Where I’ve Been. Where I Am. Where I’m Going.
Some of you may have noticed I haven’t been tweeting or blogging or posting on social media in general as much (or at all. My blog sadly hasn’t been updated since March until today and my Facebook page went largely neglected as well). Some of you might not have missed me at all. But I have missed you…and it took me essentially vacating my spot as “The Single Woman” for a few months and then coming back to it to really realize how very much I missed you. You all think that I inspire you and I give you hope and courage with my words and the truth is, you do all that (and more!) for me. And I think I took it for granted a little bit. Actually, I don’t think I took it for granted as much as I didn’t feel worthy of it.
I’ve blamed my hesitation to write and blog and tweet and post over the past few months on “burnout,” as I went from one book launch last August (for my first book The Single Woman) right into a second book launch this past March for my second book, I’ve Never Been to Vegas but My Luggage Has. And I also spent most of the month of March on the road on a whirlwind book/speaking tour that took me from NYC (where we endured a major snowstorm) to LA (where we lived through LA’s most powerful earthquake in 20 years. True story.) And I even finally made it to Vegas with my luggage…but left there with a lot more baggage than I arrived with (more on that later). So I was definitely exhausted by the time my toes touched Tennessee soil again in mid-April. But there’s more to the story than that. A lot more.
In short, beautiful readers…I felt like I failed you.
I’ve just come through a season of life in which I was profoundly disappointed in myself. A season of floundering. A season of uncertainty and even darkness. One in which I hurt people and let people down and made wrong decisions and forgot who I was for a little while. I even spent a brief amount of that time (two months) “in a relationship”…at least according to Facebook…but sadly, the actual relationship never lived up to the hype created by me changing my relationship status. (A LOT more on that later. I promise.) Due to my overall discontentment with love and even my life in general, I began to feel as though I had no right to speak into yours. So I pulled back. I stopped sharing with you. I built up walls of defense around my heart and my life. And cut off from my creativity and the light that you guys bring into my world every single day, I began to wither like a flower in need of water.
Then a few weeks ago, I ended that ill-fated relationship, and once again became ‘The Single Woman’; not just in name but in reality. And in spirit. The cloud lifted. The sun began to peek through, slowly at first, then more with each passing day. I began to find my voice again. My fingers found my keyboard again. And here I am, standing before you, a little more broken but a LOT more open…and it has finally hit me. I can stop trying to be “perfect” for you guys. I can stop beating myself up because I’m not a spotless, flawless example of what a single woman SHOULD look like. And I can start being myself with you again: Imperfect and flawed and completely fallible as I am. I don’t know why I ever forgot that. I’m not a self-help guru. I’m not a pastor. I’m not a counselor. I’m simply me, a single woman, the same as you, who struggles and cries and overthinks and gets angry at God and makes wrong decisions and chooses wrong people. We’re in this thing together. Forgive me for forgetting that.
I am no longer where I’ve been. I am not yet where I’m going. I am somewhere in-between; not still the caterpillar but not yet the butterfly. I’m in the becoming…and I’m starting to see that in some ways, the becoming is even better than the being. It’s where the change happens. It’s where the bravery happens.
It’s where the magic happens.
This is my first blog in four months and I hope it is the start of a deeper and more vulnerable and REAL and authentic look at the life of a 30-something single woman. I hope it sparks a new conversation between us – one in which I might not always have some deep, meaningful lesson to add to. Some days I might just tell you about my day. Or ask you about yours. Or complain about boys. 🙂 But whatever we talk about, I promise not to retreat again just because I am struggling. This time around, I plan to invite you into the struggle with me, as I have a suspicion that my struggles might just be the same as yours.
Because as I’ve said a million times before…
We are ALL The Single Woman.
I love every single one of you to infinity,