Why We Cling to People Who Don’t Love Us

GodHasForYouWhy did I cling to a guy who didn’t love me for almost eight years?

I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately, as I see friends of mine trapped in similarly hopeless situations. Situations that I can see so clearly as someone who has been there and is now standing on the outside, looking in. They can’t see or think clearly because they’re in the thick of it. Too close to it. I guess you have to be really ready to see someone for who they really are. Until that moment, until the veil finally lifts, you find yourself making excuse after excuse after excuse for them. Is that you, right now? Is that where you’re at? Let me tell you about some of the thoughts that went through my mind during my seven-plus years of waiting on Mr. E to love me.

He doesn’t know how to handle his feelings. They’re too intense. He runs whenever he has serious feelings for someone. He’s emotionally immature. He’s scared of commitment. He loves me SO much, he doesn’t know how to express it. He’s so different from other guys. I can’t apply hard and fast “He’s Just Not That Into You” rules to Mr. E, because he’s a one of a kind. When God made him, he broke the mold. If I just wait a little longer, he’ll wake up and realize how he feels about me and we’ll live happily ever after. He moved across country/disappeared/stopped calling me because we started to get too close. Anytime we get too close, he runs. His feelings for me are overwhelming, so that’s why he vanishes. I know he’s the one for me. I know I just have to be patient…just give him a little more time. He moves slowly when he’s really serious about someone. He’s only committed to crazy girls in the past because he knew it wouldn’t last. Yes, that’s why he committed to them and not me…because he knows I’m keeper and once he commits to me, it’s forever. That has to be it. I’m the one for him and he knows it and we have such an intense connection, it’s scary to him. He runs because he’s scared. He doesn’t commit to me because he’s scared. He drifts in and out of my life because he’s scared.

Of course, reading that now, today…it’s easy for me to see the sheer insanity of my thought process. But this is what we do. We can’t admit the truth to ourselves because it’s too painful…so instead we write the story for the other person. We fill in the gaps with soft, shiny protective denial because the sharp edges of the truth hurt too much. We look for deeper, hidden, more noble meanings to their every word because we can’t face up to the truth that their actions are showing us exactly how they feel. We let them off the hook time and time and time again for letting us down and breaking our hearts because we just know that underneath it all, underneath the pretense and over the giant wall they’ve erected all around them, beats the heart of a person deeply in love with us. We don’t take their actions at face value because the face looking back at us is too cold and distant and removed for us to recognize…and the person we’ve invested so much time and emotion and energy into would NEVER be cold and distant and removed. Would they?

The truth is, my friends, there’s no such thing as loving someone too much to be with them. As being so overwhelmed by your feelings for someone that you run from them. As being too scared to commit to someone. These are the stories that the books and movies want us to believe because they’re fraught with drama and romanticism and tortured passion…but the truth is far, far simpler.

When someone shows you how they feel…or don’t feel about you…believe them.

If they love you, they’ll act like it. If they’re not acting like it…they don’t love you.

If they want to be with you…they’ll be with you. They won’t just SAY they want to be with you, or tell their friends they want to be with you…they’ll SHOW you. And if their words say one thing and their actions say another…believe their actions. Every time.

The truth, even when it comes to love, is far simpler than we dare imagine or even wish. If you are left with feelings of confusion and anguish and uncertainty and rejection and unease…that isn’t love. Love isn’t perfect, no…but it’s also not torturous. It’s not painful. It’s not a constant gray area. Love is certain. Love looks like love. Love doesn’t hide or dodge or run. Love shows up. Love makes itself known, and it makes itself clear.

It took me almost eight years to understand that anyone you have to wait around on to love you, is someone that will never love you. There isn’t going to come this magical day when they suddenly wake up and realize they love you. There isn’t going to be this grand gesture where they chase you to the airport or the train station to confess their true feelings for you. You can literally waste years of your life waiting on the grand gesture. And if they have the desire to run when you come around, it isn’t because their feelings for you are so intense, they don’t know how to handle them. It’s because they don’t know how to handle telling you that their feelings aren’t all that intense.

This post will probably make some people uncomfortable. It will make some people mad. Others will read it, dismiss it and stay with feet and heart firmly planted in that endless purgatory of waiting on someone to love them.

But maybe, just maybe…it will also wake a few people up. Maybe it will empower one or two people to slam a door shut once and for all and not look back. Maybe it will save someone from wasting eight years of their life on the wrong person, like I did.

I’m not sure why I waited so long on someone to love me back that was never capable of it. Maybe because I didn’t love myself enough to see that I deserved so much more. Maybe because I didn’t want to admit to myself that someone I cared about so deeply didn’t share my feelings. Maybe it was because I already had my life’s plan written out for myself and didn’t want to admit that I got it wrong. Maybe I was simply scared to let him go because I was afraid of what that feeling of holding onto nothing felt like. (Even though I was already essentially holding onto nothing, I just didn’t realize it for a really long time.)

…Or maybe it was because I was always meant to write this blog and it was always meant to change your life.

(You can read more about how I finally stopped clinging to someone who didn’t love me in my latest book, Beautiful Uncertainty.)

61 Responses to “ Why We Cling to People Who Don’t Love Us ”

  1. Miss T
    June 20, 2016

    Love is loud,love is relentless,love is initiative,love is simple,love is proactive,love has a language,love can be touched,love can be seen,love is love…and a woman knows where there is love and where there isn’t because God has created women as the vessels of receiving men’s love… personally I learned this the hard way but now I am free…I never stay where there is no love,i believe I will one day meet a person who will know how to love me for who I am

  2. Taneise
    June 20, 2016

    True words spoken! Sometimes when reality is in our faces we choose to ignore it. I’ve learned a lot about relationships and I know when to keep it moving when the feelings are not mutual.

    • Zoey
      March 23, 2017

      I have a questions… To all of the women out there who can help me…
      There is this one guy.. He comes to my life and knocked down my wall which was so strong stay there for my past first love and first bf in almost 5 years…
      He comes to me and asking to marry me.. Even he already plan our future, and he already talks to my parents…
      But… By the time… I knew he is a workaholic, but he makes me feel like i am unimportant anymore… He barely have a time to meet me because of his works, once he feels ashamed on his friend because we were fighting when there is his friend… He got angry on me and it needs lots of effort to get his forgiveness… When we have a problem, he seems like okay with it…. When i try to solve the problem by calling or meet in person, he just want texting, he rejected my call many times… He said he loves me… We barely meet… But when we meets it’s like i found different person like i usually talk in phone… I can see his love when he sees me through his eyes but when we chat on phone, it feels like he never appreciate me, like he doesn’t need me… I feel his love is gone… As by the time without chatting for more than 3 days he can stay with it… He said i am the first girl on his life that he ask to be his wife, that he comes to my parents… But why he did these all to me? Like i am the only one who need him now…

  3. Marie
    June 20, 2016

    Thank you. I really needed this today. I recently ended a 4-year long distance relationship that should have been ended sooner, had I not waited and waited and waited for him to make the grand gesture that I really knew deep inside would never come. Thanks for reminding me of my right choice, because I keep doubting myself everyday since I made it. Thanks for waking me up. Keep doing what you’re doing!

    • Sunshine
      June 21, 2016

      Same story here. Long distance, 3 years, waiting, wishing, hoping. He said all the right things, but come to find out I was just being strung along because he couldn’t decide between me & some one else. When I found out I thought I was being cheated on..when in fact I was the one he was cheating with! Never had a clue..he wanted to keep things going & I foolishly followed for a bit. Until one day I woke up from this haze I had fallen into. Knowing nothing would come of this & I would end up being hurt the most. I walked away, told the truth, held my head high & finally said good-bye. I loved this man, was really into him, did anything/everything for him, but I know I deserve so much better. I beat myself up, why didn’t I see the signs sooner? Why couldn’t I walk away sooner. Long distance relationships are hard, but communication & trust are key. Once you lose trust, it is so hard to get that back. I wish him well and send him peace & love everyday. I hold no grudges. But it was time to think about me.

    • diva girl
      June 27, 2016

      I am in the same situation and this post was the kick in the butt I needed. yes it’s hard, but I won’t waste more time waiting for someone who is never going to give me what I want or what I deserve!

  4. COCO
    June 20, 2016

    Reading this, I almost wanted to look over my shoulder to see if you were watching my story and writing about it… In the midst of trying to let go of someone that I keep hoping will make the grand gesture… How do I pray for this? Can I ask God to take the pain away? Or rather to open my eyes once and for all? Too scared to ask God to reveal my ex’s true charachter. Scared to be shocked and hurt even more. Need to be wise about this.

    • Candle
      June 20, 2016

      You pray and ask God for all of that! You ask Him to protect your heart, you ask for him to open your eyes, and you ask Him to remove any and everything that is not meant for you mentally, physically, or emotionally! And then just wait on Him to provide for you.

    • Courtney
      August 5, 2016

      Wow! This was so real, raw, honest, truth & just what I needed to read…like a confirmation or something. I have been in a relationship with a man for 11 years & it’s going nowhere smh! Thank you for this…change starts now!

  5. H
    June 20, 2016

    “I’m not sure why I waited so long on someone to love me back that was never capable of it.”

    Answer: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201310/stop-the-narcissist-relationship-cycle

  6. Amelia
    June 20, 2016

    Mandy,

    Thank you for writing this. Unfortunately, I find myself in this situation for the 2nd time. I wasted 7 years with the first guy and finally, FINALLY!, moved on. Now here I am again, with a new guy I’ve been dating on and off for a year. On and off. That should be my first sign, right?! Lol. I’m ready to be done. I’m so ready. I’m ready to find someone who won’t leave me hanging, confused, filled with anxiety over our relationship. But it’s hard, I want him to love me… But he doesn’t. I know that. I’m ready to close that door once and for all. I have this blog saved to go back and reread it over and over whenever I start to feel confused. It’s crystal clear now. Thank you, Mandy.

  7. Angie
    June 20, 2016

    For the past 3 months I’ve been doing everything you wrote about with someone who said they loved me and then broke up with me! We’ve tried the “Let’s be friends” then we decided we couldn’t be friends because it hurt too much and now we are back to hanging out. My heart hurts and I feel so broken because nothing is like it was when we were at our best! I’ve never had a problem walking away from a guy but this one is different and I don’t know why.

  8. Brenda Harrell
    June 20, 2016

    Thank you. I really needed this today. I am ending an 11 year relationship. It is eye opening to read the words above. I made all the excuses listed and probably came up with more. If I waited, If I gave enough, If I loved enough, if I became thin enough, if I let him have his freedom enough if I looked good enough…( I had a tummy tuck and breast reduction during this time)..I;m glad I did it..but the reasons HAD to include I felt it would finally make him love me. I will print this out, post it where I can see it, read it every day if I have to to not be drawn back in. I broke it off many times and was always drawn back in by “Let’s try again and see how things go” 11 years…. a decade plus to delude myself. It doesn’t make it easy, It is by fr the hsrdest thing I have done…to finally tell him its over for good. All I can do is pray and hold fast that God has something better for me.

  9. Velvet
    June 20, 2016

    Thanks for writing this – I have finally got to this point. I wasn’t with my ex long, but he’s been one of my best friends for years. Knew he couldn’t commit , but I thought it would be different with me. I’ve Finally realised this week he just can’t give me what I want and need from a man.

  10. Teeka
    June 20, 2016

    10 years of telling myself one day he would realize that he really loved me….10 years later I’m telling myself he never loves me. Thank you for supporting my reality check.

  11. Angie
    June 20, 2016

    This is like you are writing your story from my perspective. This was a great read and exactly what I need to see every day. The pain doesn’t seem to end. I am so sorry for your hurt because I am feeling the same way you once felt. I’m living my life, but the pain…..I just want to be better…..

  12. Lisa Hammond
    June 20, 2016

    I just want to say to all you ladies who know that “he” isnt the one…. If God has given you signs that he is not the one then be obediant. You never have to fight for someone to love and respect you. Those 2 things should come freely! Walking away will be a blessing. God will in turn bless you more because you waited for whom HE has chosen for you. Once you do that then it unlocks the doors for God to open. You are worthy of so much more. Believe it !

  13. Arlene
    June 20, 2016

    Thanks for this… Just found out the sweet, sensitive confused guy is MARRIED! I feel so stupid, thankfully didn’t last long but did sufficient damage.

  14. Jaime
    June 20, 2016

    “anyone you have to wait around on to love you, is someone that will never love you” Enough said! Thanks for always being real and honest. I love knowing there are other women out there dealing with the same dilemmas.

    • Kelly
      June 21, 2016

      Wow. You are telling my story. My ex told me twice “he cared about me, but not as much as I wanted him too”. I kept thinking it has only been 3 months and how can I get him to care about me more. however, as he spent his time on everything but me except once a week if I was lucky, i needed more. I am broken hearted because I felt a real connection with this man. I’m thankful for everyone who is sharing as I realize it’s not just me.

  15. Karen
    June 20, 2016

    Thank you, Mandy, from the bottom of my heart. I was nodding my head, saying “yes, yes, yes!” through this whole blog entry. You gave words to everything that I would never admit but finally accepted not long ago. You are a truly gifted writer and have been a blessing to my life. Thank you SO much!

  16. Beth
    June 20, 2016

    Are you sure you didn’t overhear me this weekend? Lolol You seriously nailed my situation on the head. My mind knows he doesn’t love me, that he played me but my heart is having a hard time catching up. We have a long history of friendship so I thought he was different and he was in the beginning until he wasnt. I put him back in the friend zone but it’s crushing me every time I see a post on FB or his sister wants to hang out. We are long distance so at least I don’t see him on a regular basis. I’m mad at myself for completely letting him in….I have never been an open book to someone so I think I let our friendship blind my judgement. I feel very used and heartbroken. I’m not sure I can continue our friendship because he acts like nothing happened and still tells me he loves me when I know better. What do I do?

    • Beth
      June 20, 2016

      I want to be very clear though. I will never be with someone who doesn’t make me a priority. I know my worth and I know what I bring to the table so it’ll have to be a very special person to catch my eye again. When I mentioned his sister what I meant was it hurts to hang out with her seeing his pictures in her house and the references to him. I’ve had to back off to protect my heart. I will get pass this heartbreak in time. I just don’t know how to be his friend anymore or if I even should? That’s what I meant by the what do I do? Keep doing me…that’s what I’m doing. Time heals all wounds..

  17. Lisa
    June 20, 2016

    I was with a man for several years, knew that he was recently divorced, saw red flags.. but ignored them. The last straw came after I gave up vacation time to accompany him to an appointment in another city to learn his treatment plan for prostate cancer. Shortly after we returned I got a text message on a Sunday morning from him, only it was meant for his ex- oops. That was it, I was done and I am grateful that God gave me that sign, after missing so many. I did numerous things over the years to earn his love, lots of time and money wasted, but wisdom gained and that is precious.

  18. Ceh
    June 20, 2016

    I needed this platform, your words, and blog years ago..Still today.. God is truly using you to encourage and help other women. I endured a five year long distance and an eight year on and off. Horrible, Right? What really hurts is when you see them move on and treat someone or show the next chick off and they treated you like dirt. I realize now, yes, these men are wrong for leading us on but; we have to first love ourself and see us the way God sees us. Not to mention it hurts because all my close friends are married or married with kids. ..Makes me feel like something is wrong with me..Prayer is key as well…Also, my Mother tells me to be very detailed with my prayers and requests..

  19. Jaclyn
    June 20, 2016

    Wow thank you for this I needed to hear it. Your words have more power than you will ever know. Thank you.

  20. Debbie Fitzpatrick
    June 20, 2016

    Hurts to admit even now. Thank you!

  21. Ginger Phillips
    June 20, 2016

    Thank you for writing your books and this blog…. your words are so inspiring to me. Just like you have have been holding onto a love that I should have let go of 10years ago. I am finally seeing that this person will never change and he is not the right person for me. I know I have to let go, it’s a daily struggle. I know one day I will be free of my feelings for this person, but until that day comes I will be happy with what I have to try to make the best of each and every day. I have the best source of inspiration I have the books you have written I can go back and read. I especially love the Uncertainly Beautiful, I have so many pages marked and highlighted, which I often go back to reading. Thank you Mandy! My God Bless you each and every day!

  22. Ali
    June 20, 2016

    I am finally awakened! Thank you. Ali

  23. KC
    June 20, 2016

    You nailed it with this post, Mandy! In my last relationship, it seemed like every time my ex and I would grow closer, he would take a step back. I always thought it was because he was “scared” or overwhelmed with this feelings, so I would give him the space he needed, and he would come back around. Truth is, he never loved me and never would love me because it was just too hard (his words). We broke up over a year ago, and those words still remain in my mind to this day. Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it today. I will never wait around for someone to love me ever again!

  24. Jasmine
    June 20, 2016

    I am now in this same situation. I wonder is it because I cannot let go or I don’t want to ket go.

  25. Mayra Mendoza
    June 20, 2016

    Wow, mandy, i never looked at it that way.. I spend ten yrs loving this person, waiting for him to love me the same way i loved him, yes i married him but it only lasted 2 yrs, i filed for divorce. And it was awful i loved this person knowing he never would change… but now i know never ever to settle for any less… And i have u to thank for that.. Thank u mandy,

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.#corinthians 13:4-8

  26. Kate
    June 21, 2016

    A great reality check for me this morning – thank you so much!

  27. Carole C
    June 21, 2016

    Mandy, I think you’ve been reading my journal! I finally broke it off once and for all two years ago and have never felt more free, more happy. Whether or not God brings someone into my life to love and accept me for who I am is not the point. Accepting and loving myself for who I am IS the point.

  28. June 21, 2016

    Thank you for this. I have a friend who was in an abusive relationship for 13 years, beyond what you can imagine. She left him three years ago but never fully let him go. She’s let his words to continue to control her and now she’s been moving back into his trap.

  29. June 21, 2016

    This is so true, Mandy. I’ve spent 4 years of my life on a guy who I don’t think ever truly loved me. It’s hard to admit, but you’re helping me see the truth. And the truth will set you free, right?!? Thank you!!

    • jamie
      August 5, 2016

      I spent 4 years on one guy and now nine on another. What a disgrace and failure! I feel completely used up and never want to let another man even get close to me again.

  30. Lelo
    June 21, 2016

    Hi I’m in a same situation. Been wth my bf for 4 years helped him through difficult situations and seemed we could always work things out, was cheated on more than 2 times and I forgave because I love him. Recently found out there is another girl on the side and I just cried and asked God “is this really he life u have for me” and I immediately shook my head. It’s hard coz I still love him, but if I go back again I know that it would mean I do not love myself

  31. Jmarie
    June 21, 2016

    This just saved my life….. Thank you

  32. Rita Flores
    June 22, 2016

    I am a 35 year old single woman. Never been married and no kids. This has been my life. Thank you for writing this and reminding me of what I already knew deep down in my soul. That place that aches and hurts that we all know too well. Blessings to all of us single women that get up and show up everyday.

  33. Wondering
    June 24, 2016

    I love the ending to this post! And it affirmed to me that I wanted to share my eight (ten…) years. Though in this case (don’t hate me), I was the one that may have been the “Mr. E.” — I think — I’m still confused. Flashback ten years when I met someone and we clicked. But almost immediately I knew I was stepping outside of God’s Will in order to pursue this relationship. (Actually the story should have ended right there…but it didn’t…because I put on “God blinders” due to so much wanting a relationship). I was (and still am) attracted to this person (though we haven’t spoken for a week now); but in terms of the potential for a healthy marriage…(and I say that for BOTH of us). He said over and over that he loved me; and you know what, I think I really did/do love him (but do I LOVE him like God would have someone love someone or do I love him because I want so much to intimately love someone…it feels SO wonderful…?). And too frequently either or both of us would treat each other in not very loving or considerate ways. But hey, it was love. The biggest reason why I could never commit to him fully was because of my need for stability…my need to trust…my need to feel safe and that the person into whose hands I was going to place myself would always try to make decisions based on that he was now my protector and provider. Also on my desperate need to believe that God would bless a union between him and me. I don’t know. Maybe He would have (as this person always demanded)…but for whatever reason (and I am SO ready to take the responsibility if I was wrong…) I never had a sense of peace about it (DARN IT!!!!!). So as much as I would tell this person I loved him, wanted to be with him, and even actually DID commit to him so many times (and then pulled back)…I never went “all the way” and make that final commitment (due to the reasons mentioned above). And I feel terrible for going on and on for these many years. We both tried to “let go” many times; and I think for some of the reasons you stated, Mandy, neither one of us were able to stay away for very long. But it was unfair. So for WHATEVER reason, don’t hold on (or allow another person to hold on) if you are not sure that it will be a situation to which you can commit. Don’t hold on for the sake of holding on and having that person to say “I love you” to or have say “I love you” to you or to go out with or have dinner with or share life with — even though I believe ultimately that is what we were fashioned to have. Let God be the “fashion designer”. (Yet I have to share with you all that as it’s been only a week, I am still hoping that God will “do something” in this time apart…it really stinks…but my hands — and my texts, and my phone calls, etc. — have to be OFF at this point. Because I don’t want to be a “MRS. E.” anymore… (I love you all for being “out there” — and Mandy for giving us the gift of this safe and much-needed forum in which to share).

  34. H
    June 24, 2016

    So glad I just stumbled upon this website today. It was really one of those moments where after you read it, you think, “how did she know that was going on in my own life?” I just ended a very complicated relationship that I knew I shouldn’t have gone into but I did it anyways. He said he loved me but I was in too deep to realize how much he didn’t mean it when he said those sweet things to me. I’m excited to start this new chapter of my life where I can embrace being single and I can learn what makes me happy.

  35. Mixhelle Marie
    June 28, 2016

    Love is worth fighting for (it’s not always easy) but there had to have been mutual love to begin with

  36. Mayra
    June 28, 2016

    As I read this blog today I couldn’t help but laugh…but let me explain. Not because the content was comical but rather because that thought process sounded a little to familiar. I went as far as to help him seek professional help from one of my dearest friends. Her answer was a simple laugh with a “run, he doesn’t need therapy….he simple does NOT want to commit”. Even then I thought I could help him, after all I am sure a lot of us believe that we are the exception the woman they will one day wake up and realize they truly love and who will ultimately make the difference. Just like many of us, I was wrong. It has been in my darkest hours that I have found is God’s way of occupying me with the things that really matter. Some of it is hurtful but I must admit it took chaos in my life for me to understand that I needed to focus on me, what I wanted, my dreams. Something that I always seem to lose sight of when my Mr. E walked in back into my life. Lets hope this time I learned the lesson 🙂 and ladies….lets try to stop making excuses for the truth we already know.

  37. […] ♥ Mandy Hale: Why We Cling to People Who Don’t Love Us […]

  38. […] Source: thesinglewoman.net […]

  39. Richie
    July 14, 2016

    over the years one thing i have come to find out is words are’nt enough… girls will do what they want and guys too… your words are great thanks for taking out time. http://richie4ete.blogspot.com/2016/07/forgotten.html

  40. Mary
    July 17, 2016

    I got in this blog looking for some single group blogs to search for the left unspoken words or maybe to look for a certain group that will make me jump into a new things i have never tried before to start again with my life. But God, this blog entry of yours slapped me so hard yet so good. and yes, we were too blinded and scared to acknowledge the truth because we were so scared to face the truth. The truth that he run and not faced me was because his feelings was hard to handle because that feelings are not that intense as i have for him. Ladies,let’s embrace it “Love makes itself known, and it makes itself clear.. never settle for less than we deserve.

  41. Faye
    July 31, 2016

    I was with this guy on and off for 6 years. Last year I told him I was done with him. He agreed done was best. 10 months later he contacts me and I agree to see him. I spent time with him for 4 weeks. I found put he had gone back to his ex girlfriend. He said he had no where else to go. He said he wished he never met her. Well to make a long story short I found put he married her two months before he contacted me. I felt so used and humiliated. I told him off and contacted his wife to let her know that I didn’t know they were married and he contacted me. I sent her text messages he sent me. She still blamed me to.start with but told me she forgave him because God forgives. I told her that if someone loves you they don’t cheat on you. She said she knows he was a cheater when she married him. I told her that God does tell us to forgive bit also tells.us not to be a fool. I feel sprry for her.

  42. bernie
    August 3, 2016

    this is so me……letting go of someone whom you hoping that one day they will appreciate you. someone who is just there but not saying anything, its hard i am praying about it and i can feel the pain going away cause i cant just sit and hope. stop saying ‘he means well” its all in actions.

  43. Hill M.
    August 3, 2016

    Thank you thank you so much. As much as it hurts to come to this realization, seeing it written bluntly-yet-eloquently somehow clicked. Everything you wrote, I have admitted to myself at one time or another…but I still clung on to that little hope that I was “the exception.” I know I’m not. I’ve imagined how wonderful things would be if they turned out the way I’ve prayed 5 years for them to, but I finally accept the truth. It only hurts more the longer you go on begging someone to see what you see. What “could” be; what “might” be…thank you for helping me realize that there’s nothing wrong with me- I just fell in love with someone who has let me know he cares and “has love” for me, but that doesn’t truly love me. Very empowering.

  44. Angie
    August 6, 2016

    I finally figured this out just a few months ago after 7 years. Told him that I needed to move on so I could be open to receive other blessings from the Lord. He wasn’t exactly happy about it, but what does he have to be upset about? We haven’t had an actual friendship in over a year. He would just keep me at bay. I do feel guilty about sometimes, just dropping him. We said we would always be there for each other but you gotta do what you gotta do.. You gotta do what the Lord wants you to do.

  45. Wenda
    August 6, 2016

    This is making me cry, I’m in this right now, I’ve devoted myself to a man who doesn’t love me. The biggest problem is that he wants me in his life so badly he’ll chase me, get mad when I stop talking to him, tell me I mean so much to him, but he just ‘doesn’t feel that way and can’t help it’. He’s stuck on a woman who left him 3 years ago who still strings him along – he doesn’t see anyone else. I want to and don’t want to cut things off – it’s such a dark void I’m facing without him & he’s in such a bad place I feel horrible abandoning him, but I really am awesome – cool, caring, great in bed, loving, understanding, patient, and I’m never going to find anything real while I’m stuck on him. He thinks I’ll find someone and ‘he’ll be there, happy for me’ but how?? I don’t even know how to disconnect from him let alone meet someone new. How did I let this happen?

    • Cordieks
      August 13, 2016

      U r in my thoughts when I speak to my Father. Be strong! The tide will turn. Always does.

  46. Leila
    August 6, 2016

    “When someone shows you how they feel…or don’t feel about you…believe them.

    If they love you, they’ll act like it. If they’re not acting like it…they don’t love you.”

    “And if they have the desire to run when you come around, it isn’t because their feelings for you are so intense, they don’t know how to handle them. It’s because they don’t know how to handle telling you that their feelings aren’t all that intense.”

    This whole post is so right on, Mandy–thank you! Someone earlier in the comments asked if she could ask God to (essentially) take it all away, and the answer is, YES. He can and will absolutely remove from our minds and hearts that which should never have been there in the first place–but you have to ASK. You have to invite Him in; He’s not going to take over your free will. You have to speak to Him, i.e. pray.

    Someone pointed this out to me recently, when I believed that since God is all-knowing, it followed that He should automatically understand that “obviously I don’t ever want to be in pain, so therefore please help me.” But she insisted that until I ASK Him for what I need, it will not come. And so I prayed. It was simple but sincere (and came at a point of desperation by myself one night): “God, please heal my heart. Please forgive me and help me forgive myself. I’ve been trying to do this on my own, but I just can’t. I need Your help. So God, please, please heal my heart. Take these feelings away and help me see myself the way You do, please help me love myself again. Thank you.” Over and over, with tears streaming down my face.

    And you know what? It worked. In a very short time, I actually began to feel better than I had in months. Over the next few weeks, I repeated my prayer when needed, and help/relief always came. It’s the only thing that has continued to work. And these days, I almost never have to say it anymore, because I finally feel mostly healed. Thank You, God!

    I truly hope that others experiencing the intense suffering that I went through might also benefit from the act of praying. I never before understood what “surrender” really means, but definitely experienced it that night. I had to let it go; and laying down my burden turned my life around.

    So if you are hurting, pray. He loves you and He really is listening; He is only waiting for you to let Him in.

  47. becca
    August 11, 2016

    LOVE this Mandy so true I have always said to myself actions speak louder and I have that quote on my pinterest board ”if they act like they don’t care believe them”

    So important to never settle for less than you deserve x

  48. Cordieks
    August 13, 2016

    I’m so tired of all his lies… And quite frankly I’m tired of always feeling tired. It’s feels GREAT finally being able to type it in words. To finally see it. This makes it real!!!!

  49. Patty
    August 16, 2016

    Thank you…….you’re right on point

  50. Tori
    August 22, 2016

    This post is perfect, i have been searching for answers all night. I have been searching for someone who had a similar story to mine. I have known this guys for almost five years, we started out as friend then feelings got involved. Long story short he got married and then divorced 6 months later this past year. Since then we got close again and my feelings got stronger, and he plays this sick game with my emotions and never giving me a direct and clear answer on his intentions lately. I kept telling myself maybe he isn’t ready since he got married so young and now he wants to party and let go, he will come around. Now i feel embarrassed the more i put myself out there. I am tired of waiting on the magical day that he will wake up and see we were suppose to be together, its a lie i am telling myself. Now i am going to take an extra step and look deep inside of my heart, maybe i am afraid of being alone to light an old flame and put myself through this. I never had good luck with relationships and my past relationship was horrible, all i wanted to do was be single and now i feel like i am wasting my life away wishing for the perfect guy to come along swipe me off my feet. Unfortunately i have watched way to many romantic movies growing up putting this perfect idea of love in my head.

  51. Annie Fang
    November 28, 2016

    Wow Mandy, this article, it gave me CHILLS. If one of those things is certain, is you were meant to change my life. Those thoughts were/are my current thoughts. This is the second time around, and I found myself thinking maybe these thoughts aren’t right. It’s still hard for me to accept, I still think you might be part wrong. But the majority of me is starting to come around. Thank you so much.

  52. Melissa
    December 30, 2016

    thank you for this. 4.5 years with this man and I wish I would have found your blog sooner. All I can say is thank you and I pray that I am strong enough to be done for good.

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