette
    December 9, 2015

    Wow, are we all dating the same guy??

  43. donna
    December 9, 2015

    Great article Mandy. And yes, “True Love is crystal clear”.
    Amen!

  44. liz
    December 9, 2015

    Had the worst break up ever this year! was 5 months ago and im still hurt . this guy was so bad for me but i dont know why i loved him so much and hoped he would someday change..he used me till there was nothing left and then broke up with me..told me i deserve better. After all he did me a favor by leaving me but it just hurt sooooo much. thanks to reading your blog and your book im a little better now.. i really hope i get over this soon and find some happiness within myself. love you Mandy!

  45. Laura B.
    December 10, 2015

    Oh, I know this feeling all to well…It has been my life for the past 30 years. Yes, I said, “30 years!” My nightmare began shortly after our honeymoon. The rollercoaster ride continued to the point that I lost myself in the process. Living is painful. I lost my hopes, my dreams, my dignity, my self-esteem, and my self-confidence. Today, we live a life of coexistence in which we behave as roommates. Frankly, I don’t care anymore. Daily, I struggle to get just a glimpse of the woman I use to be. I have put up so many walls that no one can get in. Yes, a serious case of “apathy” coldhearted does not even begin to describe me. I will never trust another man with my heart….again! Love don’t live here anymore. By the time I caught on to the game, it was 3 kids and 30 years later. I was so naïve. He told me that I was crazy. I guess I believed him. So here I am. My new title is the “unwanted wife.”

    • Leslie Ray
      October 25, 2016

      I feel like I know you…I have been married for 21 years.I dont think he has ever loved me.I have 3 kids, 18, 4 and now a 5 month old.The only affection he gave me resulted in pregnancy.I feel beaten down to nothing and cry all the time.I am too ashamed to tell anyone who knows me.I think if it werent for my kids I would have left along time ago.

  46. Michael M.
    December 11, 2015

    All right — I’m a man, and I used to date a woman I didn’t really love and didn’t really want to be with . We had fun sometimes, but I also knew she might be happier married to someone else . You asked “Why aren’t you enough for him ? Why are you not worthy of his time, love, and attention ?” . Maybe you’re just not a good match . In my case, this woman kept trying to make this relationship go in a direction it shouldn’t have gone . It isn’t much fun to keep discussing the question “Where is this relationship going ?”, but it’s necessary . I’m sorry any woman has to be hurt by a less — than — interested boyfriend . Instead of having one boyfriend and pinning all her hopes on him, a woman should have a collection of boyfriends and see which one pays her the most attention and treats her the best .

    • Carmen
      October 4, 2016

      You know, that’s pretty brilliant! Us women should stop repeating the same mistakes:
      1. Getting attached to quickly
      2. Believing words and ignoring actions (or inactions)
      3. Making marriage plans on day one
      4. Ignoring our intuition

      If we instead learn from our mistakes, rather than the same ones, we will not find ourselves in the same situations.

  47. Praline
    December 11, 2015

    +Laura B., Your scenario was exactly the same for me!1 Only it was 20 years, not 30. I’ve finally allowed myself to accept the truth and the marriage is over…for good this time.

  48. LT
    December 12, 2015

    The sad question I would like to pose is how did these men get to be this way? I know there are good men out there, but more often then not, they are just like this? Sad..

  49. Reagan
    December 17, 2015

    It’s amazing how we realize these things in hindsight, after we have ended these relationships. Often we arrive to a breaking point after we are emotionally drained (and in some cases these “men” emotionally DRAG us down). I recently ended communication with a guy. It actually drove me insane all the questions that I had in my head! When I addressed to him that it seemed he had no interest in me at all. I was given NO reassurance when he responded “haha.” Now I read these things and I’m realizing all the things he DIDN’T do.

  50. Linda
    December 17, 2015

    Bingo! Plus, a man who doesn’t really love you will always lie to you.

  51. Karensa
    December 17, 2015

    Way to blame the victim, Richman, Michael M., and Jeff Walker. Excellent job on passing the buck and putting the responsibility on WOMEN to figure out the insane web of lies that men create so they can get laid, rather than placing the responsibility where it belongs: on MEN. MEN need to wake up and smell the coffee and stop being selfish, immoral, lying, cheating, inconsiderate, time-wasting, double-life-living, opportunistic WORMS who view women as sexual objects to be duped and used. MEN have lost the basic humanity that required them to consider the time, feelings, efforts and physical integrity of other people, namely women. I have never seen so many men openly and callously refusing to take responsibility for the wrongdoings they’ve committed toward women, all in the service of getting THEIR needs met. I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with the victim-blaming and the misogynist-apologists.

    SERIOUSLY? You’re telling women that WE’RE to blame for believing a guy who is evasive, lies by omission, or just lies to our faces while looking us directly in the eyes? Women (AND decent men, when they’re ACTUALLY looking for a relationship) act in good faith. We are lied to in the most unbelievable ways, by even the “nice” guys. Yes, it’s true that there are plenty of “tells” that a guy is not serious about you, and Mandy summed those up quite well in her post. However, many guys are adept at hiding even THOSE indicators. The things I have seen guys do simply so they won’t be ALONE (and celibate) for any length of time are BEYOND any human capacity to decode. Women should not be blamed for believing lies told to our faces, for long periods of time, or for believing the liar’s calculated behaviour, which is consistent with that of a “serious” man.

    Men will go to incredible lengths to get their needs met, even when they’re not 100% serious about a woman. It’s called “passing the time.” Men will bring flowers, shower you with compliments, ask how your day was, show up on time for every date, call when they say they will, answer your texts and calls, and appear consistent and committed. They’ll call you or text you every night and morning. Men will introduce you to friends, coworkers, family. They’ll take you to their company BBQ and Christmas party. Men will spend holidays with you, and buy thoughtful, romantic gifts. Men will tell you “I love you.” They’ll cry in front of you while telling you their secrets. They’ll discuss your future together. They’ll discuss finances. They’ll discuss potential children. They’ll move in, or ask you to move in with them. They’ll take trips to Mexico or Europe or to the coast with you. They’ll take on your debt, or open a joint banking account, or make a large purchase with you. Their Facebook status will say “In a Relationship with (insert your name here).” THEY’LL PROPOSE, with a real ring. Hell, they’ll get married to you. You can go through ALL THIS with a man, and later you’ll STILL find out they’ve been cheating, they’re still in love with or not over an ex, or they’re leaving because they “never loved you in the first place.” So tell me, Richman, how the HELL a woman is supposed to distinguish THIS behaviour from that of a DECENT GUY WHO IS SERIOUS? Short of hiring a private investigator for every guy we date for longer than 6 months, women don’t have many options when faced with a practised, self-serving liar. Again, I stress that the men I speak of are NOT the obvious players, but guys who will actually get into FULL-ON MONOGAMOUS RELATIONSHIPS WITH WOMEN THEY DO NOT REALLY LOVE. The one thing I’ve learned from dating is that men, no matter how “nice” they are, can be assholes and liars to any woman EXCEPT the one they really love. Men are VERY good at “playing house” even if their hearts aren’t 100 % in it. And women only find out the truth after our time and emotions have been wasted.

    Whenever I see some guy on a blog that’s mainly a safe space for women, he’s either arrogantly mansplaining what WE’RE all doing wrong, or telling us that we’re picky bitches who IGNORE all the decent men (I always love hearing these purportedly “decent” men ranting about how women are BITCHES). Talk to ANY woman who’s been cheated on or suddenly divorced by a man with little or no warning, and you’ll find out that the problem is not that women are a bunch of dumbasses. Men are just extremely good at lying. Women don’t always SEE the lies, because 1) we want to believe that the man who LOOKS like he’s in a serious relationship with us REALLY IS in a serious relationship with us, and 2) we’re serious about the relationship, so OUR actions are genuine. We can’t imagine that someone would be so careless as to IMITATE that authenticity. But like the “Seduce and Destroy” franchise spearheaded by character Frank T.J. Mackey in “Magnolia,” a movie from way back in 1999, there are many books, articles, websites, and dating coaches out there teaching men the fine art of how to imitate authenticity. And men use the culture of lies THEY’VE created to blame women for “giving in” and enabling them.

    Yours is a blithe comment typical of the views of the modern male: why man up and be a human being of integrity when you can use women’s faith in love to keep your dick wet? It’s so much easier to shirk responsibility and pretend that women are a pack of blithering morons than it is to admit to yourself and the world that men are a pack of lying snakes. What women are, Richman, are genuinely interested in finding a suitable life partner who views us as such, and we’re honest about it. It’s sad that so many men won’t offer that basic courtesy to women in return.

    • Diane Hockman
      March 16, 2017

      Oh my gosh! I’m a mess right now reading all about how I feel like you all especially this person. Most situations seen to be different than mine. Married 33 years. Same job 23 years. Abandoned at 12 death of mother from long term illness. Abused mentally and physically after her death and I’m trying so hard to heal and break this cycle. Marrying at 18 big mistake for me. So many things that have happened boils down to he’s a good man on paper but by God I better not put him out aka inconvenience him for anything! Support me? Oh no! We are so different he can’t support what I like. Just leave him! Really? Rely on me? Alone? Yes I need help. Been doing self help for a long time. Black swan next on list. He is like having a father. I will print what this writer wrote for encouragement. I can tell you all how is done but feel so weak to do it myself. It’s like he has to do the BIG wrong to justify leaving. Why! Why am I like this. I want him to leave me! Wrong all wrong I know! Because deep down I believe I’m not worthy, loveable, likeable. Brainwashed. Now I’m left to teach and believe in myself? Yes I’ve been to counciling. He just listened. No plan. No take home exercises. Waste accept paid to listen. I need a good abandonment ptsd psych but can’t seem to find an autobiography that deals with my scenerio. I don’t know if I’ll be able to heal all the wounds. Staying means being comfortable most of the time in my home. Having my vehicle to go. My own money. Don’t say we’ll your not unhappy enough or you wouldn’t be there. Not true! Severe depression, anxiety panic attacks. Lost my job because mother by law died and nervous breakdown caused all the cracks to break. Antone else been here? Take your advise please and thank you! And thank you all for posting! Don’t feel as alone 🙂

    • Diane Hockman
      March 16, 2017

      Oh change my name to just Diane! !!!!! PLEASE POSTED MATCH 16TH AT 1:50PM

    • sista
      March 17, 2017

      Preach!

  52. Karensa
    December 17, 2015

    Here are the things I use as indicators that a guy isn’t 100%:

    1) He doesn’t make much eye contact. A guy who LIKES you can kiss you, sleep with you, cuddle, put his arm around you, hold your hand, etc. but a guy who LOVES you will want to look directly into your eyes for as long as he can. If your guy is not in your face trying to make sustained eye contact, there’s your answer. Apparently if you stare into your guy’s eyes and he breaks eye contact before or just after 4 seconds, that’s because he doesn’t WANT you looking at him for any longer. I’ve tested this theory on every guy I’ve been with. I actually had one guy say to me, “It makes me nervous when you stare at me like that.” Compare that comment to my first puppy love in university, where my bf and I would stare into each other’s eyes for HOURS. I’m not kidding. We LOVED staring into each other’s eyes – while kissing, while making love, while eating, while talking. We were like two lovestruck idiots, drunk on our locked gaze. The relationship was ultimately doomed, unsustainable because of religious differences, but I never doubted that this guy had serious feelings for me, or I for him. The eye contact wasn’t the only reason I knew – there were many things about his behaviour that I took for granted at the time. It was only later on, when I dated guys who were lying to me about being in love, that I noticed the HUGE difference in the behaviour of a guy who truly cares vs. a guy who’s pretending to care.

    2) Onward! He doesn’t care about your past, or your dreams for the future. A guy who LIKES you can talk with you for hours about every subject under the sun, but a guy who LOVES you wants to know who you WERE, who you are NOW, what makes you tick, and what your dreams are, so he can try his best to make you happy.

    3) He doesn’t address you by name very much. Or he doesn’t give you a cute nickname. He’ll call you”Hey, you,” in endearing tones, or “Babe” or whatever. Maybe he’ll call you an INSULTING nickname. Maybe he WILL give you a cute nickname, but if he’s not calling you by your real name often, then I’d wonder. In my experience, guys who REALLY love you say your name all the time: to you, to themselves, to their friends, in this dreamy way.

    4) He doesn’t look at you with adoration and pride. A guy can be physically affectionate, intimate, and get along with you really well, kiss you, talk to you for hours, and be with you in every other sense. But if the sight of you or a glance from you doesn’t seem to make your man melt; if he DOESN’T tell you that you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen and you turn him into a helpless puddle; if he DOESN’T admit, sheepishly, that he tries to resist acting so unlike himself but he’s putty in your hands, then he’s either cold and reserved, or passing the time at your expense.

    5) He doesn’t help you when you’re sick or in trouble. Case example: I was dating a guy, we were sleeping together, spending holidays together, integrating friends and family, every day was spent together or on the phone and constantly texting if we couldn’t be together in person. As far as I could tell, it was a serious, monogamous relationship. About four months in, I was at an appointment and sprained my ankle when my boot caught on the edge of a rug. I called him to tell him what had just happened. His response was not, “Oh my God, are you okay? I’m coming right away to pick you up.” Nope. This guy expressed his condolences, and then said “It’s too bad you can’t come out salsa dancing tonight. I really wanted you to come. Anyways, I’d better get going or I won’t get ready in time. Feel better! I’ll talk to you tomorrow!” I walked, on my sprained ankle, ten blocks to where I’d parked my car, and drove myself home, while HE WENT OUT SALSA DANCING.

    6) He DOES help you, but then when you get in a fight, you discover with astonishment that he’s calculated TO THE DIME how much he’s spent on you – this, after he made a big show of gallantly OFFERING to drive over to your place all the time, or pay for dinners, or pitch in for groceries while he stays over at your place and eats your cooking 4 days out of the week, i.e., he’s bitter and resentful about the things he did for you THAT YOU NEVER ASKED HIM TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I actually dated a guy who practically fainted when he met me, chased me down like a madman, surprised me with constant gifts and flowers, and was all-around gung-ho. He moved in (too quickly, IMO, but I was pretty heavily into him too), shared expenses and housework, said he was madly in love with me, wanted to marry me and have kids, was planning our future, and acted in every way like a guy in love. About 4 months into cohabitation, we discussed our finances, and he said, in the interests of our future together, he’d take on my $5K credit card debt to his credit line because of its lower interest rate. I hesitantly agreed, and promised to pay him back. Within 5 months I had paid him back $3800.00, using GICs that matured instead of reinvesting them. When I cheerfully mentioned, “Now I only have $1200.00 left to pay you,” he said, “Actually, if you calculate the interest, it’s more like $1350.” HE WANTED TO CHARGE ME INTEREST ON MONEY HE HAD “GIFTED” ME, OFFERED ME, FOR THE PURPOSES OF AMALGAMATING OUR FUTURE FINANCES. He hadn’t said at the outset that he planned to charge me INTEREST. If he had, I never would’ve taken his asshole money. Needless to say, even though he apologised and retracted his demand for interest payment, I dumped his ass and paid him the rest of the money in installments. What future husband charges his wife INTEREST? Unreal!

    7) He won’t protect you. Read Steve Harvey: that man knows what he’s talking about. I read his book too late. Anyhow, if your so-called boyfriend doesn’t steer you protectively through a crowd, switch spots while walking together to put himself between you and the traffic whizzing by two feet away, or you and scary-looking men; if he doesn’t care if you’re cold or getting rained on; if he sees some dude bothering you when you’re out together and he doesn’t rush up to intervene and tell the botherer to step off, or if he lets you walk to the bus stop, your car, your door, or ANYWHERE alone at night when he could’ve walked you to make sure you’re safe, whether you protest or not, then your “boyfriend” doesn’t really give a flying crap about you. Any indication that your personal safety isn’t paramount to him is a sign that he feels “meh” about you.

    8) When you walk, run, or bike together, he doesn’t match your pace. He makes you chase to keep up. This is a guy who doesn’t really want to be seen with you, even though you’re out doing an activity TOGETHER. Even sweeter is the guy who walks ahead of you but doesn’t even NOTICE that he’s left you ten feet behind, and when he does, he impatiently waits for you to catch up, then goes off and does the same thing, repeatedly.

    9) He compliments you, but the focus is more on your body, your intelligence, what you’re wearing, your hair, your shared interests, how jealous his friends are that he’s dating you, than it is on your eyes, your smile, your face, your laugh, your character. Again, a guy who doesn’t love you, doesn’t love your face and what’s going on in your mind. More often than not, he’ll passive-aggressively criticise you, even if it’s complete hypocrisy on his part.

    10) If you get angry about something he did or didn’t do – JUSTIFIABLY angry – and you state your feelings, he just won’t CARE. He’ll go through the motions and apologise, but it will sound more like “I’m sorry you’re upset,” or “I’m sorry I got caught,” or “I’m sorry you’re being oversensitive.” He’s not sorry for what he DID, no matter how thoughtless, and he’s certainly not interested in how you FEEL about it. This guy isn’t concerned with impressing you. He doesn’t value your opinion of him. He doesn’t care about maintaining trust, or a connection, or even compromising. The only reason you’ll extract an apology from him is if he realises that if he DOESN’T apologise, he’s not going to get any action.

    11) He’s reticent about where things are going. A guy who LOVES you makes no bones about it. When men want something, they will go after it like a tornado. They PLAN. If you’re not hearing him laying out a plan, one that includes you, one that doesn’t just sound like a lot of empty promises and pipe dreams, then you can be sure this guy isn’t serious. (That’s a Steve Harvey tip).

    12) He doesn’t carry the heavy stuff, or hold the door for you. Unless a guy isn’t physically ABLE to do so, he will be MORE than willing to puff up his chest and flex his biceps and carry the groceries, the camping gear, your bike, the cake you’re bringing to a party, your jacket, your schoolbooks, etc. and I am not kidding. This isn’t some old-fashioned delusion of mine: I’m a feminist. But I’m also a seasoned dater. I can actually pinpoint the demise of many guys’ interest in me, COMPLETELY unrelated to any demands that they carry my groceries (because I never made any), to the day they STOPPED carrying stuff and holding doors.

    I could go on, but my posts are way too long as it is. I do have my own blog, but I like to share my hard-earned knowledge with everyone. Hope this helps!

    • Marcene
      April 27, 2016

      Karensa,

      I’ve enjoyed reading your posts because they are so true. You know men very well. I believe that’s a gift cause a lot of us women can’t discern men as well as you have described them. You have eagles eyes like you said you are a seasoned dater. By the way, how do I find your blog?

    • March 28, 2017

      I sometimes questioned myself if I was being overly sensitive or just imagining that some of the things you talked about were an indication that he didn’t value me and really want me. You clarified that for me. He used to walk in front of me I felt like I was chasing after him. When I finally told him how I felt about it he said something like “he tries to make these walks also a fitness walk” . He did do some of the things you soon about which only made the relationship more confusing to me. Ikl knew in my heart he thought he was better than me but that was one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with. This relationship made me question myself actually made me feel ugly something I have never felt about myself before. He was handsome and knew it. Wound up staying too long and hurting each other.n Ladies these type of relationships never work and the end result is your left hurting with a very bruised ego and unfortunately takes longer to heal. I’ll never make these mistakes again.

  53. Val
    December 18, 2015

    Ouch!! The truth hurts! But not anymore than the pain of staying around. Completely needed this today!

  54. December 24, 2015

    I love tthis post and it resonates because I was in this relationship not so long ago. I lost myself trying to be 110% there for him communicating. He knew 100% of who I am yet I didn’t even know his favorite meal!

  55. April
    December 28, 2015

    Wow……literally everything was spot on unfortunately.

  56. Michelle
    December 30, 2015

    I am in a two year relationship his actions speaks louder then words. When I ask him if he loves me, he says he cannot go there due to past scared relationships. So what to do, I’m in a quandary. He’s been open and upfront from the beginning. We are together mostly all week, and weekends. And I often stay at his condo. When I’m not there he misses me. Any advice out there. I’m 65 not getting any younger. Plus he’s very good to me

    • Marcene
      June 15, 2016

      Hi Michele!

      Please read Karensa’s post dated December 17, 2015. Or just move on if you have not done so.

  57. TM
    December 30, 2015

    WOW!! You described the guy I was seeing to a “T”!! @ Karensa. OMG. #12. Once I was carrying heavy bags the guy didn’t even offer to carry one of them. And once I was unloading my car and he didn’t even offer to help. And this guy would never apologize–not even to save his life. He would always turn the story around so that I was made to look like the bad guy and then I’d have to apologize to him (well that wasn’t happening because I KNEW I didn’t do anything wrong). But the worse had to be when he had the nerve to act like he didn’t even know me–and this was AFTER I had been there for him during one of the darkest times of his life. And he did a lot of other things that left me scratching my head. Needless to say, this dude is staying in 2015. I’m moving on to someone who will appreciate what he took for granted.

  58. TMW
    December 31, 2015

    @Karensa. #10. the guy I was seeing would never own up or apologize to save his life. This past summer he was avoiding me like the plague. When I confronted him about it, I asked him if he was angry at me for something. Instead of saying something like, “I’m sorry I’M MAKING YOU FEEL THAT WAY” he says ” Why do YOU always think it’s something bad?? and then another time he says I do things that make him uncomfortable like Hugging and kissing him and holding his hand. Never mind that HE was the one who started the hugging and kissing. and I’ll just say this. If you wanted to get his fingerprints, all you had to do was process me. Now I don’t wish any bad luck on anyone. but I’ll say this: Karma has been paying this guy a visit.

  59. Alison
    January 5, 2016

    Isn’t it shocking how do many people , men and women, have to go through such heartache because of the fact of the matter is people just cannot be honest and truthful. My biggest problem with men, because I am coming from a woman’s point of view, is lack of honesty. All it takes is to be upfront and honest from the get go. I have encountered years of failed relationships, one after the other and they are mostly all based on lack of honesty, commitment and loyalty. I have yet to find a man who will stay loyal and committed even through the tough times. If you love someone and you say those words, you love them no matter what, flaws, imperfections – period. I am still searching. I won’t give up. I will not let the small majority of men I have encountered bring me down and ruin my life. I know Mr Right is out there and I know I deserve him. So I am still looking. Much love to all.

  60. LJE
    January 8, 2016

    Mandy,
    I can relate to a lot of what you write. A LOT. I am 29 years old, divorced for 4 years now. (We were married for 5 years and had two beautiful little girls). I had dated on and off and fell completely head over heels for a guy who was 42. We dated for about 6 months and he broke my heart. It took me about a year to finally completely MOVE ON. Then, I met a guy who is now 48 but doesn’t look his age, at all. Very handsome, charming, and just seemed to be the ONE. (To back up a little bit, I had always been a heavy girl. My highest weight was 400 and then I had gastric bypass. Ended up losing 240lbs and had finally “found myself”, so I thought.) Right here is where I met this guy. The first couple of months turned into he wouldn’t allow me around his friends, I couldn’t comment or post things on his Facebook, etc. and his excuse was “He was uncomfortable with people knowing he was seeing someone old enough to be his daughter.” The first year of us dating, I spent the week of Thanksgiving with him, but wasn’t allowed to spend it with him family, I was asked to leave his house while he threw an iron bowl party for his friends, same during Christmas that year. (My girls were at their dad’s these weeks of course.) He did not meet my girls for over a year. Finally, he decided he wanted to “date” me and only me. We had an agreement that if we wanted to see other people, we would let the other know beforehand. Then, I started finding texts and messages from other women, he was taking other women out for drinks, etc. All of these things hurt, but apparently not enough for me to walk away. He would apologize, I would forgive (but not completely) and would continuously find the same things in his phone. I would find myself always wanting to search, just to cause myself more hurt I suppose. About 6 months after then, we finally were in a “relationship”. When I wouldn’t get upset with the things he would do and he would break up with me. It seems like he breaks up with me every other day. and then will message other women on FB or texts and his excuse is “We are broken up, I can do wht I want.” June will be three years and I am still here. Why? Why, when I should have walked away many times before. Each time he would manipulate me to coming back. He doesn’t believe anything he does or has done is wrong, and he and his friends think I am just a bad person for being upset at the way he treats me or does. I found out in October that I am pregnant with his first child and now I feel stuck. Now is when I desperately want to get out and move on and I just feel stuck. My self esteem and confidence are back to -0 due to this guy and his actions, but it is my fault, I stayed and allowed it. I feel worthless and have recently been reading self worth books and trying to build my relationship with God. This guy never would disappear for days, he wouldn’t not make time for me, he would do things with me and text me first, etc. however, we cannot go to a restaurant or anywhere without him staring at other women, literally, and if I say anything, I am crazy and so insecure and just ridiculous, as he says.
    He did some things someone who loves you should do, but still did not and does not truly love me. When you love someone, you give yourself to them completely. You never ever make them feel insecure, you never tell them how insecure they are and that they’re just ridiculous because of how they feel. Love builds UP, it doesn’t break down.

  61. Agi
    January 26, 2016

    Hi Mandy,

    I love your blog and your motivational quotes. My friend Joanna, who was featured on your Facebook page yesterday, introduced me to your work. I’m in love..with your work! It’s sad that beautiful, intelligent and strong women like us can become so weak when it comes to men. That’s just not right!
    This specific blog piece applies to my current situation…I’ve tried to break up twice, but I have to see him at school and it just seems almost impossible for me to stay strong. Every time I see him it’s great and I feel like him and I are getting a more intimate relationship and then, as you say, he pulls the rug from under my feet! Do you have any advice as to how to stay strong and move on when you still have to see that person on regular basis?? I don’t want this to after my school performance…and obviously the feelings are still there….I’d love to hear your feedback!

    Lots of love!

    A

  62. Bekah
    February 3, 2016

    I’m so thankful that you wrote this. I went through the same exact experience a two years ago.

    We were friends for over 7yrs before we started seeing each other. He was the first guy I ever dated, but after a few months, he just stopped caring. He went from always calling me, to being too busy to answer the phone. It was like a switch went off for him to stop liking me anymore. Weeks after he broke up with me, there were pics of him with some other girl. It took me so long to get over it, especially since he broke up with me during an already difficult time in my life. I never felt more alone in my entire life. During this time, I wish I knew someone who felt the same as I. I wish I knew of someone who was once as confused, heartbroken, and angry about losing someone like I did at that moment.

    Even though I found this article almost two years later, I’m extremely thankful for it. It’s like you solved one of the biggest heartbreaks for me, and taught me that I’m the better person. Just because someone ignores you, and stops caring about you, doesn’t mean that it’s your fault. And I think that’s the one thing I need to keep remembering.

    Thank you so much! I don’t think you know how much this has helped me just now!

  63. phillipine
    June 1, 2016

    yes i was. and the unfortunate part of it all is that i share a baby with him. now m scared of being in another relationship and unable to trust a man again…..this situation really left deep scars in my life…

  64. kg
    July 7, 2016

    I just found this blog after mind-numbingly browsing the interwebs after my ex and I finally broke off our long distance relationship. The feeling of walking on eggshells. The uncertainty. The big question of what we were doing. How I felt I was putting more of an effort. All of this and more rang true. The sucky part is that he and I were really close; we were each others’ confidants. He was my best friend. We talked every single day, throughout the day. We were trying to navigate this painful long distance relationship, and even though I was alone, I never felt lonely; he on the other hand, just couldn’t stand it anymore and wanted to find someone closer. But because we were so close with each other, we just dragged this break because we didn’t want to hurt each other. Even though in my heart I felt like the break was coming, it still feels like a punch in the gut and I just start sobbing, because not only did I lose a romantic relationship with him, I feel like I lost a friendship as well. I just don’t know if we can be friends anymore, at least not at this moment. I feel way too hurt and heartbroken that in the end, no matter what words he said to me, that I was special to him, that he never wants to not have me in his life, etc etc, I just wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t enough. And that’s what hurts the most right now. That he would rather go out and meet a more convenient woman, and cast me off to the side until I’m more convenient and meet under better circumstances.

    I’m trying so hard to just distract myself and move on, but its just so difficult. I just absolutely hate this feeling and can’t wait till it doesn’t hurt anymore.

  65. Kiersten
    July 10, 2016

    It is so crazy to read every line of this and feel like I’m talking into a mirror. every single thing on here is me right now. for almost 6 years I’ve been dealing with this with this guy that I’ve always thought is the love of my life the one i can’t be without the one i can’t even breathe without. but he doesn’t seem to act that way to me. he acts exactly how it says in this blog. I feel like I’m constantly walking on egg shells, i dont bother to tell him about my day or whats going on in my life because he doesn’t care he doesn’t pay attention when i talk about myself. He is constantly ignoring me and not answering my messages. I want to believe he loves me and i want to believe we can work through this. i want to believe I’ve been doing this for 6 years to find that one day he will change and realize we are supposed to be together. i cry every day because I’m not strong enough to be without him. I’m pathetic over someone who doesn’t give me the time of day anymore. I’m heart broken white a constant knot in my throat and a constant pain in my chest and the constant thought in my head of why I’m not enough for him to love me the way i love him. The saddest part is I’m only a 19 year old girl. and I’ve been doing this since i was 14.

  66. Diane M
    July 14, 2016

    Thank-you for writing this. I came across this today being in a relationship for 2 years fell in love with him and thought he did too. We talked about moving in together, what we would do when we retired, where we would go. I adopted him into my family like he would be there forever. Last few months he has been working a lot and thought he was just over tired, his texts, phone calls and seeing him were getting less. I kept asking him if everything was ok, his response was everything fine. One Saturday came and he said Oh I forgot to tell you I have to go to a graduation party so do whatever you want to do I don’t know what time it will be over. He never asked if I wanted to come with him. Then I knew things weren’t right. I asked him whats going on? Is there someone else? his response was NO. I was really sad and hurt with the way he was treating me. With a broken heart and knowing things were pretty much over. I’ll never understand how someone can tell you everyday they love you and then towards the end turn off a switch.

  67. M
    July 25, 2016

    Hi Mandy,

    I recently came across the exact kind of man you have described in this post. He got in touch after four years. After two weeks of texting and one evening of dinner, I felt a sudden but subtle transition in his behaviour. He went from “I’m so into you” to “I’m just not that into you” when I’d clarified to him that I am not the sleep-around kind of gal. And though he said he understood and was okay with that, it slowly seemed that he actually did understand but just didn’t care. He started being off with me, I found myself becoming an inconvenience to him and had even began to worry that I may have upset him. I would think ten times before sending him a text, constantly worry why I hadn’t heard from him and what he thought of me. But then, I started reading “He’s just not that into you”, I came face-to-face with examples of him on every page I turned to. I realised, he had been making a fool out of me all along and screwing with my head. So. I sent him a VERY VERY VERRRYYY long message outlining the inconsistencies in his behaviour towards me and the confusion he was creating. I wasn’t obnoxious or rude, but I was clear that he had clearly got the wrong girl. I wished him well and asked him politely to stop contacting me. I never heard back from him and still haven’t. After this, I felt strange at first, but my God I felt empowered!

    I have never stood up to any guy who has messed me around in the past. I have never had the courage to be so brave and honest as this. I felt like I had won an internal war. A war of being torn between loving, respecting myself and pleasing men that treat me like a piece of meat. I had at last made the right choice. I am aware that I hurt his ego, but his was an ego that had grown in the garden of hurt, watered by the heartaches of so many women before me. I felt proud that I had knocked it down. Not just for me, but for all those women whose hearts he broke.

    Thank you so much for this post. I am reliving that day and feeling when I chose ME and my self-respect.

    M x

  68. Ceecee
    August 10, 2016

    You have described a man that I allowed to hold a relationship carrot in front of me for years. I’ve done everything, given him my time, cash, but thank God, not my body. I just recently determined he is not the one for me and let him go. He still tries to do little things to make Mr 2nd guess my decision, but thank God for this summary and others like it that confirms he never loved me and I’m so happy I moved on!!

  69. sexyj
    August 18, 2016

    we met and started sleeping together exactly one month, at first he can go for 3 rounds plus but recently he started being distant, once he release he doesn’t care how I feel, he stopped calling me and I visit him daily and he told me he wanted us to get married and he still say it, but I doubt he still want to do that because it seems his heart is someWher else, or can anyone ve any reason why he can’t gain back his erection again after the first time,

  70. August 19, 2016

    I have been in a non sexual relationship with a man that I have fell head over heals for, he has drained me financially as well as mentally. He never has any time for me nor wants to find the time to be with me. It appears he only call, text and says I love you near when it’s time for me to get paid and when I get paid he needs this or that regardless if it will cause me to lose my home , car or phone, he just doesn’t seem to care. We don’t even live together and he is always making excuses about why we are not living together, but again he is not putting any effort into making that happen either. I love this man so much and I’m so scared of losing him.

    • Joanna Parker
      October 25, 2016

      Unfortunately he is a leech, it hard to lose a “companian” but is it worth thus even a freinds shouldn’t be this way.

  71. August 25, 2016

    He is all that has been described & I am the woman still hanging on. I want closure but it’s like he enjoys watching me in pain. He never gives me too much time & tells me I am smothering him if I tell him I need a little more. He has shamed my name because of how I have reacted to his cheating ways. He has banned me from his home but invites strangers because I reacted very immaturely when I caught other women there. I have made such a fool of myself for a man who turned out not to have ever loved me at all. Worse part is I have a son 16 & sister 26 whom I raised all by myself, watched this man tare me apart…even now. He has no remorse…may prison & mama’s boy messed him up bad. I am ready to be free…

  72. Aggie
    October 1, 2016

    UNBELIEVABLE BUT TRUE!!! My Husband dumped me six months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the Internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help people to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 48 hours that my husband will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my husband came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and Once again thank you Dr AYANI, You are truly talented and gifted. Email: superlovespellcaster @ live . com is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. Email: superlovespellcaster @ live . com….

  73. Juanita Thomas
    November 15, 2016

    My situation is different in that I did not question whether he loved me or not. From the beginning of our relationship, which started online, he was there for me, really my best friend. Then one day he told me he loved me. I had started falling for him, too. I was recovering from a broken heart and every day Abhishek would be online, talking with me, encouraging me. We talked about everything else too, everything in our hearts. I went through a family crisis and he kept getting online to check on me all through the night, and he was at work. I have never felt so loved in my entire life. I finally went to his country, India, to meet him. To say he was better in life than he had been online, well he was, but everything that had culminated in my heart over those 3 years made being with him beautiful. I was so afraid to meet him in person, I told him you don’t have to like me, he said, I love you, Pussycat, his pet name for me. The whole week was so awesome. He planned 2 outings for us and worked from home during the week, so he could be near me. He could not stay away from me, he hugged me and kissed me and stroked my face. He seemed to marvel that I was there. He made me tea and served me every morning. He would make me coffee just the way I liked it. I cooked for him and he took pics of the food, took pics of me. He just loved me. I wanted to move there, get my own place. I did not want to move right in with him. He seemed excited when I first said I wanted to move there. Then just 3 weeks ago, he started acting a bit strangely. Not replying to 2 of my cute texts to him. Not getting online during the day, only at night, on his break from work. Then we talked on the phone and he broke it off, saying if I moved there I would expect him to marry me, although I have never brought up marriage. He said he could not be in a relationship. I am devastated, he is not just the man I love, he is my best friend. I emailed him a little over a week ago, sent him a song I knew he would like. He emailed me back, I had developed a blood clot but otherwise than posting it on fb, which he had left, I never told him about it. He said I hope your blood clot is better, I am looking forward to hearing more songs from you on yt, I had previously sung some songs and posted them to yt, some love songs for him. I think he felt that should I move there he would have total responsibility of looking out for me since he would be the only one I know. He is a very responsible kind of a person. It hurts so much, I miss him so bad. When he broke it off with me he was crying saying he loves me and would never love another woman the way he loves me. But he still left, I am baffled. And so sad. :'(

  74. jackie
    December 12, 2016

    again and again I caught him texting with other woman, either going out for coffee or going out for drink. Again and again I caught him deleting text conversation, or lieying to my face. Again and again for 8 years, ….and yet, Im still here, questioning why he’s keep doing this things. Questioning why keep hurting me,..and yet im still here, believing all his lie, all his promises, which clearly all are lies….yap 8 years and it still too hard to get out, and move on… it hurts, its draining, and its devastating to loving the same man who keeps hurting you all this years…

    • Nefertiti
      February 15, 2017

      Same here.He would say “but I don’t sleep with them.Get over it”.Until the truth came out late last year.Turns out, that girl that would giggle with her friends everytime I passed by,he had been sleeping with her.I was their joke for years.And he still texts women that know me,just so they can laugh at me behind my back.It’s sad because we are married and have a 5year old son.This marriage has been traumatising.

  75. Pamela
    January 5, 2017

    We have eye contacts but we do not go up to each other and say hello. We have feelings for eachother and we like eachother but I dont know what stops us from greeting eachother. ।am the one always calling him up and wanting to meet him but he never refuses. He wishes me good bye with a hug and kiss. Things alive inside him but he does not want me as his girlfriend. He is a former cricket player and divorced. After all our such drama i love him and so much want to be with him,cook for him,wash his cloths,buy him gifts of my choice. I just can’t let him go. He keeps on haunting me. My love for him, those sweet moments all has made me passionate towards him till today. He knows that i still love him.

  76. Tesa
    January 29, 2017

    I’m glad I have come across this article. The guy recently broke my heart was exactly like the one you described. Right after the break up, I would read the article over and over just to remind me that he doesn’t want to be with me, let alone having true feelings for me.
    As a woman, there were many times I would find excuses for him and ignore the red flags. This article is almost like my guidance to emotional independence from him. I broke up with him a few months ago, but I still miss him like crazy. Recently, I am even thinking to ask him to come back. You know how as time goes by, you forget about the bad things and only remember the good things….
    Luckily, I remembered your article and googled it again so that I can re-read it and remind myself to get away from a guy who has no respect for me.
    My heart hurts so bad, but for sure is not as bad as the pain I had right after the break up. Your article helped me. Thank you.

  77. Alana
    March 20, 2017

    I always wondered if he loved me. He said he did but his actions never supported his words. All I wanted from him was to show me he cared for me. Never wanted him to change himself, I loved him but it only seemed he needed me on his terms. I felt unwanted, unloved. Tried to see if that feeling would change after a few months- never changed sadly. It was hard to let go since he was my first bf. I finally broke up with him this morning and I can seriously say I’ll miss him but I’m glad I can finally be happy and know what I deserve.

  78. Clomo
    March 21, 2017

    This is very true. That kind of relationship leaves the person very hurt and leaves them feeling very unwanted. I had a long distance relationship w/that kind of guy, from the very beginning I was wondering how much he was actually into me. He was hot and cold, the moments we spent together were so deep and intimate. Outside of our every 2 month visits, I was left wondering if he cared, I always had to initiate vid chatting (he forgot our vid chats quite a bit), he could go a whole day w/out sending me anything and he was so angry when his flight was delayed for a day. If my flight had been delayed and I didn’t have school or work, I would thrilled to spend that extra day w/someone special. After me noticing communication really cut down, I had enough and I ended up finding out, he didn’t want a relationship anymore. I suspect his heart was never in it and I was temporary entertainment and after I started demanding a little more work, I wasn’t worth it. I don’t think he ever truly loved me because someone who truly loves you, doesn’t just dump you out.

  79. Paul
    November 24, 2017

    Today unfortunately most women will go for the bad boy type of men, especially if he has a lot of money since most women nowadays just can’t Accept us good men for who we really are anymore. With most women nowadays being so very greedy, selfish, spoiled, picky, and very money hungry which tells the whole true story right there.

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