Day 4: Your Biggest Fear as a Single Person
Re-reading some of the questions I came up with for this blogging challenge even makes me hesitate a bit and fight not to throw up walls – MAN! My biggest fear as a single person! That’s intense. And painfully honest. And I really want to deflect and say “Nah, I’m good! I don’t HAVE any fears as a single person!” But obviously that’s not true. So…here goes…
I would say that as far as my life goes right now, at THIS VERY MOMENT, I don’t have any pressing, imminent fears about my present. I’m very independent, I’m also a bit of a loner, and I value and cherish my alone time. I actually go crazy without my alone time, if I have several busy days in a row (as is the norm these days) or am traveling with my friends or family and don’t have an opportunity to decompress in the quiet peacefulness of solitude. I also have a pretty amazing life right now, even an extraordinary one…and I don’t take that lightly or for granted in the least. HOWEVER. That said. I’ve got my present covered, but what about my future and giant question mark that it is? The truth is…I’m not going to be in my 30’s forever, my single friends ARE likely going to all eventually get married and move on with their lives, and I don’t want to wake up one day even in the midst of what I consider to be a blessed life and find that in the pursuit of the extraordinary, I completely missed out on the ordinary. The great big beautiful joy of the ordinary: Carpools. Baking cookies with my kids. Game nights with my husband and our friends. Changing diapers. Fighting over the remote control. PTA meetings. Having a hand to hold, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live. I want that…every bit of it. I’m not overwhelmed with all-consuming longing for it, as I genuinely like and appreciate my life; but I really, really want a husband and kids and a family of my own someday, and all the many goods and bads and ups and downs and highs and lows that come with it. Most days I wake up confident that I will one day have all that. But other days, as each passing season turns into the next…and another birthday comes around, finding me another year older…and the news reports tell me with increasing urgency how it’s more likely for me to get struck by lightning than find love or carry a child at my age…THOSE days, I feel scared. And alone. And uncertain.
As always, with every scared and alone and uncertain moment in my life, I hand it all over to God and trust Him to work it all out for me. I know He sees the big picture while I’m stuck in the details of it all. I know that it is not God’s intent for any of us to wander the planet alone, so I know in my heart that if a husband is not in my future (I will find a way to be a mom, regardless), He has a bigger and better plan for me. A plan filled with ordinary AND extraordinary moments. Maybe not the plan or the moments that I would have handpicked for myself, but neither would I have necessarily handpicked a life as a somewhat public figure…but that’s what I got anyway! And that’s turned out better than I could have ever imagined. So my advice to you is this: Lean into your fears. Don’t run from them. Feel them. Sit with them. Validate them. Then let them go and trust that God’s plan is best, however much it might line up with or deviate from your plans. How do I know this? Because as He says in one of my very favorite scriptures: “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Doesn’t that just make you feel SAFE?
It’s nice to know that all I have to do is take care of the present, because God’s got the future and all of its many uncertainties covered.
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