It Should Kill You, But It Doesn’t.

Lonely Girl

The following is an excerpt from my new book Beautiful Uncertainty.

It should kill you, being told you’re not loved.

It should kill you but it doesn’t.

It feels like it’s going to.

In the silence, after words like that drop their weight onto your heart…all you can do is struggle to draw a breath and pray that life will somehow magically rewind to the moment before the person you loved and trusted most in the world said them to you.

But it doesn’t.

In the long, impenetrable stillness, after words like that are spoken…you stare at the one across from you in a desperate attempt to recognize a glimpse of the person you know and love. Instead you find staring back at you the cold, removed gaze of a stranger.

What about all the laughter? All the tears? All the passion? All the joys? All the pain? All the years? All the kisses? All the history? Where is it all now? The years of pulling and pushing and forgiving and forgetting and fighting and loving? Has the story been rewritten? The pages ripped out? Who changed the ending without telling you? How could this possibly be the final scene?

“I’m not in love with you.”

“I’m no longer attracted to you.”

“I don’t want to be with you.”

Words spoken with the precision and steel of a blade being thrust into your chest. And isn’t that what each sentence like that is? A slash to your heart? Until the blood and tears run together and you’re blinded by the pain and you can no longer remember what it feels like to be whole?

It should kill you…but it doesn’t.

Instead it leaves you wounded. Flattened. Broken.

But alive.

Curled up in a ball on the floor, but alive. Isn’t it odd how great joy and great pain both draw tears from your eyes? How love and loss both take your breath away? Such a thin line between hurt and hope. Between tragedy and triumph. Between sorrow and strength.

It should kill you…but it doesn’t.

Instead, it leaves you stronger.

It’s a strength you didn’t know a week ago. An hour ago. Five minutes ago. You didn’t ask for it. You’d gladly give it back if you could. But you can’t. It’s yours. An unyielding and unapologetic gift given to you by the one who also just finally…FINALLY…handed you the gift of closure.

Not closure by death. Closure by LIFE. New life. One without him in it.

For every chapter that ends…another begins.

Your life with him is over. With the slash of his words, the invisible cord that always seemed to bind you to him is finally severed. Your heart feels vacant, but at peace. And what is that flash of SOMETHING you feel underneath all the pain? Something bordering on…relief?

This slashing, this cutting, this severing, this emptying, this hurting, this bleeding…

It should kill you, but it doesn’t.

Instead it sets you free.

Beautiful Uncertainty will be released on Feb. 2nd. Preorder now & download the first two chapters + my Guide to Letting Go & Moving On FREE.

180 Responses to “ It Should Kill You, But It Doesn’t. ”

  1. Samke Maphumulo
    October 22, 2014

    I feel like hell….

    • doggiemom
      October 23, 2014

      This is so, so perfect. I remember driving away with the line “it feels like we are more like good friends” ringing in my ears but knowing that time would eventually start to heal the pain…as this was not first time my heart was broken into a million pieces. Yes, crazily a small sense of relief that there was nothing else I had to do or prove.

    • Eiteen Anne
      October 25, 2014

      “I’m not in love with you.”

      “I’m no longer attracted to you.”

      “I don’t want to be with you.”

      This is exactly he said to me few days ago
      its hurt to know that someone you trust and love so much will say like that.Leave me with empty promises and lies.I cried till
      my tears dry.My heart aches so badly…

    • Mandy Hale
      October 27, 2014

      You will get through it, friend. I did. Keep going. xoxo

    • Ellen Caughman
      October 31, 2014

      This is where I’m at in life right now… It is so hard to see the bright future ahead with the pain I feel. Thank you for your blog and words of inspiration…. Nice to know I’m alone

    • Jane
      November 3, 2014

      Thank you for this blog, Mandy. I am in an incredible amount of pain and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone eat or do something like watch tv (it seems everything reminds me of the person I am trying so hard to let go of). I may not have accepted that things have ended between us yet… what to do now? I have been asking myself for the past two days since it happened… what do I do now? I don’t know what to do. If anyone has advice, I would really love to be in contact. I don’t have any friends or family locally so I am very alone in this.

    • A. P
      January 19, 2016

      The pain is unbearable and indescribable….yet this article rings true ..the feelings of one’s heart. Crushed by the pain..numb with those awful words echoed in one’s face…
      But we have to wait on time to heal the broken heart..even broken crayons find a way to write.

    • mrose
      January 20, 2016

      For now, I’ve cried it all out. Enough pain.It’s part of the past. I know the lessons it thought me.
      I cannot give-up on life, else the kids will suffer. He isn’t the sole reason for my existence.
      This life is a gift, I shall live it well.
      There are lot that we could enjoy and give to the world.
      I am still alone. But not lonely- it’s actually liberating!!
      I know the sweetness of having a partner. But there’s peace, freedom and happiness in being single too”,
      All things pass even pain. Don’t focus on your loses but on all that u can be grateful for.
      We are meant for some thing more.

    • Paige Moser
      January 20, 2016

      All I can say is wow! This is exactly how it is. All of it needed to be said and felt.
      Thankful for you and your words that God gives you to tell people like me.

    • Marvelis
      January 20, 2016

      It’s been only 2 weeks and I feel like I’m drowning. No wedding had to move out my home wee got together and no relationship. I feel hurt humiliated and no one understands. I can’t just get over it. I constantly asking God why. I don’t understand how I waited 5 years for someone. Stayed faithful and then my x appeared and I felt like he was beyond what I prayed for. Then everything is gone.

    • January 20, 2016

      I could not have articulated my journey any better. From the moment I began reading, I felt you were writing my story. Can I say, while I sympathize and empathize, I am relieved to find the thoughts were not mine alone? Thank you. I eagerly await this release.

    • Dee
      January 22, 2016

      I can still hear him say ” it’s not because of all the weight you’ve gained…” Knowing damned good and well it was!!! And adding “Im not living here anymore and if you do I won’t be paying the bills” he didn’t want me to work and now I had to leave my $250,000.00 home because he decided to move in with some tramp… Little did I know it was one of my girl friends…. When I found out my heart was ripped out yet again……

    • Betsy
      June 26, 2016

      I remembered being told that I wasn’t good enough. That another person could make him feel better than I could ever. You described that perfectly. Thank you so much for putting what I was feeling into words. It’s been about a month since I was told that someone I spent 3 years of my life with, wants someone else. I have found some peace with myself and I used to be in that ball and feel so alone. When I was at my lowest, I didn’t know how I was going to survive this heart break. Now, I’m happy with the person I have become and I have him to thank for that. Thank you for letting me know I wasn’t crazy or alone when I felt like that.

  2. Janie
    October 22, 2014

    I’ve been literally pouring my eyes out because its literally what I am facing in my life right now, almost as if you wrote this just for me, I am still trying to figure out how I will get rid of this sting, the unbearable pain how to live because I don’t want to anymore, thank you for sharing this blog!

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      There is a great big beautiful purpose for your life. Hang in there, Janie.

    • Ramona
      October 23, 2014

      Keep your head up. I was married for 17 years, 4 beautiful kids. This coming weekend will be a year that I had to walk away from my marriage. It’s not easy, still hurts, still cry. It has made me stronger for my kids & for me. As hard as things may seem I still choose to be happy. It should’ve killed me but it didn’t. Wish you the best

    • October 24, 2014

      Janie, All I can say to you that IF you are under 30, it’s one of the worst, heart-breaking parts of relationships in life, 85% if not more ALL are DEVASTATED as such at LEAST ONCE in their 20-30’s but
      Remember THIS : There WAS LIFE B4 him/her and there will damned SURE be a BETTER LIFE AFTER!
      I swear this to YOU. And IF this hurt should befall you again in life, then you will be much better equipped to handle it the 2nd time around.in Minimum time. Life lessons can be very painful, however, You do come out the other side the BETTER FOR going through it.
      When One door closes; wait for the breeze to come through the window that has just been opened, (like spring cleaning in a way)Air out the bad vibes/karma. whatever you associate with it! Anytime we have a chance for a new beginning, be it from a loss by death, break-up, moving, (college) ,etc. and it MAY be Scary, Face these fears head on and ShOot for the moon in all you do, because even IF you fail, you still fall among the stars~
      Head up, shoulders back and go forth in WHATEVER YOU WANT FROM LIFE ,WITH THE FIRM ATTITUDE that this HAPPENED WHEN IT WAS MEANT to be!

      Have a Meaningful/ fun, joyus LIFE!

    • tammy
      October 24, 2014

      Being 3 weeks it still hurts wish I could stop hurting. I now know and can understand why some people die of a broken heart. Wish the pain would go away

    • Crystal muncey
      October 24, 2014

      I went through the very same thing two years ago on the 22ND of October I will never forget that day when my husband of 16years told me he didn’t love me no more and walked out of my life with a 24 year old girlfriend. Me and my two children was speachless. But hold your head up dear friend you are so much stronger then what you give yourself credit for. You will find your strength and when you do you will make a whole new chapter for yourself. The pain will get easier but you will always remember. Good luck you can do this.

    • Sheila
      October 24, 2014

      No one can convince you that you will get over this horrible feeling. BUT when my husband told me after almost 16 years of marriage he wanted a divorce I was beyond devastated. I lost an extreme amount of weight from not eating. My once long thick hair was falling out by the handfuls from not eating. I almost lost my job from calling out because I couldnt get out of the bed. But listen to me when I tell you this…..YOU WILL BE OK!! You’ll be better than ok. You’ll find a new you that is amazing and strong and desirable. This isn’t going to end you. I am almost embarrassed for how I reacted. But it had to happen to be where I am now. I always thought no woman could ever love a man like I loved my exhusband. Now?? I forgive him but honestly I don’t really even like him. He moved and hasn’t seen his (our) children in 4 years. Just not a good person and completely unworthy of any years or sadness! Now…..cry until you can’t cry anymore, listen to everyone’s advice but only take the parts that empower you. One day you’re going to look back and not even remember the sad girl you are right now. Fake it to make it until one day it becomes your reality. Chin up.

    • Glenda
      October 24, 2014

      I normally do not respond to post but this is part of who I am. How well I recall being in the same situation years ago and the pain that seemed unbearable. My children and I all slept in one room because they did not want me out of their sight in fear I would leave, also . What I did not realize until long after is, that often, we are better off after the fact. When you live with someone that doesn’t love you they have a way of putting you down and making you feel like there is something wrong with you, I assume to clear their conscience. You deserve better!! I would go to bed each night reading the Bible and one scripture always stood out. “Give thanks unto the Lord, for His love endures forever.” (I can’t remember the book/verse.) I never could understand why this scripture always stood out in my mind. What was I to give thanks for when my children and I were hurting so bad? Over a period of time, I realized that I had grown to be a stronger person, I wasn’t perfect in the marriage but I was not the one that cheated and that I deserved better. May God give you peace as you grow to become a stronger you!!

    • ellen
      October 24, 2014

      Youre not alone keep strong

    • Kate Saunders
      October 26, 2014

      It will get better sweetheart, I never thought the surging feeling of loss and rejection would ever leave me, but it does ease with time. Don’t try to fight it, even though you wish the world would end right now. It can take a very long time but it will get easier, and you’ll gradually start living again. Trust me, I’m 4 months in to my world ending, and I’m smiling more
      often than crying now. You’re stronger than you think xx

  3. October 22, 2014

    I really needed that.Got dumped two days ago…It hurts,but I’m Alive.

    • darice
      October 26, 2014

      I JUST got seperated after 25d yrs! What hurts the most my kids r siding with him. If u ever want to talk contact. If not…you not alone!

  4. October 22, 2014

    “Curled up in a ball on the floor, but alive.” I felt every word from this blog touch home. Becoming engaged exactly a year ago and finding myself now single and sometimes so alone. BUT yes, I felt relief in the most unexplainable way after I broke off our engagement. Mandy, it hurts so much, but my heart reassures me in the most beautiful way with every moment of laughter, of tears, of dreams come true, every moment he is not experiencing with me… that he is better off where he is- WITHOUT me. That he deserves to be without me. Becuase, I’m the one worthwhile. I gave him my all. I have no regrets. I lived, I loved, and I will Love again. And I now look forward to it… 🙂

  5. October 22, 2014

    By the way, I wish your blog had a CHAT NOW section… Lol. Mandy, I’m glad you got your closure. Although painful, you’ll see how worthwhile it will be in the end.

  6. Tiffrbug
    October 22, 2014

    Well written. Keep the door closed and keep on trekking forward with Jesus. Never letting my Mr. Heartache come back for another chance to reject me, and I hope you don’t either. We all deserve better. Thanks for sharing your story. Praying double for your trouble!

    • darice
      October 26, 2014

      My marriage ended after 25yrs recently. Anybody want a broken friend…im here.

  7. Refilwe Mrwebi
    October 22, 2014

    Oh wow this just defined exactly what I am going through at the moment, these words just keep on playing on my head “It should Kill you but it doesn’t”

  8. Wounded, but alive
    October 22, 2014

    This is beautifully written! Your words make tangible the whirlwind of emotions felt when one endures this kind of pain.

  9. Paulette
    October 22, 2014

    Thanks for reminding me that I survived.

  10. October 22, 2014

    I love you Mandy. This is devastatingly Beautiful. I know all about the things that were suppose to kill me but didn’t. I may not know much but I know I’m not dying..

  11. Kimberli
    October 22, 2014

    This post spoke volumes to me. My boyfriend just ended it for a younger and better love leaving me and the kids alone! I hurt! I am suffering, but I’m finding peace in the loneliness and despair. I am being a good mommy and I have found Jesus! That release will give me relief!

  12. Julie
    October 22, 2014

    This so very true… With all the pain & hurt It was like it was the end. I thought I would never recover. Thought it was going to kill me, but it didn’t. I became free!

  13. Shelly
    October 22, 2014

    Your right Mandy. It didn’t. Two years out and I feel more alive than ever (albeit single, smarter and sexier)! You are throwing out light and Love…a wonderful thing ! Good for you! Good for all ! ~Shell

  14. Linda Xavier
    October 22, 2014

    You have put words to my experience 8yrs ago…beautifully said. It should’ve killed me but it didn’t! It’s took years and Christ’s healing to undo all the wounding! But there’s hope….not in any other but in Christ Jesus!

  15. Naomi
    October 22, 2014

    I just said my last last goodbye 10 days ago. For nine years I dated a guy, I dreamed of our future, I loves and learned about love… Then it happened. He said he loved me but he wasn’t in live with me. That was 2.5 years ago. And I have dragged myself through the last couple of years. There have been mini triumphs but many flailing a and failings. But here I am 34 years old and completely cut off and moved away from my past. I don’t know if I feel stronger yet but I feel something akin to peace. I still hope for hope but peace is nice. Thank you for this blog.

  16. Courtney
    October 22, 2014

    This literally gave me chills and made me cry becuase of its truth.
    Beautiful.

  17. Courtney
    October 22, 2014

    This literally gave me chills and made me cry because of its truth.
    Beautiful.

  18. October 23, 2014

    So accurate, that feeling is so familiar. Its a feeling that we spend the rest of our lives hoping never to feel. Your person changes overnight like someone entirely else has consumed them. Its a feeling i would never wish on anyone ever. I liked the part where u said i will never kill, it will make us strong, well it most certainly did. I also wrote my experiences on http://tatatainment.mywapblog.com/ …..great piece there Mandy!!

  19. Arlene
    October 23, 2014

    This just what I needed. I tried to put my feelings into words but just couldn’t seem to express myself.
    You have just done that for me. So aptly and ingeniously. A confirmation that I’m not alone with my heartbreak as well as a reminder that I’m still alive and freeeeeee. Yesssss.
    Thank you Mandy <3

  20. Christine D
    October 23, 2014

    I have never felt freer!!!! So difficult, but so worth it. I feel like I have a new lease on life and everything is going to be fine.

  21. JK
    October 23, 2014

    So, when does the pain end and freedom begin? I’m still heartbroken-five months ago my heart was shattered after two years. I feel unloved and alone. I was diagnosed with depression and am struggling daily. I’m waiting for the day I feel free.

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      Try as hard as you can to focus on the positive in your life. Make lists of things every day that you’re grateful for. Make plans so you have things to look forward to. The more you can surround yourself with happiness…the sooner it will start to infiltrate your soul. Praying for you.

    • Katherine
      October 24, 2014

      JK, everyone’s journey will be different so don’t feel as if you’ve missed any deadline 🙂 it took me eight months to start feeling alive again and after a year I can say that I am happy. What helped is therapy (I have chronic depression), prayer, family and regaining independence. Do for yourself the things he used to do and slowly but surely that wound will heal. God bless xxx

    • Birdy
      December 20, 2014

      I know it’s hard but it helps to remember that you can change your thoughts. The incessant dialogue that goes on in your brain, the self sabbatoge, the thoughts of loneliness, despair, feeling unloved, etc. All of the negative thoughts are of our own creation. They only exist if you actually make them real in your everyday life. You have a choice to take a bad thought and replace it with something positive. Do not let one person out of millions of wonderful people out there define your worth. The feelings you have of being alone and unloved will change when you decide that you are not alone (friends, family, co-workers, strangers you meet) and that you have all of the love you will ever need right inside of you. When you love yourself as much as you love another. When you decide to not be a victim but instead a victor in your own life. You will come to these realizations in your own time and at your own pace. You have to go through it all to come out the other side a stronger person. You have to love yourself. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make you feel loved. If we allow that to be someone else’s responsibility then we will always risk having it taken away when they leave. If we love ourselves it can never come and go. Find the silver lining. There is someone better for you out there. The person that left did not love you anymore. You’re free now to meet the person that will love you the same way that you love them. When you feel happy again it will attract the right person to you. Like attracts like.

  22. amber
    October 23, 2014

    if I knew how awesome my life would be post-divorce, I wouldn’t have shed all those tears……:)

  23. Corrina
    October 23, 2014

    Beautiful… simply, raw & beautiful ♥

  24. Trish
    October 23, 2014

    This. Post. Is. Everything. I know what it feels to hurt so deeply that you wish it would kill you so that you could stop hurting. But like you said, 4 years later, I’m alive and stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. I accomplished so much in 4 years by just focusing on myself and not somebody else’s emotions and issues which should’ve never been my burden to carry. And you’re right. I’m relieved. And happy. And single. And accomplished at my job. And bought a new car and got a new apartment. And starting my own fashion label. There is life after love. Thanks so much for your words. You have a gift of healing. God bless.

    • Meena
      October 24, 2014

      Hi Trish, something about your post hit a nerve deep in my spirit and I would be thrilled to connect with you deeper. Do you have Facebook or a website? Would love to know your story… I went through what you’ve been through, a year ago I as cheated on, abandoned and left hopeless at which point I turned to Jesus. I have dreams hopes and desires far beyond what I’m feeling today, God is doing a great healing work in me and He is so good. Do you have a site I can see or anywhere I can connect online with you? 🙂

  25. Dawn
    October 23, 2014

    It felt like it was going to kill me. and then i do good and then i see him with someone else and the pain starts fresh. I just today realized how much i was holding back on my own life, moving on, dating, because i had a hidden hope in my heart he would change his mind, he would want to be a family with me and our son. I realized today that i’m wasting my life on “what ifs, if onlys, should haves, could haves” and its time for me to start putting myself out there and in the dating scene. *gulp*. Im scared to death. Scared of being vulnerable and getting hurt; scared of guarding myself soo tightly that i wont open my heart to possibilities.

    But yes, the cord is cut. and I had to cut it, in my own mind, in my own heart. He did..he is moving on…its my turn to allow myself to finally do the same. Wish me luck and Gods blessings!

    • Aurea
      October 23, 2014

      It so good to be able to read this. Because I am still holding on hoping that person will change their mind. I have not been able to let go but yes 9 months later I am still alive and wanting to move forward as well and continue living but it’s hard. I don’t know where to begin.

    • October 23, 2014

      I with you the best! I understand and sympathize with your loss. You will become stronger and rise above the situation.

    • LeAnna
      October 23, 2014

      I wish you the blessings you requested. I have been where you are and although I didn’t / have not started to date or see other people. I have finally let go. Married for 15 years and in love with him I realized more then my love was needed for it to work.

  26. melanie
    October 23, 2014

    Such a powerful way to put how heartache feels. Completely accurate and compelling. Thank you for giving my feelings a voice 🙂

  27. jean
    October 23, 2014

    This is so true…leaves you vacant but under all the pain, there is strength.. Strength that comes from letting go and moving forward. Thank you for sharing this.

  28. Diana
    October 23, 2014

    I so wanted to just roll in a ball and then turn to dust….it took a year…but you are right I am stronger now

  29. Maria
    October 23, 2014

    Great article. Very true. My ex and I broke up after thirteen years, two kids, two dogs, a home, we were high school sweethearts. I miss him. We were toxic for one another. I still love him. I hurt a little everyday. And it didn’t just end, we got back together, he had girlfriends, I had a boyfriend. He was still trying to get back in, I was as well. And now we don’t even.talk at all, not even about the kids. My family, my best friend. I mean I know it takes time, and we’re better off. I just can’t kick the heart wrenching feeling of “what if” what if we got counseling, blah blah. I am stronger everyday, I will say that. Don’t give up. Give yourselves alone time. And learn to love you! Sorry for my novel!

  30. Shala
    October 23, 2014

    This really describes how it feels so perfectly. I recently went through a broken engagement. It was devastating and it’s been a very slow healing process.

  31. ash
    October 23, 2014

    I know this feeling all too well!
    It has been 9 months since the father of my children who I was with for 8 years decided he no longer loved me and did not want to be a family anymore. I struggled for 6 months with depression trying to find my way again while he had already found someone else who has her own daughter.
    it felt like I was going to die and I was failing at everything especially being a mother until I found your books and your blog and in the past 3 months you have helped me so much mandy!
    You have helped me to get up off the ground and love myself and become a better person and mother than I ever was when I was with him and I thank you for that, you have no idea how much you have helped me!

  32. Phoenix
    October 23, 2014

    These words are so powerful and come for me at just the right time.

  33. Charlotte Fugate
    October 23, 2014

    This is just what I needed to read! Yesterday made 1 year since he torn out my heart and threw it away like you would trash. I woke up this morning and looked at myself in the mirror and realized I had been waiting! Waiting for it to not be true. Waiting for who knows! Then I looked myself in the eye and said…”Get for real girl”! Your life is not over!! It has just started a new chapter! So thank you Mandy for sharing your heartbreak to let me and other women know we will live! We are stronger for it! We are even loved!!

  34. Kathy
    October 23, 2014

    Just wish it would stop feeling like I’m still dying inside 2 years later.

    • Michelle Cordi
      October 24, 2014

      I totally understand. It’s been 2 years for me too. No part of it feels better. I don’t feel stronger. I just feel pain and longing for him to come back. And he won’t. I’m glad I’m not the only one.

  35. October 23, 2014

    This was timely and beautifully written. I’m in tears…but ALIVE!

  36. Holly
    October 23, 2014

    I cannot believe it didn’t kill me, although at one time I remember feeling dead, and thought I would feel that way forever. This is empowering, thank you Mandy

  37. Nicole
    October 23, 2014

    This is so beautiful!

  38. Maria
    October 23, 2014

    Today has been 3 years from the breakup with my boyfriend. We dated about 4 years and I thought he was going to be with me for always. I loved him very much. He broke my heart. I thought my world has come to an end but as time went by I realized that no dies from a broken heart. I learned to love myself again and appreciate all the things in my life. I’m happier now than ever.

  39. Melanie
    October 23, 2014

    Dawn I feel exactly the same way today. I feel like today I shut the door and locked it and will never open it again.
    I have been holding on for 3 years but with him constantly giving me false hope. Last week once again I get message out of no where about how much he misses me and has been trying to fill void of not having me and cant and I fell for it hook line and sinker and by Monday it had all changed so today I took the first step in healing and blocked him. I should have moved on with my life a long time ago and didnt. Well that ended today and I am ready to let the right person enter my life

  40. October 23, 2014

    I was married for 24 yrs and thought it would last forever. But it didn’t ….when my husband left me, I thought I would die, but I didn’t. I thought my life was over, but it wasn’t ….I thought I could never make it on my own, but I did. That was over a decade ago. I have become my own person. I like myself and have come to realize that I don’t need a man to complete me. I am quite happy living life on my own terms. I enjoy dating, but am not looking for commitment. I enjoy my family; kids and grandchildren ….life is good.

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      So brave, Pat. Thank you for sharing!

  41. Aaron
    October 23, 2014

    Every day I would tell myself I am getting better but then I see him with his girl friend and emotions come back. I see his face the day I begged to stay with and I saw the emptiness he had for me. Where did all the love and promises go. Betrayal, How do I completely get over it. I realized today I won’t get over it by I can put it behind me. I am free. I am single, A huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. O have a fresh start on a new life .

  42. G
    October 23, 2014

    This hit home. Hit that open wound he just left me. I told him that he looked so different. So cold. Something in him that was my path to him.. The part that was mine was suddenly gone. Those cold eyes cut the deepest. But when it all thaws out I do know that he freed me from what was never really mine because a real love is a forever my lovely type love.

  43. October 23, 2014

    I finally learned how to trust and love. I felt whole and secure. I found my soulmate. Then on Valentine’s Day I heard the words spoken, ” I’m seeing so and so now.” I have know sadness and hurt. I have known the loss of loved ones. Those words made me realize the losses that I had known through death of loved oneswere a totally different emotion than the loss of the person who spoke those words to me. Why? Because if you loose a person in death it is usually something they had no control over. When someone leaves, it is a choice. A conscious decision. That decision on the part of another made me realize I didn’t know what real loss is. I never knew my heart could hurt so bad. I never knew I could loos all sense of self, that the hurt I felt inside would effect me physically. I learned the difference between a permanent loss through death and a loss through the decision of another. One you learn to live with, the other you rise above. You grow, you become a better person and you learn you deserve someone better. Your eventual happiness shows the other person that you can live without them and be happy, that you aren’t permanently broken, that they were the one to truly loose. I learned there are better things ahead, to test myself kindly and love myself. I call my lessons successes and my happiness the best revenge. I know in time I will love again!

    • Irene
      January 19, 2016

      Wow Lisa, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that right now…I am going through a very painful breakup after 2 years of being with him. Thank you for those words, it is helping me believe that I am stronger than I think I am and how he did me a favor by breaking my heart. Thank you! 🙂

  44. October 23, 2014

    Its been a month since we broke and he has something new already. That was harsh because i loved him so much. And it really hurts me that he wont even answer my messages for him. And here i am.. Depressed, stressed and haggard.. And now my face full of acne.. And i dont know how to bring back myself.. To the old me.. Happy, confident, glowing.. But now i think its time to love myself back.. I know it would take months or years.. But i will try.. I know someone will walk into my life.. In God’s time.. Hope i will survive..

  45. Janett
    October 23, 2014

    Dont ever look back

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      AMEN!

  46. Crystal
    October 23, 2014

    Today would have been our 15 yr anniversary.
    Divorced almost 2 years and still find it hard to breathe most days.
    This came at the right time….as I was sitting here in the quiet of what used to be the house of our dreams, I prayed and thanked God for the Memories, our beautiful perfect children, and our time together.
    I love him…always will.
    I’m ready for my closure.

  47. Rosalie Cruz
    October 23, 2014

    This is a great poem, and I can relate ! 🙂

  48. October 23, 2014

    Mine didn’t even tell me goodbye. He just did not speak to me for months. Then one night he asked if he could come over & take a shower with me. Well good bye to him. When they only call @ night….hmmmm

  49. Timothy Ven
    October 23, 2014

    It’s not just women that feel like this. This is exactly how I felt Mothers Day when the woman I loved more than anything said those words to me

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      Thank you for sharing that, Timothy. I’m so sorry for your pain.

  50. AliciA
    October 23, 2014

    He is back after so long and I never thought he would ever love me again and now that I have what I wanted for so long I’m scared to death of it all. God please show me the way.

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      Please be very careful. Mine came back only to shatter my heart. Think twice…even three times…before you allow him back into your life. It shouldn’t take someone multiple years and multiple tries to realize they love you.

  51. Anne
    October 23, 2014

    I went through this. It was awful and took me a long time to move on. We were friends first. I listened to him talk about his divorce and his ex wife and how much he loved her and wanted her back. He listened to me talk about a break up. We were good friends and that went on for several years. Then he asked me to sleep with him. We talked about dating. We had sex then he said I was being too pushy, that he didn’t want to date just one woman. I was devastated. I had to see him in a work situation so I never was truly able to get away from him. I would leave work some days and scream at the top of my lungs all the way home till I was hoarse. I would cry till I couldn’t see the road anymore. I mused that if he ever saw me broken down on the side of the road that he should just keep going and not stop. He apologized. He wanted a second chance. I didn’t trust him. So it limped along for awhile as an uneasy friendship, mostly instigated by me until finally I had enough and broke off all contact. I don’t see him at work anymore so that made it easier, but that pain that I went through was the most devastating that I’ve ever experienced.

    • October 23, 2014

      You and I are living the same life! Good Luck to you and your new life! Know that you have a fellow female walking this path with you!

  52. Lisa
    October 23, 2014

    So beautifully said and so true! 33 years with someone.. I’m trying to learn to be on my own… So difficult.

  53. Jenny
    October 23, 2014

    I loved this but how long does it take you to feel free? To move on and get over it?

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      It’s different for everyone…but you have to allow yourself to go through a grieving process. It’s the only way to move on.

    • Christy
      October 24, 2014

      Jenny, just as you are a unique individual so will be your healing time. No one person will deal with loss the same way. When we lose someone who we loved and a relationship ends it is almost like a death. Who they were to you died when you heard them say they didn’t love you, they didn’t want to be with you, etc. You will have to go through the grieving process and do not be discouraged if you have setbacks. You may have a few good days and feel like you are moving forward but then have a few bad days; this is normal. I wish you comfort, peace and strength!

  54. Shannon
    October 23, 2014

    I think this is the best thing you’ve written. It is so true and just ….real. I love it.

    • Mandy Hale
      October 23, 2014

      Thank you. That means so much to hear, considering it was written out of immense pain. It’s nice to know the pain served a purpose. 🙂

  55. Neveah Brown
    October 23, 2014

    I haven’t heard from him in 4 months he didn’t tell me bye I don’t want to be with you or nothing. After our last conversation on the phone I text him but No response back via text phone call email nothing! It really hurt me. How could someone you love and trust and give your heart to be this way? I didn’t have any closure with our ended relationship. Abandonment and betrayal from the one whom I truly loved. I’m so broken on the inside my heart is still so wounded I feel like I don’t ever want to give myself to anyone like that again.

  56. LeAnna
    October 23, 2014

    This touches so many areas that are hard to express while you are going through it. Thank you for putting words to the hurt and pain so many are left with. I will keep this with me forevermore.

  57. Courtney
    October 23, 2014

    Mandy,
    Thank you for your words and your book. It really helped me when I was at my lowest. You are right. It feels like it is going to kill you but it doesn’t. I am stronger but not quite 100%. I still see my ex and the girl he left me for at work. He’s now engaged maybe even married. He took me to look at rings and broke my heart 2 weeks later and started seeing her. It was a big blow. It’s been about 1 1/2 years and I still have days. I am much happier and I know I will be fine.

    Thank you again 🙂

  58. Christi C
    October 23, 2014

    You’re right. Even though the pain was stabbing, there was also a scant amount of relief in knowing that at least there was finally an end to the madness he had caused me for too long.

  59. lerato
    October 23, 2014

    Mine just packed n left for another woman blocked me on every social contact I had but in a month things got bad n he emailed me wanting to explain on bbm,I told him to take a hike his karma screwd him n he must deal with it and leave me .I cried and sulked for 2 weeks max and I stood up n collected myself now dating a loving man miles away but wakes me up with a sweet message or call n we talk 4 long hours on the phone before we sleep

  60. R . Vanessa
    October 23, 2014

    If I had to go through my pain again to get where I am today wirh God, it was all worth it.

  61. Lisa
    October 23, 2014

    You just summed up the last 9 months of my life. Beautifully written, felt like it was written for me.

  62. Cheryl Lancaster
    October 23, 2014

    The hardest part is realizing he never loved me. He is incapable of love but is able to act well enough to portray it for his new in-laws who have money. He steps into the lives of our children when they are being publicly recognized but never wants to do the work. His new wife is protected in a way I never was…”because I love my wife”. Cuts like a knife

  63. Manuela
    October 23, 2014

    Your words are very poignant … It’s how many who are heartbroken feel but don’t have the talent to put it into words! Love lost tears your heart apart … I’ve been patching mine together for 2 years now and still have more healing to do. I hope one day I will be whole again.

  64. Lulu
    October 23, 2014

    It’s been a week now, it feels like a lifetime. It’s hard am still trying to pick up the pieces. It feels like I need to go to rehab cause sometimes I feel like I’m gonna loose it..I’m tempted to call him but I promised myself I won’t do it..it should have killed me but it did!! I’m taking it one day at the time and it is getting better.

  65. Joan D
    October 23, 2014

    In November of 2013, after 22yrs of marriage, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. After all those years of loving, taking care of him and our family I couldn’t fathom how he could just stop loving me. We were approaching the “empty” nest stage, had talked about things we would now do once our last child would graduate, which was in 6 months. I was stunned, scared, furious and yes I felt like I was going to die. Like I couldn’t go on. My daughter and I moved out 6 months before her graduation because I couldn’t afford to live in our home and he just let us go! Yes, I felt like I would die, but yet I didn’t. He has found someone new and is fighting me on the divorce, which makes no sense and again I felt like I would die and yet I didn’t. I wonder at my age how to go on, how to start over, I just have to trust in God to help pull me through. We will go to court in February and I wonder how I’m going to survive it and I feel like I will die, but I know I won’t. These words you wrote made me cry but also give me hope so thank you for reintegrating that I will survive.

  66. Christine
    October 23, 2014

    I read this just now and thought to myself “someone else totally gets it, I’m not the only one who feels this way”. But it’s true. Completely true. I have been told these things and absolutely floored and devastated and now that I finally stopped and took a breath and stepped back, I am relieved. Relieved that I’m no longer giving someone the power to push and pull me, to love me and hurt me seemingly in a never-ending cycle. And as the days go by, I realize how strong I am, how much more I deserve, and when I actually saw him just recently when HE pulled into somewhere I was already at and parked next to my car so I had no choice but to see him, I realized I’m ok! I made it. It didn’t hurt to see him. My heart didn’t get that little pang. I didn’t want to touch him. And I knew I finally finally made it. And I’ve met someone else recently, and am crazy about him and he treats me the way a woman should be treated. I realize I can love again. And I am worthy of being loved in return. Yes, what I once thought would kill me made me stronger, smarter and happier.

  67. Melinda
    October 23, 2014

    This so clearly puts into words the ultimate heartbreak so many, including myself, have endured. I was on my face begging God to please please hold my family together but he didn’t. It’s taken a long time but I know and look forward to the good God is bringing from the bad. The woman he is growing me to be. I still struggle and there are days God has to still carry me but now I am focused on letting Him change me and that is pretty exciting stuff! And she’s right there is freedom that comes as you move through the grieving. Praying for all of you!!

  68. October 23, 2014

    Married for almost 35 yrs. approx. 18 mos ago I was told the same things you shared. I hurt everyday. Everyday has it’s challenges. I tried to work and keep my mind occupied with other things, but at night pain drifts in with dreams , memories and nightmares. I don’t break down as often , but I keep waiting for it to quit hurting. There is always a part of you that wants to know why you cared more they did and why you never knew, you could have protected a piece of your heart instead of allowing yourself to be totally devastated. People say get on with your life and take care of yourself. When that person is essentially the biggest part of your life and you really never “just took care of self. How are you expected to get on ” with your life? Each day has been a struggle . Yes, in the past year, I have learned to deal with the loss, but that is all. How do you stop yourself from caring?

    • October 29, 2014

      Our marriage of 38 years ended today. I wish that I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow. I don’t know how to turn off the love either.

  69. jess
    October 23, 2014

    I needed to hear this its been almost a year he left me bt everyday it feels lyk he left yesterday Its hard for me to move on

  70. Relebohile Seephephe
    October 23, 2014

    “It should kill you but it doesn’t”,those words. This just brought tears to my eyes,someone who once declared their love for you acting so cold. I wake up everyday missing him. I pray everyday to God that i forget him,the pain is just too much.

  71. Taryn
    October 23, 2014

    This is so true, I’ve never seen it on paper but it’s exactly how it feels. Thank you for putting it into words. The pain and the strength that comes from the pain. When you feel like you want to lie down and never get up. I’m 6 months into the break up of my marriage due to my husband cheating on me for 16yrs…and no I wasn’t strong enough to leave….he left me. But after 6 months I am slowly feeling more and more human, slowly feeling stronger, slowly realizing I am worth much more and deserve so much better. For those of you who feel as if it’s all too hard and you’ll never recover, the pain recedes and gets easier to bear, it won’t go away for a long time entirely but you learn to put it aside.

  72. Melissa
    October 23, 2014

    Wow this really hit home…going on three years ago I experienced the same..I don’t love you and I haven’t been in love with you were the exact same words he told me…I literally thought my whole world was gone….and a few months later he came back and said he had made a mistake….I took him back thinking I was going to forgive and forget…but I didn’t and this time I was the one to say goodbye…it wasn’t me getting back at him it was me realizing that I oils gone on without me and that only made me that much stronger

  73. Poppy
    October 23, 2014

    Woooooow its as if u talking to me,I’m going through that and tnx Mandy fr the great Poem

  74. Jen
    October 24, 2014

    Truly empowering article – so much truth in it. We have to find ways that works best when dealing with heartbreaks and what works best for me is
    o embrace the pain. I allow myself to cry and feel the hurt. I listen to all the heartbreak songs out there and cry until I fall asleep. After I grieve, I force myself to accept because acceptance of the situation truly makes me free. I don’t suppress my pain like my other friends do because it takes a long time for me to move on if I do it. Embracing the pain and accepting the situation is the best for me. I hope it works for you too.

  75. Sam
    October 24, 2014

    Reading this piece and the comments has made me feel better. I love being a woman in cases like this cause we can relate with one another, we empower each other and we pray together.

  76. Nina
    October 24, 2014

    It’s really well written….all the emotions you feel during breakup and the pain afterwards

    Despite all that you know you survived….

  77. Bahia
    October 24, 2014

    I couldn’t have said it better! But you know what hurts the most .. the fact that no one around you understands the pain, the disappointment, the emptiness, the void that you try to fill with food, shopping, .. They do not understand that a simple “I can understand” would do.

  78. Dee
    October 24, 2014

    After 7 years, the three phrases you used, “im not attracted to you anymore, I dont want to be with you, im not in love with you anymore” is exactly what he said to me 11 months ago. I felt as though my heart wad being ripped out. But you are right. I found strethgh. And i am alive, and stronger.

  79. Zee
    October 24, 2014

    Thank you so much Mandy Hale….Your words have always been an inspiration…Has helped me realize that all this while i was crying for a person who treats me worse than a dog and gave me nothing but pain.. Even though he pushed me away..for months i tried to bring him back to me but now i realize..My life would have been ..a life of pain if i were to be with him…

  80. Ada
    October 24, 2014

    “It should kill you but it doesnt. Instead it leave you flattened, wounded and broken.” I really can relate to this. 2 years ago my life was a mess after my ex and I broke up. I felt like dying. So desperately tried to win him back. Did a lot of crazy things just to make things still work out but i failed. I was wounded and rejected by the one i truly love. I felt like dying each day. I felt so alone everyday without him. He became my world, my only happiness. It came to a point I slept beside my mom everynight because i felt the loneliness being alone each night. Silence kills me. Memories broke my heart into pieces. Til one day I realized I must end all of this stupidity. I realized that I don’t deserved chasing people. I decided to go out of the country. To work. To start a new life. New people and new surroundings. I left alone with hope that everything will be ok. I decided to pick all the broken pieces of me. I stood up and live on my own. And now living here for almost 2 years.. My heart is at peace. No worries. No more tears of broken heart. With the help of God and my prayers I was able to move on gradually. I became to know myself more. I learned how to love myself before loving someone else. But I chose Middle East so life here was focused by improving yourself. For almost two years, I wasnt dating. Still, sometimes I’m missing the feeling of being loved and cared. Im still single. Im scared to fall in love after being heart broken. When I see people being broken, I became being so sensitive. Sometimes I can’t hide my tears. Maybe, because I know the feeling of being alone, broken and flattened but still alive. Hoping that someday I would still feel the perfect love I felt before. The love that completes us from A to Z.

  81. Hazel eve ignacio
    October 24, 2014

    I’ve been reading your blogs since when i was in a relationship. So uplifting, women empowerment and true. And now i am experiencing this kind of tragedy. Its so hard,painful and “i dont know” i really cant describe the perfect word for what i feel right now. But when i read this. Somehow it gave me a hope to move forward and continue my life bec its not the end of the world. The pain is still there but i just chose not to. Thank you for this blog. You have touched so many lives.

  82. Selena
    October 24, 2014

    Sigh. exactly what I’m going through. He told me I wasn’t his everything and this was after months of me believing we loved each other equally. Now everything feels like a lie and such a waste of time. I loved him with every ounce of my being but it wasn’t enough. he even said he wanted to be friends but is now treating me like I don’t exist. Sigh. but you’re right. I am stronger and I’ll never return to a person who said what he said. Even at my worst I never said I wanted to see others or implied it. May God give us the strength to overcome such pain.

  83. Ms Jan
    October 24, 2014

    My ten-year marriage ended four years ago. I dated a few men after (& even had three wedding proposals), but none on them came even slightly close to my standards. I could settle for less but I refuse to! I’m independent, and I have a great career. They say fake it till you make it. For many years, I put on a mask to hide my discontent & intolerance.. And I’m so tired of this show – I give up! There’s no man out there for me – I will be “single” forever. That burns but I accept it! I’m not dead inside – in fact I have so much love to give. I have two wonderful children – I am not alone. God gave them to me as my purpose in this life. And that is more than enough. I’m so lucky to have them!

  84. Joyce
    October 24, 2014

    It took me 5 months of tears and denial before I cold muster the courage to walk away. After that I was broken, hurt, felt empty and depressed. Now 2 years later I can finally walk with my head held up high- I’m alive, smarter, stronger and free! Thank you Mandy- it should have killed me but it didn’t .

  85. Leslie
    October 24, 2014

    Mandy, i’m in pain and try to hurt my self, my body. It feels like i don’t want to live anymore and wanna end all this soon. When I know about your blog, i know that I’m not alone who faced this. Maybe I’m just weak, not like everybody else. But I’m trying to survive. The one that i love so much doesn’t want me to be with him. But he doesn’t want me to gone either. It makes me confused. Now I’m always reading your blog and try to find something that i can figure out what happen with me.

    • Mandy Hale
      October 24, 2014

      Leslie, you are NOT alone. But if you are really, truly feeling these kinds of feelings…please seek counseling immediately. PLEASE. Your life is so much bigger and more valuable and greater than ANY relationship. If you are really struggling with suicidal thoughts, please call 1-800-273-8255 and ask for help. They can point you in the right direction.

  86. Nondumiso
    October 24, 2014

    I can relly relate to this post, that is exactly how I felt last week……freedom>

  87. Jaysmita
    October 24, 2014

    I could see myself in these words..my life being unfolded..a new life which I am experiencing now..how wonderfully written..it has simply made me stronger..

  88. Carolyne
    October 24, 2014

    Nice piece,I must say there was a guy I loved with my all and thought I would never heal from the break up.Am so glad it happened coz I know I deserve much more and I realized am much stronger than I thought.I love your articles though I wish I knew about your blog earlier as u such an inspiration to me and am sure to many others.Though still single i know and believe there’s a guy out there for me..

  89. Michelle Oram
    October 24, 2014

    That moment.. Those words…my first thought was I don’t believe it. We’ve been together 20 years. We have 2 small children and you are leaving us because ‘your not happy’ what about our kids? ‘If I’m happy they will be happy too’
    OK let’s go to counseling I tell him…NO was all he said. It was like some one had shot me in the gut. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t speak, I felt like I’d stepped into someone else’s life. I vowed I wouldn’t I couldn’t give up. For six month I strove to become the women I thought he would want. Turns out he already had another women. One from his past, one from highschool, an old girlfrirend who had trouble in her own marriage who’d been ‘ helping him deal with his confusion’
    Long before he ever uttered the words,I don’t think I love you ,she has whispered ‘you don’t deserve to be unhappy for another 20 years. Reducing my marriage and my 20 year commitment to something that was tolerated,suffered through! He told me in a placating way that we had ‘a couple good years’ it was a slap in the face delivered by a man I no longer recognized, who words were harsh and strange. I found out about the other woman 6 month into our separation. My children 5&6 found out two weeks after their dad moved out. A ‘ surprise meeting ‘ at a park, this is my friend…..
    More meeting followed, sleepovers at her house, dinner movies, parties with OUR children. Shhh…don’t tell your mom YOU’LL upset her. 6 months of me trying to be strong and funny and supportive and understanding. Believing it was all my fault. After all I had a chronic illness,I had just had a hysterectomy 6 months before. I had chronic pain and I suffered alone. I was dealing with depression. Of course it was my fault. In had caused him pain and grief and loneliness, I needed to atone for it and I did for ,6 months. Pleading , crying ,begging, for 6 month. He needed time he needed space. He didn’t want a divorce. Apparently what he needed was 6 months to see if his new secret relationship was solid and stable enough, he needs a trip to mexico with another woman to clear his mind! ( I didn’t know, I was told golfing in Palm Dessert with work colleges. He made face book updates with picture of scenery and remakesmabout his day’s… In palm beach) He came home 2 weeks before Christmas. I was thrilled. Our family was saved. He was sick and of course I would take care of him. He missed us, he missed me, he wanted to work on our marriage. 3 days before Christmas I get a call from an acquaintance asking me if I knew an certain woman, yeah…my husband dated her in high school. The reconnected non Facebook. Why? Turns out shed been talking about him at hockey practice, talking about how funny and kindnhe was and how she felt he was the one who got away. Not realizing our mutual friend knew he was married with 2 children. And had my husband taken a trip recentky …maybe to Mexico? For the second time in 6 months I felt the world tilt and fall. I woke him up that night and asked. He pretended to not now what I was talking about. He had proof of being in Palm Springs. I told him I had proof otherwise. Oh he was sorry so sorry, what kind of man was he turning into. I said you have a choice to call her right now and tell her is over or you leave. There were a mirad of reasons why he couldn’t call her, but he was so sorry he lied. So I asked the obvious question. Sorry you did it or sorry you got caught! Sad to say the answer didn’t surprise me. I asked him to leave right at that moment. He became angry, everything was my fault. I wasn’t a real wife to him, of course he was f* someone else I wasn’t performing my wifely duties. The hate, the looks the way he takes and moved was like a stranger. He was no longer than man I knew and loved. My husband would never do that to his family. This man was a stranger. Its been 2 years since I kicked him out. He moved in with the other women and her 3 boys. ( whom also had just lost their family and were forced to live with my husband) I’d like to say that 2 years have softened the blow but he is like a hurricane destroying everything. He took me to court to get full custody saying my chronic illness made me an unfit mother. He has accused me of stealing money. He had sued my father. He had made my life so chaotic and stresfull that I lost 2 friends who couldn’t deal with it anymore. He has affected the kids schooling, lying to professionals about me BC he was mad. He harrases me when ever he can. He uses the kids to hurt me when possible. This man that I married, that I loved,honored and cherished. Who I created a family with and wholly devoted myself to. He broke me, stomped on the pieces and scattered them to the win. II’m slowly rebuilding. Gaining ground, creating a new life for me and my children. He still believes he should have control but I strong enough now to face him. I no longer cry but I feel a deep abiding sadness. I no longer want him back, how could I? But I play the game of would of, should of, could of. I wonder what if? Most of all I think how can you write off a history of 20 years, how do you retell that story so it has no meaning? Nothing but an empty memory to him and a painful reminder to me. Each day I take a new step, each day the pain lesson a bit and I move forward. Always forward.

    • DeAnna
      October 24, 2014

      Michelle – it’s like you were writing my story. The only difference is my son was 15 and could understand what was going on. He understood when his dad went on vacation with the other woman and her family, he understood where is dad was when he wasn’t at his football game, his baseball game. And for a year he was very mad. Life DOES go on, and it does get better. My ex is now married to the woman he left me for – although he will tell anyone that will listen that he did NOT leave me for her….I guess it was just a happy coincidence that they were able to rekindle their high school romance out of the blue like they were (yes, I am still sarcastic and a bit bitter) – and my son is now an adult and has moved past what his father did. I was finally able to move on too – and will marry my best friend and the love of my life in February. But I can honestly say it took a solid 2 years for me not to tear up when he would cross my mind, when I would remember something we had done together or plans we had made that never happened because he chose someone else – after 17 years of marriage. When he left, I told a friend that I had always heard people say their heart hurt and I never really understood that. I was too literal, and felt like if your heart hurt you better get to the hospital because you were having a heart attack. But for the first 6 months after he told me, “I love you…..I will always love you…..I’m just not IN love with you” and walked away from our family, I knew all too well how my heart could hurt. There were days/nights that it felt like it would actually burst right out of my chest, and I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t stop crying. But that too got better; the tears dried up, the pain stopped and I realized just like Mandy said in her blog, “This didn’t kill me – it should have, and it felt like it was going to – but it didn’t.”
      I hope you find the peace you deserve – and, quite honestly, I hope Karma comes back and bites your ex in the butt! Just keep loving your babies, and moving forward with your life…..it WILL get better!

  90. Christy
    October 24, 2014

    These words are so true. I went through a break-up that I felt would surely, by the hurt and pain, take my next breath. How could something hurt so badly that it makes it hard to breath? How do you heal from such hurt? What I learned was that each day the pain would be less and I could breath a little easier. One morning I woke up, out of the blue, and I had healed. I wasn’t hurt, I could breath easy, I was focused and I was happy. Because I could feel such intense love and pain, I am a much stronger women today. I am stronger than I have ever been and it feels great. For anyone that is feeling this way right now, just now that one day you will breath easy again too!

  91. Denise
    October 24, 2014

    I went through this unbelievable pain when my husband told me he had an affair with someone I considered a friend. The betrayal by both of them was absolutely unbearable. It should have killed me, but it didn’t. I’m not sure why. My husband and I are still together a year later but I still feel the pain. I am a much stronger woman but I feel kind of numb about it still.
    It was the worst thing I ever went through (still going through).

  92. zeny
    October 24, 2014

    Mandy your thoughts and your words are reflections of what every woman who gave have gone through a painful heartbreak feels…we’re alive and we’re free!!!

  93. MelanieGreen
    October 24, 2014

    Story of my life in a nutshell. Well written!

  94. Mattie
    October 24, 2014

    wow! Mandy ,look @ all the ppl that have been right wear you were and are still breathing ,still learning ,still in recovery that YOU have helped. mine on the other hand was .I LOVE YOU ,and then disapeared ,no why ,no reason ,just gone !!!!not once ,but twice.it is true what doesnt kill you makes you stronger stand a little taller ,you/we will know by and by why that person walked out without a trace ,G-d will reveal why it NEVER worked out with that one Mr.Big,when that great and wonderful man shows up and you say where have you been,and he answers :”waiting for you” .it will ALL be worth it .the hurt ,the pain ,the heartache,all the lessons we have learned from all the “WRONG” ppl .we will now appriciate the one standing in front of us ,that says: I am here, I do love you, just BREATH…………. 🙂

  95. Candace
    October 24, 2014

    I am heartbroken. I know it was wrong but I got involved with a married man . It lasted 16 months. I prayed he would leave her but he never would, instead she found out. I thought my dream would come true and we could be together. It didn’t happen that way. All the love, the gifts, love letters, texts, telling me he can’t live without me and misses me all the time stopped overnight. He changed and it felt like in the blink of an eye everything was gone. He didn’t love me anymore. Was it all real? Did he really mean all those things he said? He became cold, distant, never wanted to see me. Although he was going through a divorce he still would not see me or promise me anything. I feel so emply and lost. I know in my heart I will always be second so I had to end it. I wasted 16 months of my life. I have learned that no matter how lonely you are, seeing a married man only makes you more lonley then ever before. The pain of waiting for a call or a visit is pure torture. It isn’t worth it. I’ll never ever do it again.

  96. Naledi
    October 24, 2014

    Thanx Mandy….your words and the responses makes me realise im not alone in this….I broke it off 2 months ago because i had given him my all and he just couldnt seem to reciprocate…made me feel desperate in telling him he needed to open up..show me,tell me how he feels….but 3 years in he kept getting worse…i realised i wasnt worth the effort…its hard as i see him everyday at work but im relieved finally cos i was able to cut that cord although i stil love and think about him..i know time heals and im waiting…..

  97. October 24, 2014

    Thanks Mandy….It is so true…I was married 25 years then he just said he couldn’t take it anymore…what?…I thought we had a great relationship…then just 6 weeks after the divorce he goes and gets remarried…what a blow! Now he wants to be friends what?….I don’t know how much more I can take…

  98. Jackie
    October 24, 2014

    Even after 4 years of the gut wrenching news, and 2 years of the divorce being finalized, your message resonates through my heart and soul. Thank you for reminding us that life does go on and what should kill us only makes us stronger.

  99. Megan N.
    October 24, 2014

    Beautifully written. After a year and a half of my ex telling me he just wasn’t in love with me, it still hurts, I still cry from time to time, but my life was rewritten and I no longer carry the burden of his emotions and life. I love being single and free from the crying, fighting, doing my best to make him happy. The only person I make happy is me and I learned to love myself from the inside. Take it as a new start and a lesson to make yourself happy. Do good on the world. Good luck girls. I know the pain all too well. It took me five months to get out of it, but I promise you will survive and make it! If all else prove the butthole wrong and you are strong without him!

  100. Dina
    October 24, 2014

    Divorced for 10 months after 18 years married to my high school sweetheart. Still crying, anxiety and panic attacks, I struggle for breath everyday. He has moved on with his girlfriend with not a care in the world. If it weren’t for my 1 children I’d be dead already. Please tell me the pain will stop. I can’t take it much longer.

  101. AJ
    October 24, 2014

    It’s a magical feeling, knowing that he’s not meant for me.. Life is been easier without him..

  102. christy
    October 24, 2014

    I am going through this right now. There are nights I pray dear god please just take me because the pain is so intense. What hurts the most is he knew everything I had been through in the past with men and promised me I would never hurt again. We lived together for a fewmonths and I still live in the same apt we lived in. Everything rreminds me of him! There are days it takes everything in me just to get out of bed. He has already moved on to someone else and I want to wish him the best but deep down inside I want his new girlfriend to hurt him the way he hurt me so he can feel the pain im feeling. I know in time it will get easier but right now im just praying and hoping to get through a day while a smile on my face and not to cry. I have taken him back twice because every time it doesnt work out with someone he contacts me. I want to be strong enough next time to say NO!

    • jenna
      October 28, 2014

      I am living this right now. Or should I say barely living. After giving up everything…moving to a new state; a place with no support, he tells me (in email btw!) “I just want you out of my life.” whaaaat? Just days before he was thanking me for bring such a big part of his life. No conversation, no closure. I remind myself everyday…and some days, many times, that I deserve someone who is true, values me, and isn’t afraid of the work a relationship requires. If not, I will survive…and emerge better, happier, and at peace.

  103. Jessica
    October 24, 2014

    I am living this right now, except he can’t seem to make up his mind about what he wants. We have been through so many hard times, my brain says walk away and find myself again, but I love him. This explains how I feel on a daily basis, and reading these comments show me that I will survive if I do start fresh.

  104. October 24, 2014

    I am soo inspired right now… It’s like ur talking to me right now. I ve been through series of heartbreaks..over the years. But..I feel this inner peace and find healing to my wounded heart whenever I read your blog …*tears*..thanks. Forever inspired. God bless u . Xx

  105. Melba
    October 24, 2014

    It feels like this blog was written just for me. I am hurting and hurting so badly after being with him for 20 years. I am bruised, broken and alone. I feel lost and I am not sure how I can survive each day when I wake up each morning. Tears just swell up and flow from my eyes when I remember each special moment we spend together, loving, arguing, kissing, teasing. None of these will ever happen again because he left me, unarmed and so far from being ready to stand alone again. It feels like I am dying, slowly and certainly. I dont know how long I can endure this pain….

  106. Christina Manning
    October 25, 2014

    Ladies I’m battling my own personal heartbreak and it’s been 2 years and 3 months since we’ve met and 2 year and 1 month since we broke up. We still talk and see one another but we go months without seeing one another. I’m never going to get over this man he is the absolute best thing and best man alive. Because of his last relationship that lasted 10 years she broke him and shattered his heart and any chance of becoming a happy trusting Man again. He thought he could so that’s why he took a chance with me and now this is happening to me. It’s a vicious cycle that never ends. I don’t let past relationships determine the outcome of my future. Yes, I’m very much in love with this man still. Every time were together thst love grows stronger I can’t cut myself off from him either. He’s not moved on because he can’t be with anyone. I have had 3 serous relaashionship in my life. One of them turned out to be an engagement. Now, after being with this man I can honestly say, as cliché as this is, I never knew what love was until I met him. I’ll never be over him and I’ll always hold on to hope and never give up. I’m not some nieve little girl like I was in the past either. I’m 30 years old now. People tell me I deserve better even he does and they tell me to move on well I’ve tried and I can’t bring myself to be intimate with anyone else. And as far as deserving something better. Yes, I do agree I deserve happiness and I deserve to be in a different in situation. I do deserve something much better but as far as deserving SOMEONE BETTER. That’s impossible because he is the best man for me. I want to leave on this note. Ladies I give all my friends and families advice about everything and anything you can imagine. It’s my way of giving back to others. I don’t know where it comes from but I’m great at listening and giving the best advice. Therapist and psychologist can cost hundreds if not thousands of dollars. So I’m here for free if you need any help or advice or answers to any questions you may have please feel free to email me directly my email address is
    [email protected]
    I really hope everyone can hold on to hope and just no that heartbreak or any emotional pain sometimes feels like it will never end and it may not. But if I can help make the pain your feeling today less painful tomorrow than please email me. Stay strong and just now your beautiful! !!

  107. Beth
    October 25, 2014

    Wow no truer words can be spoken. My ex was trying to get me back and as much as I love him I knew wholeheartedly that it wasn’t right to even attempt to get back with a man who I was so undecided about what he wanted. But he was supposed to come over last night because I’m moving and he was going to help me back and all that and he didn’t show and I found out later that he was at another females house… So wow the shows me that he’s really not want to get back with me. I’m just a matter of convenience for him. We can be friends if he even does that part right but we will never be what we were before. So any ladies that feel like they’re absolutely broken keep your head up you will get through it its hard but like Mandy says it doesn’t kill you it feels like it should but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and I never knew that until I’ve been through what I’ve been through in life. God bless

  108. Norma
    October 25, 2014

    After 5 years of being in a relationship it was me who finally said “enough”! Not because I don’t love him, but because I had to love myself enough to walk away from the hurt and the pain. We were toxic together and I guess deep down I knew we wouldnt make it… It was time to stop prolonging the inevitable. He said he couldn’t love me like I needed him to and I refuse to take anything less… Does it make the pain any less because I made the choice to end it? Of course not. It has only been 3 weeks and I feel the sting every morning. I miss him like crazy. But every morning I get up, I put a smile on my face, put on my make-up and thank GOD for the strength and the courage to let go and find myself again. It isn’t easy. But I know I will be ok… I am back to living my life on my terms, doing the things I want to do and when I want to do them. Letting go has opened up a whole new chapter in my life… With lots of blank pages to fill with new goals and achievements! The possibilities are infinite!!! I’m excited!!

    Thank you, Mandy, for being so transparent. You are helping me get through a very difficult time… I hope to one day be able to ‘pay it forward’ and do the same for someone else. In the meantime, I will share your posts in the hopes that they will empower someone else and give them the courage to do what I finally did. Blessings to you!!

  109. Lily
    October 25, 2014

    This is very timing situation that I have right now., Yes., breaking up would not killed you., but so painful like you really wanted to die…just does not want to feel pain anymore , in every day trying to put back that was lost , trying to go back what was before as beautiful and wonderful feeling .but that feeling turn to tragic and nightmare ,so awful but then I believed if you learned to let it go ., soon will follow to forgive though so hard to forget. Yes , is it a working process does not easy undergo this kind of broken heart. And I have still the pain right now., my tears can’t help to fall., but as they say it will be healed someday soon…Thanks for sharing this words of wisdom to moving on and life must goes on..God Bless and more words to shared!!!

  110. Angela
    October 25, 2014

    You have written down just what my heart feels. I thank you for being such a powerful motivator and role model to many women out there. There are still times when the past had been haunting me, but I continually find strength through the Lord’s message, and through your words as well. May you continue to be blessed so you may be a blessing to others as well!

  111. October 27, 2014

    Hello Ladies, well written Mandy. I’ve felt like that a few times. I’m just not so sure I “can” trust again. It’s hard, and being close to my faith does help. It just would be nice to have that special someone in my life about whom I feel head over heels. I don’t want to settle. It’s sad at times but it’s also hard for me to feel ok about being alone. I was engaged last year but I’ve lived the single life for a few years and though it’s great at times, it’s sad at others.

  112. Rebecca
    October 27, 2014

    I ended a are we together are we not? odd relationship four years ago and it’s so true the pain you feel can seem unbearable but the strength and relief that follows is a reminder that your worth more than living in someone elses selfish bubble so if they want to leave let them leave but just remember weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning, no matter what your situation is God IS FAITHFUL, don’t look for revenge stay dignified and classy in EVERY situation vengence is mine says the lord.

    He will never leave you or forsake you selfishness in the end does not reap rewards quite the opposite I don’t wish anyone bad but I know that if I kept sowing negativity, hurting people selfishly, and never sorry, I WOULD reap what I sow.

    Be encouraged, allow god to show you the power of forgiveness (I know thats hard, and it is a process not everyone forgives quickly) but your forgiveness sets YOU free not just the one guilty of hurting you, and if its gods plan husbands can return I know a true life story of a women that prayed for four-five years for her husband to see the error of his ways and his sin and he returned to her and rededicated his commitment to god and his word don’t give up on your life, on faith, or hope because it is always worth holding on to.

    Godbless.

  113. Ivette
    October 28, 2014

    I went through this same exact thing 3 years ago in September…I still hurt, still hopelessly in love and still have no closure. He was ruthless and gave no explanation. Over the past 3 years he has gone back and forth on whether is loves me but has refused to give us another try. As much as I have tried, I can’t seem to completely move on. I don’t think he has either.

    The worst part is that I would like to find love again and have all the wonderful things that come with it, and I just can’t!

  114. Shelly
    October 30, 2014

    I came across this today and I feel there was a reason for me to read this. Today my ex boyfriend told me he is in love with someone else and in 2 weeks they are moving in together. He told me he loves her and wants to marry her. Needless to say I am shattered but after reading this I know I will survive.

  115. Nanny
    October 30, 2014

    I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a 32-year old woman a couple of months ago. He’s 57 and I’m 51 . I met him right after I graduated high school and he was my first love, first man first everything. We have been married for 31 years – precisely his mistresses; age. I suspected something but just found it hard to believe that he would do this to me after so many years of being together. And one day he made the mistake of forgetting his phone and guess what? Yep! I went through it all! I was crushed, heartbroken and while I did kick him out, a day later he began to tell me he didn’t want to lose me, that he loved me and that it had only been a physical relationship with this person and that he’d made a mistake. I took him back because I love him but I told him that all communication had to stop and he said he would. Three weeks later I found out he hadn’t stopped. I went ballistic and told him he either made a full commitment to me or we were done. He kept his phone close – never leaving it behind – even to go to the bathroom. The stress of not knowing whether or not he was texting became too much for me – aside from the fact that I didn’t feel he was making an attempt to demonstrate to me that he wanted to be in this relationship and regain my trust, lead me to asking him leave, that I couldn’t take it anymore. While I know it’s the best thing for me, I am so emotionally drained and so, so sad. I don’t know if he moved in with his young mistress but thinking about it has me in deep turmoil. I feel she’s won though I know that with the age difference it won’t last. But am I saying that because I want him back? And yet, I know I’m worth more than that and I just don’ t want to make a fool of myself I haven’t cried since he left – though I feel like I should or need to so that I can begin to move on.

  116. Nanny
    October 30, 2014

    I found out that my husband had been having an affair with a 32-year old woman a couple of months ago. He’s 57 and I’m 51 . I met him right after I graduated high school and he was my first love, first man first everything. We have been married for 31 years – precisely his mistresses; age. I suspected something but just found it hard to believe that he would do this to me after so many years of being together. And one day he made the mistake of forgetting his phone and guess what? Yep! I went through it all! I was crushed, heartbroken and while I did kick him out, a day later he began to tell me he didn’t want to lose me, that he loved me and that it had only been a physical relationship with this person and that he’d made a mistake. I took him back because I love him but I told him that all communication had to stop and he said he would. Three weeks later I found out he hadn’t stopped. I went ballistic and told him he either made a full commitment to me or we were done. He kept his phone close – never leaving it behind – even to go to the bathroom. The stress of not knowing whether or not he was texting became too much for me – aside from the fact that I didn’t feel he was making an attempt to demonstrate to me that he wanted to be in this relationship and regain my trust, lead me to asking him leave, that I couldn’t take it anymore. While I know it’s the best thing for me, I am so emotionally drained and so, so sad. I don’t know if he moved in with his young mistress but thinking about it has me in deep turmoil. I feel she’s won though I know that with the age difference it won’t last. But am I saying that because I want him back? And yet, I know I’m worth more than that and I just don’ t want to make a fool of myself I haven’t cried since he left – though I feel like I should or need to so that I can begin to move on.

  117. Jane
    November 3, 2014

    Thank you for this blog, Mandy. I am in an incredible amount of pain and am struggling to even get out of bed let alone eat or do something like watch tv (it seems everything reminds me of the person I am trying so hard to let go of). I may not have accepted that things have ended between us yet… what to do now? I have been asking myself for the past two days since it happened… what do I do now? I don’t know what to do. If anyone has advice, I would really love to be in contact. I don’t have any friends or family locally so I am very alone in this.

  118. November 3, 2014

    I also felt that way 17 months ago when my ex husband told me this as we were coming back from my appointment. I had just been told that I had metastatic stage iv rectal cancer. He announced to me he was staying with his girlfriend and wouldn’t be coming back. I felt like someone had just punched me, I couldn’t even breathe! But I’m here to tell you that I survived! I survived the overwhelming odds of stage iv cancer and the eventual divorce with the help of my family members, friends and a wonderful, compassionate therapist. It can be done. I’m alive today and grateful for a second chance and I didn’t need him to do it. One minute at a time, one hour or one day, I made it! To all the people feeling lost and abandoned right now, hang on! My aunt kept telling me that it would get better and she was right so please, hold on!

  119. Lala
    November 6, 2014

    “What about all the laughter? All the tears? All the passion? All the joys? All the pain? All the years? All the kisses? All the history? Where is it all now? The years of pulling and pushing and forgiving and forgetting and fighting and loving? Has the story been rewritten? The pages ripped out? Who changed the ending without telling you? How could this possibly be the final scene? ”
    These words were exactly what I wanted to tell him… but he just ended our 8 yr relationship in a text message… and what’s more painful is he nvr said what was the reason.. he just said “I want to end this”..

  120. Anna Carter
    November 8, 2014

    Its been just over a week since I heard these words, and I don’t know how I am going to make it through. I only know that I have to. Right now I can’t see how any of this is going to make me stronger. I just need to get through it, and take each day as it comes.

  121. Cyndi
    December 13, 2014

    Its been slightly over two weeks…I see him in campus and it breaks my heart every single time.Does the pain really go away? Curled up in bed trying not to die. We were so good together, then he decides out of the blue that he doesnt want me anymore. That he cannot “handle a relationship right now”
    Why can’t I ever catch a break? Someone told me I might be cursed because all the relationships I am in go wrong!!! Let this year end already! !

  122. L
    December 29, 2014

    “I’m not in love with you.”
    “I don’t see a future with you”
    “I don’t want to be with you.”
    “I feel like I’m living with my best friend rather than my lover”
    Those were the words that blew my happy little world apart, just a few months ago. I felt and still feel like it would kill me, that I was dying from the inside. I still do, because he still wants to be my best friend, or at least he says he does. I on the other hand feel like I’ve lost my other half, my soul.
    After hearing those words, I lost all dignity in myself and my grace. I practically begged and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I cried at him, I cried at work, with my friends and on my own. I also feel ashamed to say, but also brave enough to say, I lost my way with God and fell away from his path. But, I’ve asked for forgiveness and I hope it comes. I hope peace and stillness in my heart also comes with it. For now, I live in hope.

  123. evyjane
    January 1, 2015

    I’vee been experienced this before, when he said he loved other women and plan to get engaged..It hurts so much..

  124. Shade Vivian
    January 18, 2015

    Been here severally and am in it again, heartbroken again! I survived before and I will again but I pray to my maker that I don’t get to experience this again for the rest of my life. Its really hurt and still hurting!

  125. hrena
    February 21, 2015

    “I’m not in love with you.”

    “I’m no longer attracted to you.”

    “I don’t want to be with you.”

    These are the exact words he said!!! it was very painful indeed.
    I almost fainted when he said those words, I was confused and asked myself what went wrong or maybe I did something wrong..
    It is hard when you’ve been together for 6 years, live in the same house, share same things and then he finally he asked me to marry him but then 2 weeks after our marriage he met another woman and just decided that he love her more than he loved me that he just found his twin, his soul mate and they are both in love with each other and he is happy with her and he wants to pursue his happiness and so the only solution is for us to get a divorce.
    At first I thought I’m going to go crazy..I’m just so thankful that God is always there guiding me and giving me strength the whole time, making my heart feel safe and at peace.My family and friends are very supportive as well, couldn’t ask for more..
    Thank you so much Mandy, at this new journey of my life your blogs and books have been a great help:))
    God bless you always!!

  126. […] “It Should Kill You, But It Doesn’t” by Mandy […]

  127. Jess
    July 6, 2015

    I still cry myself to sleep , wake up still crying after 8months Im still a cold war nd I’m just to worn out to clean up the battlefield that It has made of me , my heart is filled with question marks . I pray everyday that I move from this dark time..no one knows how I feel and how dead I am inside, I hide it because .I feel so powerless, pathetic and weak ,both physically and spiritually…. how does one go on ? It just to much to bear

  128. Thandi
    July 31, 2015

    Mandy, I can’t say how much I appreciate your blog. It seems for every moment I don’t have the words to describe you know just the right ones. It will be a year this August since I walked away from someone who didn’t feel the need to: firstly, break things off before he moved on; and secondly, admit it once he’d been found out. Anyway, it’s been a year and I’m here and thriving! But I remember the ache. It felt like there would be no end to it, so painful I’d swear it was physical. At the time it seemed impossible that I would one day dream of let alone live a full life when, without me realising it, I’d tailored mine to fit his. And now, a year later, I am grateful for all the tears he inspired because he taught me that I am capable of a love that chooses to see and expect good, a love that forgives , and now a love that can bring a bruised and battered heart back to life. I don’t know how women who don’t believe in God get through this but I thank Him for His mercy and grace and creating us so we heal with time…. Oh look I’ve gone and written an entire chapter when I just wanted to say face the day and before you know it a week, a month and then a year has passed until the day the world ended.

  129. Thandi
    July 31, 2015

    *since the world ended

  130. Courtney
    October 22, 2015

    This is my favorite blog post! Thank you so much for these words! You have no idea how much your words have helped me.

  131. January 20, 2016

    thank you for this post…for past one year i am trying to get out of that pain and be strong your all posts has make me more strong…and i am feeling much better and releived.

  132. Kimberley
    January 20, 2016

    It hurts so bad. And no one ever understands you – at least it feels that way. We all go through our own heartbreak and we all go through it differently, some more than others. It’s hard when it happens to you more often than not – that’s how I feel.
    Dating is hard. Rejection is hard. CONSTANT rejection is even harder. Being alone is hard. Being single is hard.
    It should kill me, but it doesn’t.

    It makes me stronger.

    Keep inspiring us Mandy – your words mean so much to us.

  133. Kimberly
    January 20, 2016

    For me it was a video I found were he was talking to one of his lovers, that I was unaware of. He said “I no longer have love for my wife”. At the timing of the video I thought we were happily married with no signs of trouble or other women. I wish he had been honest with me and told me he didn’t love me. He didn’t have any trouble criticizing me and telling me how fat, ugly, stupid he thought I was.

  134. Cheryl
    January 20, 2016

    Wow…. this was me just a short while ago.
    All those words, all of that sadness, all of the fighting…
    It really should have killed me, but it didn’t.
    You are right… I was set free.
    I walked away almost 3 months ago and I am beginning to feel stronger than I ever have in my entire life. And I am hopeful and I am strong.
    He words really should have killed me, but I will not allow it.

  135. Millie
    January 22, 2016

    It hasn’t been my first rodeo with this one before, but tell you what, It’s invigorating to have a fresh start. Look at it this way, it’s a start of a NEW chapter in your life and you can set the tone on how it going to be the next time you fall for someone. Remember to always LOVE yourself first and thank GOD he took your problem away! It’s like that old cliche “Everything happens for a reason” move on girl!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to Blog
* = required field